I'll cut straight to the point. I'm 45, SWM, been married once, and have children grown.....I'd like to change ALL that soon. A little about me first, then if you want to know more, read on: I'm 5'11", dark brown hair, blue eyes, and to quote Chris Farley "I have what Dr.'s call a little bit of a weight problem" lol.....I'm not HUGE, just country boy stocky. In the process of losing it all now though...for ME, not for you. ;)
If you're still interested, here's the facts: I'm a complete and utter movie buff....just love 'em. I like to read (Dan Brown, Dennis Lahane, Leonard Scott, Nicholas Sparks, etc.). I strive to be the typical guy in every Nicholas Sparks book. lol. I'm a hopeless romantic who still believes in the little things like picnics at the lake and opening car doors, a card that says "I love you" just because it's Monday or you were feeling a little down when you left the house that morning. and friends. are treated like family and ARE true friends. I'm not big into clubs but do go out occasionally with friends. I'm HILARIOUS, or so I'm told. I'm an outdoorsy person in that whenever I have a day off, I tend to take walks, hikes, or road trips to wherever is least touched by man. I like planning large road trips where I go to Colorado, New York, Washington, etc.....I'm just tired of doing them alone. Life is only worth as much as the company you keep. I love photography and tend to snap pictures all the time.
To sum it up, I had a 5 year plan when I graduated high school: finish college, get married, have 2.5 kids (I think one's supposed to be a midget or something....haha), and take care of them all with a great job where I'm home every night and be the type of parent my parents were.........so far, that hasn't happened, and I'm tired of waking up knowing you're in your bed while I'm in mine, and tired of knowing that I'd do anything for you, I just don't know who YOU are............
PS....if ya like, drop me a message telling me a little bit about yourself and we'll go from there. Your pic gets mine.
In order of offensiveness (to me): a) If you read Dan Brown and Nicholas Sparks, you are not reading.
b) Midgets? No, that is not the .5, and you are not a funny person.
c) "I'm tired of waking up knowing you're in your bed while I'm in mine, and tired of knowing that I'd do anything for you, I just don't know who YOU are............" FUCKING SHOOT ME
d) Use less ellipses. They have lost their meaning because your ad is littered with them. Ellipses : this ad : : cigarettes : streets of Paris.
e) You are probably really annoying when you are taking pictures, because you probably take pictures of butter at hotel continental breakfasts and other peoples' children playing in parks and trees in fog and the highway you drove down and the fish you caught and seriously, that is exhausting.
f) 'Are' is in no way the same thing as 'our.' You sir, have failed.
g) You are from Jackson, Michigan.
10 December 2009
02 December 2009
Oriental? Need a helping hand? - 40 (London)
Sensible, reliable, married guy looking for young, intelligent oriental girlfriend in exchange for financial help. Complete discretion assured.
It is too bad that he is already a husband. Boy, do I love a guy who says 'oriental.'
08 November 2009
Pussy Slave (Eureka)
Q1. What is a pussy slave?
A1. Simply put, a pussy slave is a person who stimulates your pussy with his or her mouth, tongue, fingers, toys, etc as you direct, when you say, and without question or hesitation to help you achieve orgasm.
Q2. What kind of woman can use a pussy slave?
A2. Many kinds. Maybe you're between relationships and miss the sexual pleasure and just need a pussy slave to fill in the gaps. Maybe you are in a relationship or married and don't want to leave but you're not being orally pleasured as much as you would like. Basically, any woman who enjoys being orally pleasured and needs more of it can use a pussy slave.
Q3. So is this just a one time deal?
A3. Absolutely not. Many ladies keep their pussy slave as a special FWB for months or even years. A pussy slave will get better for you as he learns what gets you wet, what makes you moan, what makes you feel good, what pushes you over the edge and gives you an orgasm. Pussy slave will pay close attention to your body, your squirms, your reactions, and your verbal feedback to learn the perfect techniques and rhythm that works best just for you.
Q4. Will my pussy slave give me more than one quick orgasm? I want to take my time.
A4. Yes, if that is what you desire, it is, as usual, totally up to you. A few ladies will just want one quick no nonsense no hassle orgasm, most will want more. Pussy slave will pleasure you until you are satisfied. Some ladies will want to be pleasured to several orgams (three is a common number), others will want to be pleasured for hours until they can't manage another climax. Ladies are often suprised at how many orgams a pussy slave can give them once he is familiar with just how she likes to be pleasured. Simply let your pussy slave know you want additional stimulation.
Q5. How do I ask my pussy slave to pleasure me?
A5. Any way you like. You can ask, but you can also command. The pussy slave follows your every direction to the letter and never questions. You may call your pussy slave by first name, or use a name that you prefer. "Pussy boy" or just plain "pussy slave" are common.
Q6. I'm feeling agressive today. May I sit on my pussy slaves face?
A6. Absolutely! The choice of position is always exclusively yours. The pussy slave never questions your choices. Pussy slave simply obeys the directions of his lady as accurately and quickly as possible.
Q7. What does the pussy slave expect in return? I'm not sure I want to reciprocate.
A7. The pussy slave asks for nothing in return except the pleasure of servicing you and helping you to have a pleasant release when and where you need it. Most ladies do not provide any reciprocation.
Q8. What if I want to reciprocate? Is it permitted?
A8. Absolutely. You may always reciprocate if you are in the mood to do so, but pussy slave will never ask nor expect his lady to reciprocate. A lady may offer reciprocation every time she uses her pussy slave, occasionally, or not at all depending on her liking.
Q9. How may I reciprocate?
A9. Any way you like. You may reciprocate with hands, orally, or you may have intercourse with your pussy slave (with protection). A few ladies enjoy intercourse with their pussy slave after being orally pleasured. More commonly, the lady will command her pussy slave to masturbate while she watches. Pussy slave accepts reciprocation gladly, but never expects it nor asks for it.
Q10. How many lady's does a pussy slave have at a time?
A10. Just one. If you are using your pussy slave regularly he will only service you.
Q11. How often may I use my pussy slave for pleasure?
A11. As often as our schedules permit. Most lady's will want to use their pussy slave for pleasure several times per month or once per week.
Q12. Does it cost money to have a pussy slave?
A12. Absolutely not! A legitimate pussy slave never accepts money from a lady. Anyone that accepts or requests money from a lady is not a true pussy slave!
Q13. I have had fantasies about an oral slave, but I have other fantasies too. May I use my pussy slave to realize them?
A13. Yes. Your pussy slave can be used to play out most any fantasy that interests you. Feel free to discuss your fantasies openly with your pussy slave, or write them down and share them. Pussy slave is an excellent role play partner and will gladly participate in most any scene that pleases you. A pussy slave never judges you, and will eagerly discuss any role play scene that makes his lady hot. Even a lady is not always in the mood for a pure pussy slave experience, and your pussy slave is always ready to do whatever his lady is in the mood for, sexual or not. Whether you want to roleplay your favorite sexual fantasies or you want to see the latest chick flick at the movies but don't have anyone to go with, your pussy slave never says no.
Q14. So my pussy slave will do anything I want?
A14. Very likely. Most lady's just want a very talented tongue to give them pleasure, and most will start out using their pussy slave only to give them excellent oral sex. Ladies have commented that using their pussy slave is the first time in their lives they've felt that they were being orally pleasured by someone who really wants to be down there. For many ladies, using their pussy slave to orally pleasure them is all they desire. Other ladies will find that using their pussy slave to realize other fantasies is an ideal way to make them come to life. The lady may not have a partner, or their partner or spouse may be resistant to their non-vanilla ideas, or perhaps they are not sure just how to bring up the topic with their regular partner, while their pussy slave is eager to satisfy most any desire or curiousity they may have. Feel free to discuss your fantasies and desires with your pussy slave openly. Your pussy slave is always eager to learn your fantasies and play them out with you, if you desire it.
Q15. This sounds too good to be true... what's the catch?
A15. There is no catch, the pussy slave is an obedient, fun person that only lives to give pleasure and asks for nothing in return. Once most women experience the freedom of having easy access to a pussy slave and the satisfaction that brings, they realize being a lady is so rewarding that they will want to use their pussy slave over and over again and perhaps even share their newfound satisfaction with their close friends (also see Q10.)
Q16. What if I'm a little shy about this at first? I mean, naked in the daylight with my pussy slave?
A16. Not a problem. You are welcome to blindfold your pussy slave before you undress if you're feeling shy.
Q17. May I still have a part time pussy slave even if I'm married or have a boyfriend?
A17. Yes. You can keep your pussy slave on call and request service via email when you need it. A pussy slave is 100% discreet in all dealings with you.
Q18. What does my pussy slave wear while servicing me?
A18. Anything you desire. Most ladies prefer the pussy slave to be completely naked while servicing them. The visual feedback of seeing a male pussy slave with a full erection is strongly erotic for most ladies, it provides her proof that he finds her body and the act of pleasuring her irresistable. She may tease him verbally, with her hands, whatever pleases her. Other ladies will have their pussy slaves wear shorts or underwear, depending on their liking. Some ladies enjoy humiliating their pussy slaves by having them wear panties or other feminine clothing. This is entirely her choice and the pussy slave simply obeys the wishes and commands of the lady.
Q19. What does a lady wear while being serviced by her pussy slave?
A19. Anything you desire. Most ladies will simply be naked or wear a pair of panties. A few do not like their pussy slaves to see them naked, so they may blindfold him. Most ladies will be comfortable with their pussy slaves and simply completely undress for service, or command their pussy slave to undress them. Some ladies prefer the feeling of control and wish their pussy slave to kneel in front of them while they lift only their skirt or just pull their panties aside. Others will be more comfortable in a silky nightie. The choice is completely up to the lady.
Q20. What about discretion and STD's?
A20. You pussy slave host's in a discreet Eureka location, will never acknowledge you in public. You pussy slave is professional, cleancut businessman. Your pussy slave is respectful of your needs and wishes, mature, safe, clean, attractive, HWP and disease free.
Q1: How do you know your Craigslist ad is too long?
A1: If you include a 20 question-long Q&A in your ad, it may be too long.
Q2: What if the answers are short?
A2: If many of them have more than 4 sentences, they aren't short.
A1. Simply put, a pussy slave is a person who stimulates your pussy with his or her mouth, tongue, fingers, toys, etc as you direct, when you say, and without question or hesitation to help you achieve orgasm.
Q2. What kind of woman can use a pussy slave?
A2. Many kinds. Maybe you're between relationships and miss the sexual pleasure and just need a pussy slave to fill in the gaps. Maybe you are in a relationship or married and don't want to leave but you're not being orally pleasured as much as you would like. Basically, any woman who enjoys being orally pleasured and needs more of it can use a pussy slave.
Q3. So is this just a one time deal?
A3. Absolutely not. Many ladies keep their pussy slave as a special FWB for months or even years. A pussy slave will get better for you as he learns what gets you wet, what makes you moan, what makes you feel good, what pushes you over the edge and gives you an orgasm. Pussy slave will pay close attention to your body, your squirms, your reactions, and your verbal feedback to learn the perfect techniques and rhythm that works best just for you.
Q4. Will my pussy slave give me more than one quick orgasm? I want to take my time.
A4. Yes, if that is what you desire, it is, as usual, totally up to you. A few ladies will just want one quick no nonsense no hassle orgasm, most will want more. Pussy slave will pleasure you until you are satisfied. Some ladies will want to be pleasured to several orgams (three is a common number), others will want to be pleasured for hours until they can't manage another climax. Ladies are often suprised at how many orgams a pussy slave can give them once he is familiar with just how she likes to be pleasured. Simply let your pussy slave know you want additional stimulation.
Q5. How do I ask my pussy slave to pleasure me?
A5. Any way you like. You can ask, but you can also command. The pussy slave follows your every direction to the letter and never questions. You may call your pussy slave by first name, or use a name that you prefer. "Pussy boy" or just plain "pussy slave" are common.
Q6. I'm feeling agressive today. May I sit on my pussy slaves face?
A6. Absolutely! The choice of position is always exclusively yours. The pussy slave never questions your choices. Pussy slave simply obeys the directions of his lady as accurately and quickly as possible.
Q7. What does the pussy slave expect in return? I'm not sure I want to reciprocate.
A7. The pussy slave asks for nothing in return except the pleasure of servicing you and helping you to have a pleasant release when and where you need it. Most ladies do not provide any reciprocation.
Q8. What if I want to reciprocate? Is it permitted?
A8. Absolutely. You may always reciprocate if you are in the mood to do so, but pussy slave will never ask nor expect his lady to reciprocate. A lady may offer reciprocation every time she uses her pussy slave, occasionally, or not at all depending on her liking.
Q9. How may I reciprocate?
A9. Any way you like. You may reciprocate with hands, orally, or you may have intercourse with your pussy slave (with protection). A few ladies enjoy intercourse with their pussy slave after being orally pleasured. More commonly, the lady will command her pussy slave to masturbate while she watches. Pussy slave accepts reciprocation gladly, but never expects it nor asks for it.
Q10. How many lady's does a pussy slave have at a time?
A10. Just one. If you are using your pussy slave regularly he will only service you.
Q11. How often may I use my pussy slave for pleasure?
A11. As often as our schedules permit. Most lady's will want to use their pussy slave for pleasure several times per month or once per week.
Q12. Does it cost money to have a pussy slave?
A12. Absolutely not! A legitimate pussy slave never accepts money from a lady. Anyone that accepts or requests money from a lady is not a true pussy slave!
Q13. I have had fantasies about an oral slave, but I have other fantasies too. May I use my pussy slave to realize them?
A13. Yes. Your pussy slave can be used to play out most any fantasy that interests you. Feel free to discuss your fantasies openly with your pussy slave, or write them down and share them. Pussy slave is an excellent role play partner and will gladly participate in most any scene that pleases you. A pussy slave never judges you, and will eagerly discuss any role play scene that makes his lady hot. Even a lady is not always in the mood for a pure pussy slave experience, and your pussy slave is always ready to do whatever his lady is in the mood for, sexual or not. Whether you want to roleplay your favorite sexual fantasies or you want to see the latest chick flick at the movies but don't have anyone to go with, your pussy slave never says no.
Q14. So my pussy slave will do anything I want?
A14. Very likely. Most lady's just want a very talented tongue to give them pleasure, and most will start out using their pussy slave only to give them excellent oral sex. Ladies have commented that using their pussy slave is the first time in their lives they've felt that they were being orally pleasured by someone who really wants to be down there. For many ladies, using their pussy slave to orally pleasure them is all they desire. Other ladies will find that using their pussy slave to realize other fantasies is an ideal way to make them come to life. The lady may not have a partner, or their partner or spouse may be resistant to their non-vanilla ideas, or perhaps they are not sure just how to bring up the topic with their regular partner, while their pussy slave is eager to satisfy most any desire or curiousity they may have. Feel free to discuss your fantasies and desires with your pussy slave openly. Your pussy slave is always eager to learn your fantasies and play them out with you, if you desire it.
Q15. This sounds too good to be true... what's the catch?
A15. There is no catch, the pussy slave is an obedient, fun person that only lives to give pleasure and asks for nothing in return. Once most women experience the freedom of having easy access to a pussy slave and the satisfaction that brings, they realize being a lady is so rewarding that they will want to use their pussy slave over and over again and perhaps even share their newfound satisfaction with their close friends (also see Q10.)
Q16. What if I'm a little shy about this at first? I mean, naked in the daylight with my pussy slave?
A16. Not a problem. You are welcome to blindfold your pussy slave before you undress if you're feeling shy.
Q17. May I still have a part time pussy slave even if I'm married or have a boyfriend?
A17. Yes. You can keep your pussy slave on call and request service via email when you need it. A pussy slave is 100% discreet in all dealings with you.
Q18. What does my pussy slave wear while servicing me?
A18. Anything you desire. Most ladies prefer the pussy slave to be completely naked while servicing them. The visual feedback of seeing a male pussy slave with a full erection is strongly erotic for most ladies, it provides her proof that he finds her body and the act of pleasuring her irresistable. She may tease him verbally, with her hands, whatever pleases her. Other ladies will have their pussy slaves wear shorts or underwear, depending on their liking. Some ladies enjoy humiliating their pussy slaves by having them wear panties or other feminine clothing. This is entirely her choice and the pussy slave simply obeys the wishes and commands of the lady.
Q19. What does a lady wear while being serviced by her pussy slave?
A19. Anything you desire. Most ladies will simply be naked or wear a pair of panties. A few do not like their pussy slaves to see them naked, so they may blindfold him. Most ladies will be comfortable with their pussy slaves and simply completely undress for service, or command their pussy slave to undress them. Some ladies prefer the feeling of control and wish their pussy slave to kneel in front of them while they lift only their skirt or just pull their panties aside. Others will be more comfortable in a silky nightie. The choice is completely up to the lady.
Q20. What about discretion and STD's?
A20. You pussy slave host's in a discreet Eureka location, will never acknowledge you in public. You pussy slave is professional, cleancut businessman. Your pussy slave is respectful of your needs and wishes, mature, safe, clean, attractive, HWP and disease free.
Q1: How do you know your Craigslist ad is too long?
A1: If you include a 20 question-long Q&A in your ad, it may be too long.
Q2: What if the answers are short?
A2: If many of them have more than 4 sentences, they aren't short.
i dont think this works,but im bord. - 32 (arcata)
any ladys wanna do something to day?
im tall dark and handsome .
Bord (n) - Commune in the Canton of Saint-Savinien of the Charente-Maritime department in the Poitou-Charentes region in western France.
Please allow me to guess that you are not 'bord.'
im tall dark and handsome .
Bord (n) - Commune in the Canton of Saint-Savinien of the Charente-Maritime department in the Poitou-Charentes region in western France.
Please allow me to guess that you are not 'bord.'
02 November 2009
Do you crave the darkness?
Do you crave the darkness of night?
Do you shy away from the light?
Do you watch the world go by…
Are you left with nothing but a sigh…
Do you stare at the moon and dream,
Yet, in your heart you scream…
Left into loneliness and despair,
You accept that life is not fair…
Is your heart turned into stone,
Does the emptiness freeze you to the bone…
Hatred overcoming reason,
Is this all just another season,
Madness is merely a state of mind,
Are we perhaps one in the same kind…
Laughing in insanities abyss,
Tasting a finality of deaths kiss,
Is there salvation from all of this…
Is there something I have missed?
Do I seek your pity or sorrow,
No I just look towards the futility of tomorrow,
Smile and let it all go into the void,
Accept that our souls are devoid,
Of all that we believe is good,
And allow it all to die in this mood,
Laugh one last time as you hear this rhyme,
Allow ignorance to close your eyes one more time.
Thank you, Kentucky, but it's difficult to take you seriously when you use a terrible rhyme scheme.
Do you shy away from the light?
Do you watch the world go by…
Are you left with nothing but a sigh…
Do you stare at the moon and dream,
Yet, in your heart you scream…
Left into loneliness and despair,
You accept that life is not fair…
Is your heart turned into stone,
Does the emptiness freeze you to the bone…
Hatred overcoming reason,
Is this all just another season,
Madness is merely a state of mind,
Are we perhaps one in the same kind…
Laughing in insanities abyss,
Tasting a finality of deaths kiss,
Is there salvation from all of this…
Is there something I have missed?
Do I seek your pity or sorrow,
No I just look towards the futility of tomorrow,
Smile and let it all go into the void,
Accept that our souls are devoid,
Of all that we believe is good,
And allow it all to die in this mood,
Laugh one last time as you hear this rhyme,
Allow ignorance to close your eyes one more time.
Thank you, Kentucky, but it's difficult to take you seriously when you use a terrible rhyme scheme.
25 October 2009
im kinda drunk - 25 (chicago)
now i love my friends
tonight was fucking awesome
id say more
but im kind adrunk
and people are judgmental
to cut things short
i dream of meeting the woman of my dreams
as i am a hopeless romantic
but to do that
gotta meet as many people as possible
and keep an eopen mind
but that is that
and i do love drinking
and the woman of my dream
smart is the most important
and included in smart
drama free
and doing exactly what you want to be doing with your life
i guess that covers it
also pretty of course
and i think you should be either horribly goofy
or horribly sarcastic and judgemental
having said that
if you are amused by this rant
or think it describes you adequately
you should totally wriet
as i shall check tommorrow
and appreciate having someone to chat with
as i enjoy randomness
that is all for the night
thanks for reading
and happy weekend
Bad poetry? Oh noetry.
I love the classiness of his 'amused by this rant' and 'as i shall check tommorrow.' This might be my new favorite craigslist poem.
tonight was fucking awesome
id say more
but im kind adrunk
and people are judgmental
to cut things short
i dream of meeting the woman of my dreams
as i am a hopeless romantic
but to do that
gotta meet as many people as possible
and keep an eopen mind
but that is that
and i do love drinking
and the woman of my dream
smart is the most important
and included in smart
drama free
and doing exactly what you want to be doing with your life
i guess that covers it
also pretty of course
and i think you should be either horribly goofy
or horribly sarcastic and judgemental
having said that
if you are amused by this rant
or think it describes you adequately
you should totally wriet
as i shall check tommorrow
and appreciate having someone to chat with
as i enjoy randomness
that is all for the night
thanks for reading
and happy weekend
Bad poetry? Oh noetry.
I love the classiness of his 'amused by this rant' and 'as i shall check tommorrow.' This might be my new favorite craigslist poem.
09 September 2009
Ever touch an electrical fence?
I have the standard 6ft. fence in our backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawn mower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
So, now that you have been thru all this, are you interested in talking to me more?? I hope so. Let's talk and see what happens!!
Tennessee husbands ftw!
To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawn mower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
So, now that you have been thru all this, are you interested in talking to me more?? I hope so. Let's talk and see what happens!!
Tennessee husbands ftw!
24 August 2009
Cutie on ATL to DTW - m4w - 52 (Metro Airport)
You were the cute blond with the designer bag flying from Atlanta to Detroit yesterday evening.
I was well dressed man seated near you. I wanted to approach you, but was traveling this occasion with my wife.
I commute frequently from Atlanta and Detroit for my cardiology practice, and the wife rarely comes with. Will you fly with me next time?
Detroit, you're my favorite craigslist again.
I was well dressed man seated near you. I wanted to approach you, but was traveling this occasion with my wife.
I commute frequently from Atlanta and Detroit for my cardiology practice, and the wife rarely comes with. Will you fly with me next time?
Detroit, you're my favorite craigslist again.
Question??? - 43 (Downriver)
not to be mean what so ever to the big girls but I was just curious as if the were any women 35-45 who were single and not over weight looking for dating?
people are really mean to each other on here and I'm considered a badboy!.....lol...thats funny!!!
not to be mean once again but if a guy can't get a boner for you then he will never know what a wonderful person you are in a romantic way!..As friends we can love you to death...That doesn't give any guy the right to be mean to you on here! And by the way if your a dude under 30 and your on CL then you have no right to bust on any woman on here!
I'm 6ft even, still have abs, kind of a badboy and I'm looking for a person who is in shape and less of a badgirl than she is sweet and nice!
hit me up if your interested in talking!
Things that don't make sense: this poster's brain.
people are really mean to each other on here and I'm considered a badboy!.....lol...thats funny!!!
not to be mean once again but if a guy can't get a boner for you then he will never know what a wonderful person you are in a romantic way!..As friends we can love you to death...That doesn't give any guy the right to be mean to you on here! And by the way if your a dude under 30 and your on CL then you have no right to bust on any woman on here!
I'm 6ft even, still have abs, kind of a badboy and I'm looking for a person who is in shape and less of a badgirl than she is sweet and nice!
hit me up if your interested in talking!
Things that don't make sense: this poster's brain.
i am looking for a live in girlfriend - m4w
i am a single white male...i would like to find a live in girlfriend...i have my own place all you have to do is move in...i will cover living expenses...you just tend to my needs.....i am open to any race within reason
What races are 'within reason?' Imagine I've just read this aloud, and the following are the reactions of my current roommates, two lawyers in their 30's:
Roommate 1: Maybe he means inter-species? Like, a non-humanoid...that would be unreasonable.
Roommate 2: So what, half-orcs need not apply?
Half-orcs ftw?
What races are 'within reason?' Imagine I've just read this aloud, and the following are the reactions of my current roommates, two lawyers in their 30's:
Roommate 1: Maybe he means inter-species? Like, a non-humanoid...that would be unreasonable.
Roommate 2: So what, half-orcs need not apply?
Half-orcs ftw?
Sometimes I think Craigslist has a sense of humor...
Many thanks to Detroit and the Craigslist team for making this moment possible.
18 August 2009
COO COO 4 CO CO PUFFS - 350 (making pickles)
Gargoyle seeks friend , tired of waiting to get noticed at the gym ? is society telling you your using to much oxygen ? my story for yours? free dinner? win a free tooth brush and keep your pants on! ok lets get serious here , or not ! as long as you don't flood my toilet, spill your drink, brake my favorite dish , burn a hole in my shirt and lock my cat in the closet, all on the first date.
Seeing how few of you lock cats in bathrooms on the first date after breaking people's favorite dishes and burning holes in their shirts, I'd say you have a real chance with this fella.
Seeing how few of you lock cats in bathrooms on the first date after breaking people's favorite dishes and burning holes in their shirts, I'd say you have a real chance with this fella.
09 August 2009
Shorty where you at??? - 24
A little bit about me: Physicially I'm 24 yrs old, Blond hair Blue eyes 6'' tall, handsome... with an athletic build. I would say I've lived a very interesting life for someone my age and plan on continuing with my adventures living my life to the best of my ability. I haven't been in a relationship for about 2 years now, and I feel like meeting someone new... someone I don't already know, that's why I'm trying Craigs to see what might come of it. I'm a college graduate, have a successful career, and generally just a good person. If I might be of interest to you, feel free to send me a message and we can get to talking and see whatever else might come from it.
Successful college graduate who lives in Flint, Michigan? I'm skeptical.
Successful college graduate who lives in Flint, Michigan? I'm skeptical.
06 August 2009
Looking...We all are looking sometime - 48 (Columbus / Lagrange)
We are all looking sometime in our life..Just think about it..I am now anyway's. I am
normal and not no junkie on here. I am looking for someone who might be looking
also like me. I am very nice,sweet,polite,and safe to be with. Should any of this interest
you,just reply back and I will get back too you..Hope to hear from some normal people.
After reading those first few sentences, I'm honestly surprised he didn't write, "hope to here from some normal people." Way to exceed my expectations, poster.
normal and not no junkie on here. I am looking for someone who might be looking
also like me. I am very nice,sweet,polite,and safe to be with. Should any of this interest
you,just reply back and I will get back too you..Hope to hear from some normal people.
After reading those first few sentences, I'm honestly surprised he didn't write, "hope to here from some normal people." Way to exceed my expectations, poster.
05 August 2009
Want to have a messy, crying, drooling mini-human together? - 30 (Chicago)
Your eggs aren't getting any fresher!!
Seeking a highly intelligent, liberal-minded sort of woman who is ready to be a responsible parent with me. Bonus points for earth friendly types.
You're ready to geek out over the healthiest stuff to feed the little thing and how to turn him/her into a baby brainiac surrounded by books. You're at a place in your life where you're down with trips to the tot lot, storytimes, and family trips to the zoo.
Obviously you're fairly healthy/active, employed, nonsmoker, hopefully cute and sweet/nurturing/bubbly.
I'm a smart, healthy, clean cut, nice guy type SWM ready to move into dad mode with the right match.
I will reply to all who write a serious, thoughtful reply about possibly starting a family.
Points for knowing the difference between 'you're' and 'your.' Negative points for the whiff of desperation in this ad.
Seeking a highly intelligent, liberal-minded sort of woman who is ready to be a responsible parent with me. Bonus points for earth friendly types.
You're ready to geek out over the healthiest stuff to feed the little thing and how to turn him/her into a baby brainiac surrounded by books. You're at a place in your life where you're down with trips to the tot lot, storytimes, and family trips to the zoo.
Obviously you're fairly healthy/active, employed, nonsmoker, hopefully cute and sweet/nurturing/bubbly.
I'm a smart, healthy, clean cut, nice guy type SWM ready to move into dad mode with the right match.
I will reply to all who write a serious, thoughtful reply about possibly starting a family.
Points for knowing the difference between 'you're' and 'your.' Negative points for the whiff of desperation in this ad.
nice, average, and upbeat girl wanted - 27 (tulsa)
hi, i am looking for a girl who is not still angry with her ex, doesnt mind just hanging out, and would like to have a little fun now and then. if this is you get back to me. pictures are welcome all will get a reply
Average? Look no further than Tulsa.
Average? Look no further than Tulsa.
If you like Chocolate your gonna Love This - 27 (Baton Rouge)
I am moving from New York to Baton Rouge next week. Lets talk
My name is K. I am a 27 year old professional at a high profile law firm and I'm studying law in Baton Rouge. My career doesn't leave me much time for a social life at this point. It would be nice to have some company and meet someone new to kick it with. Im open to new experiences with different nationalities.
I'm 5'6", Medium Athletic Build, Handsome Face and Milk Chocolate. LOL!
I like going out to lounges and restaurants with nice ambiance. I love the movies.
I love sports, football in particular (Giants Fan) and I love politics. So between CNN and ESPN I’m good!
I enjoy any live entertainment and good company.
Send me a pic and tell me your interest. Lets Talk. TTYL!
If his grasp of punctuation and grammar is any indicator, I'm guessing this poster will be an excellent lawyer someday.
My name is K. I am a 27 year old professional at a high profile law firm and I'm studying law in Baton Rouge. My career doesn't leave me much time for a social life at this point. It would be nice to have some company and meet someone new to kick it with. Im open to new experiences with different nationalities.
I'm 5'6", Medium Athletic Build, Handsome Face and Milk Chocolate. LOL!
I like going out to lounges and restaurants with nice ambiance. I love the movies.
I love sports, football in particular (Giants Fan) and I love politics. So between CNN and ESPN I’m good!
I enjoy any live entertainment and good company.
Send me a pic and tell me your interest. Lets Talk. TTYL!
If his grasp of punctuation and grammar is any indicator, I'm guessing this poster will be an excellent lawyer someday.
04 August 2009
be my first - 18 (owasso)
I had a hard time finding a post awful enough to justify being the first Husband? post in such a long time, but I think I finally found one that is truly unfortunate. Hopefully, this is the first of many wonderful potential husbands to be featured in the coming months.
hi there i am a little nervous but i am 18 and wanting to loose mt virginity. it is driving me crazy i would like for my brother to be there as well i am a little slow but can maintain i am 6ft dark hair 8 inches what else you want to know just hit me up please no bots or freaks i want my first time to be a plesant experience not a nitemare.
FYI, if you're looking for someone who is:
a) interested in being your first time
b) interested in fucking you while your brother is there, watching
you might be looking for someone who is a freak.
Additionally, freaks in the sheets aren't necessarily nightmares. You'll thank me when you're older. You're welcome.
hi there i am a little nervous but i am 18 and wanting to loose mt virginity. it is driving me crazy i would like for my brother to be there as well i am a little slow but can maintain i am 6ft dark hair 8 inches what else you want to know just hit me up please no bots or freaks i want my first time to be a plesant experience not a nitemare.
FYI, if you're looking for someone who is:
a) interested in being your first time
b) interested in fucking you while your brother is there, watching
you might be looking for someone who is a freak.
Additionally, freaks in the sheets aren't necessarily nightmares. You'll thank me when you're older. You're welcome.
31 May 2009
Blood, tonails, hair, and all else still lacking (Mid-City)
I had written a proper response for your kind message. And I have one more thing for you
I wanted to tell you the intelligence
attains the grand summation of
molecular motion at absolute zero.
You're lone response cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel nor that of the spammers on their tired tirade, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.
I hope that I remind you of the shrouded enigma of an important postage never sent.
Your response in any form again would bring me a dashingly colored toupee that would twist around my right shoe into a state of ennui with the speed and dexterity of many lemon meringue-coated conquistadors.
I hope to hear back from you.
xo
What the fuck? It sounds like someone replaced a bunch of words using a thesaurus after sprinkling World of Warcraft references into a high school science textbook.
HOT.
I wanted to tell you the intelligence
attains the grand summation of
molecular motion at absolute zero.
You're lone response cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel nor that of the spammers on their tired tirade, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.
I hope that I remind you of the shrouded enigma of an important postage never sent.
Your response in any form again would bring me a dashingly colored toupee that would twist around my right shoe into a state of ennui with the speed and dexterity of many lemon meringue-coated conquistadors.
I hope to hear back from you.
xo
What the fuck? It sounds like someone replaced a bunch of words using a thesaurus after sprinkling World of Warcraft references into a high school science textbook.
HOT.
If you don't read this you're dumb - 25 (Wessstsiiiiiide(Alb))
I like Taco Bell, Fruit Loops, and pickle juice. Seriously I'm not expecting to find the love of my life through this although it would be great, I just wanna make at least one good friend. Just someone to spend time with doing anything. I love the outdoors, camping and traveling but have a good time going out for some drinks or going to a movie or concert. I smoke grips of pot so hopefully you do to, but if not that's cool. I'm a nerd with a big heart that's really fragile, I have lots of love to give and need ways to express it. If you're worried about some difference between us don't be and just drop me a line. I'm posting this with no picture, cause if you're really interested my average looks, and furious passion will satisfy you.
Likes Taco Bell? Check.
Likes Fruit Loops? Check.
Drinks pickle juice? Check.
Average looks? Check.
Pothead with a fragile heart? Check.
Husband?
Likes Taco Bell? Check.
Likes Fruit Loops? Check.
Drinks pickle juice? Check.
Average looks? Check.
Pothead with a fragile heart? Check.
Husband?
5000 Reasons to Marry me this Monday!!! - 37 (South)
5000 Rea$ons to Marry me this Monday!!Well? Why the hell not??!!?? If you are reading this then you are curious. I am white. I am attractive. And I'm looking for a highly sexual wife!! I'm sick of the bars. Not hunting for you in church! Not stalking you at the grocery store by snooping in your basket to figure if you are attached or not. Don't get me wrong, I do get women that are attracted to me. I do know how to communicate. I am a guy who showers most days.....ok, ok, ok.....evryday!! I own a full set of teeth..all mine! I have most of my hair....and yes on my head, not my back!!! I don't have a wonderful porn star moustache.....those 80's guys are so lost!! I am a home owner........a damn nice one at that! I have been married before....for a long stretch. I am a daddy......lol....ok, well a father as i'm told. I am not lonely....I have too many friends sometimes. I am just gonna buy / rent / mortgage / pay a loan on a new wife!
Now, heres what i'm looking for..........
I don't want any smokers....what's that you say?? But i'm trying to quit! Well good luck to you!! I don't want any drug users!! Well, now that only 3 lucky ladies are left!! I want someone that's not too tall, i'm thinking 5'6 or under. Not 7 foot ladies...sorry.make doggy style too hard!!!......kidding!!!.....I own a stool!!!.....lol. Anyhow? I want a woman that does her nails, has fabulous hair, dresses for any occassion and wears it well. I expect you to be smart, college does not make you smart!! I want you to be in shape ....and yes big fat and round is a shape, it's not the shape i'm looking for! Listen, I seriously get attractive 18 to 25 year old ladies all the time. I am just sick of all the sex and no one there in the morning?!? God? Am I a man whore? Well, I admit I am! But I am sick of this shit! I wanna provide a home and family for a good relationship base. I am not opposed tp having more children. I am not opposed to moving if it makes you happy. I am not opposed to bisexual women!! oops!! My mind is wandering again...lol. Anyhow, wanna meet a funny guy with a crazy background? I am YOUR guy. Drop me a line. Be nice? Be mean? Just be real!!
One - a lot of these are not reasons.
Two - "I'm white" is a reason? FAIL.
Now, heres what i'm looking for..........
I don't want any smokers....what's that you say?? But i'm trying to quit! Well good luck to you!! I don't want any drug users!! Well, now that only 3 lucky ladies are left!! I want someone that's not too tall, i'm thinking 5'6 or under. Not 7 foot ladies...sorry.make doggy style too hard!!!......kidding!!!.....I own a stool!!!.....lol. Anyhow? I want a woman that does her nails, has fabulous hair, dresses for any occassion and wears it well. I expect you to be smart, college does not make you smart!! I want you to be in shape ....and yes big fat and round is a shape, it's not the shape i'm looking for! Listen, I seriously get attractive 18 to 25 year old ladies all the time. I am just sick of all the sex and no one there in the morning?!? God? Am I a man whore? Well, I admit I am! But I am sick of this shit! I wanna provide a home and family for a good relationship base. I am not opposed tp having more children. I am not opposed to moving if it makes you happy. I am not opposed to bisexual women!! oops!! My mind is wandering again...lol. Anyhow, wanna meet a funny guy with a crazy background? I am YOUR guy. Drop me a line. Be nice? Be mean? Just be real!!
One - a lot of these are not reasons.
Two - "I'm white" is a reason? FAIL.
30 May 2009
Don't worry, you're vagina is safe from me...for now;-)
At ease ladies. i know that you all think guys just want the booty (and we do) but all I'm looking for is someone to go to the movies with me so I don't keep looking like a freakin' square trying to watch movies like Wolverine by myself. i mean, damned, i'm a grown ass man, why am I watching kiddie movies...gotta put that one to the therapist. Anyway, in true CL fashion, I'll list the do's and don't below when responding to this fodder....
Do:
Have a sense of humor
Be willing to talk shit during the movie if it sucks
Let me pay for it since I pretend to be a gentleman sometimes
Wear something that's neither for church nor a fashion show
Be willing to stop at a porn store afterwards so that I can return some videos (something I find my self doing too often)
Don't:
Be a man (I will kick your hairy ass)
Be giant. I love tall women, I love short women, I don't love women who look like one of the Klumps
Be pretentious. If you want to see some crap like the Travelling Pants, I will vomit on yours.
Ask me if I still have all my teeth just because I'm a fighter. yes, I have them all...and never had a cavity either;-)
Spray me with mace if I try to hug you after the movie. It would be a friendly, genitalia apart type hug anyway.
That is all. Oh, and the thing about the fatties need not apply...I only say this because I don't want to have to pay for three seats...LOL!!! Ok, ok, I'm a dick;-)
FYI, anyone who wants to watch the 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' probably isn't too pretentious.
PS - is 'Wolverine' a kiddie movie? Maybe he means 'Up.'
Do:
Have a sense of humor
Be willing to talk shit during the movie if it sucks
Let me pay for it since I pretend to be a gentleman sometimes
Wear something that's neither for church nor a fashion show
Be willing to stop at a porn store afterwards so that I can return some videos (something I find my self doing too often)
Don't:
Be a man (I will kick your hairy ass)
Be giant. I love tall women, I love short women, I don't love women who look like one of the Klumps
Be pretentious. If you want to see some crap like the Travelling Pants, I will vomit on yours.
Ask me if I still have all my teeth just because I'm a fighter. yes, I have them all...and never had a cavity either;-)
Spray me with mace if I try to hug you after the movie. It would be a friendly, genitalia apart type hug anyway.
That is all. Oh, and the thing about the fatties need not apply...I only say this because I don't want to have to pay for three seats...LOL!!! Ok, ok, I'm a dick;-)
FYI, anyone who wants to watch the 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' probably isn't too pretentious.
PS - is 'Wolverine' a kiddie movie? Maybe he means 'Up.'
06 May 2009
Looking for "Her"..... - 20 (hudsonville)
Hey Ladies,
I guess in short I'm not looking for anything concrete right now, but who knows if your the right girl it might happen. My name is Mike. I'm nothing special, nothing hott or sexy, so if your looking for eye candy, I'm definitely not it. Love is a hard thing to find, its something everyone dreams of, but sometimes never comes true. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, love poetry, and just talking about stuff. I'm just looking for a close friend, and maybe more. I don't need sex or anything like that. Its so degrading sometimes. A good friendship is what I'm looking for. If your interested or want to know more, hit me up. Remember I'm nothing special, but I've learned that you should love who a person is rather than what they are. Hope to hear from you. Thanks!
Mike
I want to give this guy a big hug. I don't think that is too degrading.
I guess in short I'm not looking for anything concrete right now, but who knows if your the right girl it might happen. My name is Mike. I'm nothing special, nothing hott or sexy, so if your looking for eye candy, I'm definitely not it. Love is a hard thing to find, its something everyone dreams of, but sometimes never comes true. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, love poetry, and just talking about stuff. I'm just looking for a close friend, and maybe more. I don't need sex or anything like that. Its so degrading sometimes. A good friendship is what I'm looking for. If your interested or want to know more, hit me up. Remember I'm nothing special, but I've learned that you should love who a person is rather than what they are. Hope to hear from you. Thanks!
Mike
I want to give this guy a big hug. I don't think that is too degrading.
Naughty and nice - 62 (Rockford)
White male, married, 62, seeks the company of older female companion. Prefer women 76+. Married.
What a horndog of an old man! I am concerned that he might have poor intentions.
What a horndog of an old man! I am concerned that he might have poor intentions.
04 May 2009
Penis monster looking to fall in love with a vagina monster. - 26 (Grand rapids)
Labia monsters, clitoris monsters, and boobie monsters are also acceptable alternatives. I don't discriminate.
I'm looking for a warm loving monster to snuggle up on the couch with, hold hands and watch a movie. I want to walk around in the parks with my arm around a waist and maybe a head on my shoulder? This is presuming I'm taller. There is so much good stuff to do. I could ramble on and on.
I'd like a lady with serious long term intentions in her head. I want a woman who is generous with her love, not that I want to be smothered, but I want it to hang thick in the air. Mmmhmmm. Smell that love.
There are many things about this ad that worry me. I think this man's age troubles me the most. I hope to god that he was drunk when he posted this.
need somthing ?? (alll over )
Missing something?
Feel you really need a Guy to make you happy?
I know I felt I needed a Girl to make me happy!
Then I found out.
All you need is Christ.
Jesus is the answer to sadness, and hope for a good future
Put your trust in Him first and He will deliver you your “prince” in the midst of the storm.
The lack of quotations around storm leads me to believe that the Weather Girls are clairvoyant. It also made me wonder how many women were delivered "princes" during Hurricane Katrina? What too soon?
Feel you really need a Guy to make you happy?
I know I felt I needed a Girl to make me happy!
Then I found out.
All you need is Christ.
Jesus is the answer to sadness, and hope for a good future
Put your trust in Him first and He will deliver you your “prince” in the midst of the storm.
The lack of quotations around storm leads me to believe that the Weather Girls are clairvoyant. It also made me wonder how many women were delivered "princes" during Hurricane Katrina? What too soon?
NEED LOVE IN MY LIFE - 35 (GR OUT SKIRTS)
What can i say here that will make you want to know me .
Well i am over weight .
Long hair.
one tat.
one kid.
smoke drink.
I am nice , good karma .
average size dick , sorry no anaconda here . . .
Not even shur if it still works !
Funny at times , but not always to others .
self employed .
ok wanna no more ask
i hope to here from you soon .
I have no desire to know him. Although, I would like to know the reasoning behind the Mickey Mouse Boobs.
Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow. - 26 (grand rapids)
Dear female gender,
One of you is going to fall in love with me.
I'll make it easy by being nice to you!! And by reciprocating that love.
We will even hold hands and talk to each other about silly stuff like how our day went.
One day you will wake up in the morning and look at me all cute sleeping away and you're going to fantasize about having my babies. If we are lucky there will be a few such strategic accidents.
Sincerely,
Captain Amazing
Dear Captain Amazing,
I truly doubt that I would fall in love with you based upon this ad alone. For some reason, you are confusing general human decency with seduction. I am positive that I would not fantasize about having little Officer Amazings with you. If something as awful as insemination occurred, I would have a different type of "strategic accident."
Regards,
Admiral Uninterested
One of you is going to fall in love with me.
I'll make it easy by being nice to you!! And by reciprocating that love.
We will even hold hands and talk to each other about silly stuff like how our day went.
One day you will wake up in the morning and look at me all cute sleeping away and you're going to fantasize about having my babies. If we are lucky there will be a few such strategic accidents.
Sincerely,
Captain Amazing
Dear Captain Amazing,
I truly doubt that I would fall in love with you based upon this ad alone. For some reason, you are confusing general human decency with seduction. I am positive that I would not fantasize about having little Officer Amazings with you. If something as awful as insemination occurred, I would have a different type of "strategic accident."
Regards,
Admiral Uninterested
My virgin ears are burning. I can hear my neighbors having copulation - 27 (GR)
Preface:
I've done some thinking and I'm pretty sure that living happily ever after [1] requires a wife. Maybe this is a case of the "grass is greener" syndrome? Or maybe it was the upbringing. Also I have analyzed my coworkers and regardless of age all the married ones do seem to be much happier. Some of the single ones are quite the example of human frailty (seizures...) and why we all need somebody to lean on sometimes.
Therefore I've decided that my own personal woman would be not only romantic but practical. So I'm looking for a serious minded lady.
I hope this doesn't make me sound like I'm in any particular rush. Cuz I aint.
About Me:
I went to college and got a bachelors in electrical engineering. I've been working at a grownup job for 4 and a half years now.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [2]
I like good food: I will never eat at McDonalds.
I'm a tad geeky. I only watch tv in dvd format and I play a decent amount of video games.
Sports: I like watching Hockey, F1 racing, and fast forwarding through nascar. I only watch sports with others.
Five feet and 11 inches.
About you:
18 to 21: Workable but I'd feel like a cradle robber.
22 to 28: This is prime.
Over 28: Your biological clock concerns me. [3]
Educated or getting educated.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [4]
Warm and mature.
Height to weight proportionate.
Classy.
Finale:
Per the usual, your pic gets mine blah blah blah.
Just to prove that you aren't spam please mention angular momentum.[5]
Foot notes:
[1] Or rather the closest approximation of "happily ever after" that is humanly achievable by flawed (but mature and devoted) individuals.
[2] Use your imagination.
[3] Sorry.
[4] I know what I want and I want it now. I want you. Cause I'm Mr. Vain.
[5] I changed my mind. please mention 2nd Kings Chapter 2 verses 23-25.
What I have learned from this post:
1) To live happily ever after, I need a husband.
2) Because I am single, I will have seizures.
3) Married people are happier because they do not have seizures.
4) A man should own me because it is both romantic and practical.
5) McDonald's does not serve good food. (Giant diet cokes anyone??)
6) Cradle robbing occurs until age 21 and one has an until age 28 before her biological clock is concerning. I have very little time!
7) II Kings 2: 23-24- "Some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!' And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys." PRICELESS
I've done some thinking and I'm pretty sure that living happily ever after [1] requires a wife. Maybe this is a case of the "grass is greener" syndrome? Or maybe it was the upbringing. Also I have analyzed my coworkers and regardless of age all the married ones do seem to be much happier. Some of the single ones are quite the example of human frailty (seizures...) and why we all need somebody to lean on sometimes.
Therefore I've decided that my own personal woman would be not only romantic but practical. So I'm looking for a serious minded lady.
I hope this doesn't make me sound like I'm in any particular rush. Cuz I aint.
About Me:
I went to college and got a bachelors in electrical engineering. I've been working at a grownup job for 4 and a half years now.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [2]
I like good food: I will never eat at McDonalds.
I'm a tad geeky. I only watch tv in dvd format and I play a decent amount of video games.
Sports: I like watching Hockey, F1 racing, and fast forwarding through nascar. I only watch sports with others.
Five feet and 11 inches.
About you:
18 to 21: Workable but I'd feel like a cradle robber.
22 to 28: This is prime.
Over 28: Your biological clock concerns me. [3]
Educated or getting educated.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [4]
Warm and mature.
Height to weight proportionate.
Classy.
Finale:
Per the usual, your pic gets mine blah blah blah.
Just to prove that you aren't spam please mention angular momentum.[5]
Foot notes:
[1] Or rather the closest approximation of "happily ever after" that is humanly achievable by flawed (but mature and devoted) individuals.
[2] Use your imagination.
[3] Sorry.
[4] I know what I want and I want it now. I want you. Cause I'm Mr. Vain.
[5] I changed my mind. please mention 2nd Kings Chapter 2 verses 23-25.
What I have learned from this post:
1) To live happily ever after, I need a husband.
2) Because I am single, I will have seizures.
3) Married people are happier because they do not have seizures.
4) A man should own me because it is both romantic and practical.
5) McDonald's does not serve good food. (Giant diet cokes anyone??)
6) Cradle robbing occurs until age 21 and one has an until age 28 before her biological clock is concerning. I have very little time!
7) II Kings 2: 23-24- "Some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!' And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys." PRICELESS
Romantic Dominance and Submission - 27 (GR)
very simply I'd like to meet someone who wants to:
be courted with intentions
become a bride
become a wifey
become convenient ;)
become a follower
become a mother
?
Really, is a winky face the most appropriate emoticon?
03 May 2009
Please tell me what you think of my looks
I'm kind of shy and I would like to know what you think of the way I look (Like would you date a guy like me)If you would like to know me please send me a note and your picture Iwill respond back Thanks and have a great week Grant
Dear Grant,
Please stop fishing for compliments. Newsflash: it's unattractive.
So, to answer your question: not so hot.
Warm Regards,
a member of the concerned public
Dear Grant,
Please stop fishing for compliments. Newsflash: it's unattractive.
So, to answer your question: not so hot.
Warm Regards,
a member of the concerned public
16 April 2009
Sort of creepy anti-social type seeks happy-go-lucky girl next door!!! - 33
That is to say I love people, I just don't like to be around them all that much. I also love music... listening to and playing all types. It's possible that my creepiness would subside after you got to know me. I thoroughly enjoy sarcasm, the dark, slight cynicism, stupid blogs, hiking, salsa (the food not the dance), and masks. I'm not tall ~ 5' 9" and not in the greatest shape, but not horribly out of shape or unattractive. If you're at all interested, you know what to do... hopefully. Anyway, pic for pic and all that BS. Have a nice day!
This gem comes from a computer in Madison, Wisconsin. Unrelated - Is 5'9" is the beginnings of tall? I judge everyone by ANTM model contestant height, and if contestants can be 5'8" and up, then 5'9" is tall enough to be a female model, which means that 5'9" is actually sort of tall, right?
This gem comes from a computer in Madison, Wisconsin. Unrelated - Is 5'9" is the beginnings of tall? I judge everyone by ANTM model contestant height, and if contestants can be 5'8" and up, then 5'9" is tall enough to be a female model, which means that 5'9" is actually sort of tall, right?
Elliott Gore - 19 (Jonesboro Arkansas)
Hello, My name is Elliott gore. I am a dark-shinned gentleman ready for true love. I love to hangout with friends, play my trumpet and go to church. If you are ready for love holla at me
Just the shins, eh? It's like the reverse of a bad tan line from soccer shinguards.
Just the shins, eh? It's like the reverse of a bad tan line from soccer shinguards.
13 April 2009
After I CUM I am not DONE! - 34 (Downtown Fresno)
I am a romantic young gentleman and poetry is to me a skill
By just seeing you in person I can make wet with thrill
I do not need a pen or paper to express to you what I see
Just the words from my mouth will make you want to feel the sight of me
I also never stop from evening until later past the morning dawn
I will Cum a few times but I will not say thank you and be gone
I will Give you oral sex with my rather think tongue
and then I will be hard again and inside you again I'll be sprung
I love the position of you riding me and you'll be surprised at what I can do
while your riding my think penis I can lift my pelvis inside of you
I will feel like a pole you are riding and for hours you can ride
and I know this is NSA but if you want more of me I can be open to be TIED
I do not have a credit card or a checking account so I can not join a site that needs that for age check, But I will give you any information so you can see I am a very legal decent guy that is 34 I work downtown Fresno and live in downtown also. I hope I will hear from a woman because I am so bored and sad now.
I spent 20 minutes trying to write a response poem to the poster telling him where he went wrong, but every time I tried I ended up with this:
STOP.
It's been said before but: bad poetry? Oh noetry! People, stop before your god-awful "poetry" hurts someone you would like to love in the future, NSA, TIED, or otherwise.
Fairly unrelated: how does a 34-year-old man live, work, and survive without any type of bank account? I'm not sure whether or not that's a feat, and thus something I should be impressed with by default.
By just seeing you in person I can make wet with thrill
I do not need a pen or paper to express to you what I see
Just the words from my mouth will make you want to feel the sight of me
I also never stop from evening until later past the morning dawn
I will Cum a few times but I will not say thank you and be gone
I will Give you oral sex with my rather think tongue
and then I will be hard again and inside you again I'll be sprung
I love the position of you riding me and you'll be surprised at what I can do
while your riding my think penis I can lift my pelvis inside of you
I will feel like a pole you are riding and for hours you can ride
and I know this is NSA but if you want more of me I can be open to be TIED
I do not have a credit card or a checking account so I can not join a site that needs that for age check, But I will give you any information so you can see I am a very legal decent guy that is 34 I work downtown Fresno and live in downtown also. I hope I will hear from a woman because I am so bored and sad now.
I spent 20 minutes trying to write a response poem to the poster telling him where he went wrong, but every time I tried I ended up with this:
STOP.
It's been said before but: bad poetry? Oh noetry! People, stop before your god-awful "poetry" hurts someone you would like to love in the future, NSA, TIED, or otherwise.
Fairly unrelated: how does a 34-year-old man live, work, and survive without any type of bank account? I'm not sure whether or not that's a feat, and thus something I should be impressed with by default.
06 April 2009
Once in a lifetime Opportunity - 19 (Gainesville)
Hey whats up....im here looking for a nice young lady to be friends with, and if everything is great, then a girlfriend.....im 19, black, 170lbs athletic, 6'0,black hair, brown eyes and light brown skin.....i dont smoke or drink, and expect for you not to either (but if you drink then thats ok, but just dont be an alcoholic.....lol)...im not really a partier either but i still know how to have a good time......i know how to really treat a lady.....im not looking for sex either......as for you (i would prefer, but not limited to)....age-18-23, height-5'5-5'10, weight-130lbs-165lbs athletic or somewhat in shape, eyes- any color, race/color- i will be friends with anybody, but as for girlfriend/ wife status, i would prefer light skined-white......but still respond and see where it goes......e-mail me if you are interested, and if you are real please let me know because 95% of the responses are fake people/bots......so dont miss out on a great friendship/relationship
OMFG. If you're going to be a racist asshole in your post, at least spell 'skinned' right.
OMFG. If you're going to be a racist asshole in your post, at least spell 'skinned' right.
real, lonely, special, and ready to melt... - 42 (gville area)
yeah, I'm a former grad student at UF, and have found my way back to north florida.
I'm very alone, nice guy, and have a secluded cabin, and don't and wouldn't want any issues.
If you are mature and kind, and rare...can't hurt to send an email. I'm not after anything specific, which is a good thing.
Dear Poster,
"I'm very alone" makes you sound sad. Lonely is fine, desperate is not. Please bear this in mind for future postings. Also, "I'm not after anything specific" really just intensifies the sad, desperate longing. I take issue with saying that you have absolutely no idea what you want is a good thing. Yes, you're open-minded and you have low expectations, but a better way to say that might be "I'm open-minded about where meeting and being friends leads," or "I'm interested in meeting lots of different kinds of people."
Additional note: saying that you're very alone, you have a secluded cabin, and you don't want any issues (whatever that means - be more specific) makes you sound like you're a serial killer. Are you going to kill the people who reply to your post and adorn your secluded little cabin with their guts? GOD. STOP BEING SO CREEPY.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
I'm very alone, nice guy, and have a secluded cabin, and don't and wouldn't want any issues.
If you are mature and kind, and rare...can't hurt to send an email. I'm not after anything specific, which is a good thing.
Dear Poster,
"I'm very alone" makes you sound sad. Lonely is fine, desperate is not. Please bear this in mind for future postings. Also, "I'm not after anything specific" really just intensifies the sad, desperate longing. I take issue with saying that you have absolutely no idea what you want is a good thing. Yes, you're open-minded and you have low expectations, but a better way to say that might be "I'm open-minded about where meeting and being friends leads," or "I'm interested in meeting lots of different kinds of people."
Additional note: saying that you're very alone, you have a secluded cabin, and you don't want any issues (whatever that means - be more specific) makes you sound like you're a serial killer. Are you going to kill the people who reply to your post and adorn your secluded little cabin with their guts? GOD. STOP BEING SO CREEPY.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
31 March 2009
you'll think my tractors sexy
looking for some paradeing material someone who is drop dead gorgues i like blone and long legs i am a farmer ouside of ithaca with a very sturdy built
Usually, I respond to what an individual is trying to say in their post. In this case, I think the poster would benefit a good deal more from a breakdown of their grammar and spelling errors.
you'll think my tractor's sexy
looking for some parading material*; someone who is drop dead gorgeous. I like blonde [hair] and long legs. I am a farmer outside of Ithaca with a very sturdy build.
*Begs the question: what is parading material? A person attractive enough to parade in front of others? Patriarchy is the worst.
Usually, I respond to what an individual is trying to say in their post. In this case, I think the poster would benefit a good deal more from a breakdown of their grammar and spelling errors.
you'll think my tractor's sexy
looking for some parading material*; someone who is drop dead gorgeous. I like blonde [hair] and long legs. I am a farmer outside of Ithaca with a very sturdy build.
*Begs the question: what is parading material? A person attractive enough to parade in front of others? Patriarchy is the worst.
Only Low Esteem women need apply (IC/Coralville)
I will treat you like crap... I won't call when I say I will... and when I do see you, I will keep asking you when you are going to lose some more weight? I will tell you how much better looking your friends are than you.
I will isolate you from your family.
you will tell me your deepest insecurities, and I will exploit them.
I will treat you like every other man has treated you in the past... and you will keep coming back for more.
--ps: say something about Iowa City/ Coralville, so I know that you are real.
I'm very torn* between denouncing this man as a hateful, misogynistic pig and applauding him for his honesty and what I'm guessing is a good deal of self-awareness colored by heavy doses of reality.
*and by torn, I mean the opposite.
I will isolate you from your family.
you will tell me your deepest insecurities, and I will exploit them.
I will treat you like every other man has treated you in the past... and you will keep coming back for more.
--ps: say something about Iowa City/ Coralville, so I know that you are real.
I'm very torn* between denouncing this man as a hateful, misogynistic pig and applauding him for his honesty and what I'm guessing is a good deal of self-awareness colored by heavy doses of reality.
*and by torn, I mean the opposite.
27 March 2009
Please send me spam and stupid links?? (Austin)
WOW!! All the response here have been from fake women.That's awesome for normal single guys just trying to meet a nice Lady on here.So with that said I KNOW NO ONE will read this part I'm sure.If your not a real Lady just looking for a friends first please do not respond here.Don't send me spam or stupid links.PLEASE BE SOME WHAT RESPECTFUL here.Just send a small pic your email or a way to get in contact with you that's not some stupid link.Facebook or Myspace will do but at least have your profile public not private.So much trouble to meet someone nice on here for real.Should not be this hard or should it??
Oh, poster, you are so wrong. I DID READ THAT PART. Also: I'm reading the erratic capitalization as a touch of schizophrenia or an obsession with the music of Kanye West. Either or both of those conclusions could be wrong.
Oh, poster, you are so wrong. I DID READ THAT PART. Also: I'm reading the erratic capitalization as a touch of schizophrenia or an obsession with the music of Kanye West. Either or both of those conclusions could be wrong.
In need for a Side Girlfriend soon. - 36 (Cedar Park)
Title pretty much tells you what I'm looking for. I would treat you so good in so many ways, you'll love me forever. I'm not a player by all means but I'm tired on the same old stuff at home, so I thought I would give this a try. Is there any woman who's in the same shoes I'm in???/ Please reply back if so so we can chat and see what happens. I'm a good looking 36 y/o white male and I have pics, please have pics so we can exchange. Hope to hear from you soon....
Way to plan ahead, wishes-he-were-cheating white male.
Way to plan ahead, wishes-he-were-cheating white male.
You're kinky, horny, and cute (but happen to have h**s**v) - m4w - 30 (6*2*0 and twenty-two twenty-two)
Aren't you tired of "the conversation" looming over every potential encounter or relationship? Can't a girl just have a NSA sex-filled weekend without the hassle? Sure you can :-) You just need a guy that understands what you're dealing with.
I'm 6' tall, 220 lbs, broad shoulders, good-looking, funny and a lot of fun, and got exposed to h*s*v*2 by an ex while I was in college. I'm attached, but that shouldn't matter.
You should be intelligent, height and weight proportionate, be a borderline sex addict, and otherwise normal and fun to be around.
Discretion and privacy are of utmost importance, and will be respected. Let's talk a bit and then exchange pictures if we feel comfortable with one another.
We've had some crazy weather this week: there was a hail storm in north Austin on Wednesday and we got a lot of rain this morning and now it's sunny.
Seriously, the weather? I understand using the weather as a common, neutral starting point for a conversation with someone you don't know. I hardly think that the end of a personal ad on Craigslist is a place where such a point needs to be established. Congratulations, height and weight proportionate borderline sex addict. You're doing it backwards.
I'm 6' tall, 220 lbs, broad shoulders, good-looking, funny and a lot of fun, and got exposed to h*s*v*2 by an ex while I was in college. I'm attached, but that shouldn't matter.
You should be intelligent, height and weight proportionate, be a borderline sex addict, and otherwise normal and fun to be around.
Discretion and privacy are of utmost importance, and will be respected. Let's talk a bit and then exchange pictures if we feel comfortable with one another.
We've had some crazy weather this week: there was a hail storm in north Austin on Wednesday and we got a lot of rain this morning and now it's sunny.
Seriously, the weather? I understand using the weather as a common, neutral starting point for a conversation with someone you don't know. I hardly think that the end of a personal ad on Craigslist is a place where such a point needs to be established. Congratulations, height and weight proportionate borderline sex addict. You're doing it backwards.
24 March 2009
I want to be a cookie monster tonight - 53 (SW Austin)
I love to eat cookies and am actually quite good at the pleasure. Let's meet for HH and go from there.Your pic gets mine. SXSW is over , rained earlier , nice out now & 80 degrees.
80 degrees? Seriously? Austin, Texas looks better to me all the time. Unrelated: Sesame Street references are a terrible way to get into anyone's pants, unless they're a child. STOP.
80 degrees? Seriously? Austin, Texas looks better to me all the time. Unrelated: Sesame Street references are a terrible way to get into anyone's pants, unless they're a child. STOP.
19 March 2009
I need a Girlfriend U Need??? - 39 (Baton Rouge Area)
Ok here is the deal. I own two businesses in the Baton Rouge area that are doing pretty well I also have one wife in the area who is not doing so well so I need a girlfriend! So if u think you might be able to handle a relationship like this then we need to talk about the details. I am more than willing to take you to the mall shopping, out to lunch, dinner or drinks and generally spoil you rotten. If you need a little help with the bills or rent then that is what boyfriends do. What I will not do is support u. In return you get a great guy with all my hair all my teeth and occasionally I even smell pretty good. I stay in shape and you should as well. If you like days out on the water and an occasional weekend out of town that is a plus as well. If you dive that is a real plus but I can alway teach you since I am an instructor. Have a pic to trade and please if your email address is not local then tell me in the email or u just get deleted.
Is he trying to pull an Edwards? Does his wife have cancer? It's unclear exactly what's going on in this man's marriage. Also, how is paying for shopping, meals, bills, and rent not support?
I think he's confused about what 'support' means.
Is he trying to pull an Edwards? Does his wife have cancer? It's unclear exactly what's going on in this man's marriage. Also, how is paying for shopping, meals, bills, and rent not support?
I think he's confused about what 'support' means.
15 March 2009
24 yo looking for vaggina - 24 (baton rouge)
i am a 24 yr old looking for a woman of any age. I have a daughter and am just looking for some fun. 225 - two three five- eight four three one text me ill be waiting, first vagina gets my big ass dick.
I've devised a new rule for humankind, and I think it will benefit everyone. From now on, no one who can't spell 'vagina' can put their big ass dick in one. You're welcome, world.
I've devised a new rule for humankind, and I think it will benefit everyone. From now on, no one who can't spell 'vagina' can put their big ass dick in one. You're welcome, world.
OK, I Give Up - 48 (Baton Rouge)
Well, I tried some of the very direct stuff and got nothing but scam/spam back so, I have decided to go the more subtle route. Start slow and go from there
Looking for a nice, smart, gentle woman who I hope is married and in a secure position.
If you can talk politics, economy, or whatever you wish to discuss, I would like to meet you and eventually take your clothes off, if it's ok with you.
I travel quite a bit, yet when in BTR can meet just about anywhere and can host during the day. I am not a nut.
I drive a junky car, have a nice dog, and really am looking for someone who just wants to talk, have their opinion valued and listened to, and who knows from there
So, there really isn't anything for you to loose.
If I take you to IHOP, don't be surprised if I use coupons to pay the bill
Just being real
Points for being interested in getting consent before taking off someone's clothes after a coupon-fueled trip to IHOP?
Looking for a nice, smart, gentle woman who I hope is married and in a secure position.
If you can talk politics, economy, or whatever you wish to discuss, I would like to meet you and eventually take your clothes off, if it's ok with you.
I travel quite a bit, yet when in BTR can meet just about anywhere and can host during the day. I am not a nut.
I drive a junky car, have a nice dog, and really am looking for someone who just wants to talk, have their opinion valued and listened to, and who knows from there
So, there really isn't anything for you to loose.
If I take you to IHOP, don't be surprised if I use coupons to pay the bill
Just being real
Points for being interested in getting consent before taking off someone's clothes after a coupon-fueled trip to IHOP?
10 March 2009
Redneck Seeking Cane Pole Queen - 41 (Austin)
If you don't know about Cane Poles, fishing with Cheetos, Beanie Weenies. If you don't have an Aunt that fishes with Big Red, then where you been?
Do you know what a minna is?
What is the daily bag limitt of Crappie?
How do you bribe a Game Warden?
What is the other use of a telephone?
What works better than WD 40 on a dry fishing reel?
Psycho women stay away! Russian Brides Stay Away! If you are in Nigeria and have money you want to wire me. Go ahead. I may call you back after I spend it all to make sure it is real. So with all the scams aside!
Don't ask me to join a stupid website or join some special adult chat
group to see your photos. I am a real man I already have a vivid
imagination.
Now if you have a fishing website or chat forum that tells me about
new fishing holes or techniques, I am interested.
If your only communication skills are text messaging then it won't
work out for us. You will wind up killing me. I drive a lot and it
messes me up trying to eat a bbq sandwich, drinking coffee and driving
70MPH. When I text the Yellow Line becomes a blur and I don't know
what kind of road kill I just drove over.
I might even miss the snake in the road. That is important. It is
mandatory for me to jam my brakes and go back and make sure I got the
snake. A snake in the road requires absolute and immediate action,
especially a rattle snake in the road. It doesn't matter if you have
to block traffic you have to do U-turn after U turn to run him over
till he stops moving.
Right now the best thing to to is put the dead snake on the nearest
fence. It is supposed to bring rain. So put all the snakes you can
on the fences across the area. In case it is a rattlesnake or copper
head make sure the head is off, don't assume any liability for your
actions.
Back to the mesage.
The only friends with benefits situation I am looking for is if you
have an extra $25 or $50 Academy Surplus, or Cabellas gift certificate
burning a whole in your pocket that would be a dream come true.
If you see some rods and reels on sale or at a garage sell you are
welcome to text alert me or dial me in 911 speed.
Don't respond if, you are pyscho, stuck in Nigeria, Albania, England or BFE.
My name is James, for real. I am 41 years old, 6 foot 3 inches tall,
235 pounds or so depending on how much bbq I have eaten. Brown Hair,
Hazel eyes.
I am really nice guy looking for a real woman.
Not looking for the following:
I am not looking for a Russian Bride, I am not looking for a woman
stuck in Nigeria or England looking for money to come to the US.
Basically if your stuck in some other country do what my ancestors
did, save you money and get your own boat ride over here.
I am looking for:
Looking for a real woman who can appreciate a real man. You won't
change me but you might be able to tame me.
No nagging women. No women who are going to call me at 5:35PM and ask
why I am still working. No abusive women. No psychos, please. Been
there done that.
What I have to offer: I will ask you how was your day and I will turn
the TV off and listen. I will wash your car, I will give you a neck
and back massage. I will cook for you occasionally or maybe a lot. I
would rather chase a good cook around the kitchen. I will hold your
hair back when you vomit.
So lets meet for coffee or a Sonic Burger to start. I can go from BBQ
all the way to Tofu at a vegetarian restaurant. Very versatile. If
your lucky someday I will whip up a home cooked meal for you and
massage your feet and ask how your day was.
I can talk for hours and hours and listen. Some women have accused me
of have a secret woman inside or me in regards to this. At the same
time I am a guys in all facets. I stink like a guys, sweat like a guy
and have the urges of a guy. I gladly leave the toilet set up for a
bigger target. Too much energy wasted on raising and lowering the
toilet. So if we work out I probably need my own toilet at some point
or a great tree in the back yard is even better. It is all about
going green and water conservation.
Finally the most important test. No woman worth marrying will have
less than 15% of her bridal selections at Academy Surplus.
James
Woah there, James! That's a lot of words. I can only assume that the bit at the top is some sort of special Redneck code, like 4-trackin. If so, congrats, you've weeded me out of your pool of potential mates. There's a lot here, but I've bolded some of my favorite bits. Call me, James. You're really not that bad, but damn, you're a winner.
Do you know what a minna is?
What is the daily bag limitt of Crappie?
How do you bribe a Game Warden?
What is the other use of a telephone?
What works better than WD 40 on a dry fishing reel?
Psycho women stay away! Russian Brides Stay Away! If you are in Nigeria and have money you want to wire me. Go ahead. I may call you back after I spend it all to make sure it is real. So with all the scams aside!
Don't ask me to join a stupid website or join some special adult chat
group to see your photos. I am a real man I already have a vivid
imagination.
Now if you have a fishing website or chat forum that tells me about
new fishing holes or techniques, I am interested.
If your only communication skills are text messaging then it won't
work out for us. You will wind up killing me. I drive a lot and it
messes me up trying to eat a bbq sandwich, drinking coffee and driving
70MPH. When I text the Yellow Line becomes a blur and I don't know
what kind of road kill I just drove over.
I might even miss the snake in the road. That is important. It is
mandatory for me to jam my brakes and go back and make sure I got the
snake. A snake in the road requires absolute and immediate action,
especially a rattle snake in the road. It doesn't matter if you have
to block traffic you have to do U-turn after U turn to run him over
till he stops moving.
Right now the best thing to to is put the dead snake on the nearest
fence. It is supposed to bring rain. So put all the snakes you can
on the fences across the area. In case it is a rattlesnake or copper
head make sure the head is off, don't assume any liability for your
actions.
Back to the mesage.
The only friends with benefits situation I am looking for is if you
have an extra $25 or $50 Academy Surplus, or Cabellas gift certificate
burning a whole in your pocket that would be a dream come true.
If you see some rods and reels on sale or at a garage sell you are
welcome to text alert me or dial me in 911 speed.
Don't respond if, you are pyscho, stuck in Nigeria, Albania, England or BFE.
My name is James, for real. I am 41 years old, 6 foot 3 inches tall,
235 pounds or so depending on how much bbq I have eaten. Brown Hair,
Hazel eyes.
I am really nice guy looking for a real woman.
Not looking for the following:
I am not looking for a Russian Bride, I am not looking for a woman
stuck in Nigeria or England looking for money to come to the US.
Basically if your stuck in some other country do what my ancestors
did, save you money and get your own boat ride over here.
I am looking for:
Looking for a real woman who can appreciate a real man. You won't
change me but you might be able to tame me.
No nagging women. No women who are going to call me at 5:35PM and ask
why I am still working. No abusive women. No psychos, please. Been
there done that.
What I have to offer: I will ask you how was your day and I will turn
the TV off and listen. I will wash your car, I will give you a neck
and back massage. I will cook for you occasionally or maybe a lot. I
would rather chase a good cook around the kitchen. I will hold your
hair back when you vomit.
So lets meet for coffee or a Sonic Burger to start. I can go from BBQ
all the way to Tofu at a vegetarian restaurant. Very versatile. If
your lucky someday I will whip up a home cooked meal for you and
massage your feet and ask how your day was.
I can talk for hours and hours and listen. Some women have accused me
of have a secret woman inside or me in regards to this. At the same
time I am a guys in all facets. I stink like a guys, sweat like a guy
and have the urges of a guy. I gladly leave the toilet set up for a
bigger target. Too much energy wasted on raising and lowering the
toilet. So if we work out I probably need my own toilet at some point
or a great tree in the back yard is even better. It is all about
going green and water conservation.
Finally the most important test. No woman worth marrying will have
less than 15% of her bridal selections at Academy Surplus.
James
Woah there, James! That's a lot of words. I can only assume that the bit at the top is some sort of special Redneck code, like 4-trackin. If so, congrats, you've weeded me out of your pool of potential mates. There's a lot here, but I've bolded some of my favorite bits. Call me, James. You're really not that bad, but damn, you're a winner.
08 March 2009
Searching for my princess Leia - 25 (Downers Grove)
Greetings I've decided to give this a shot. Trying to meet women at the bar is lame and outdated. I want to meet a woman who is truly interested in who I am and having a meaningful relationship. Okay, here are somethings about me...I have a very high appreciation for music. I'm kind of a self-proclaimed geek. I enjoy comic books, video games, and I also moonlight as a master jedi. I am a nice hybrid of homebody meets adventurer. It's always a party hanging out playing boardgames or spending quality time watching the Wars or some episodes of TNG with that special someone, but I also enjoy getting out and seeking excitement. I consider myself an avid outdoorsman who likes to fish, hike, camp, travel, and hunt for moral mushrooms. One of my daily rituals is to go out for a nice long run. A favorite pastime of mine is to play music with my friends. I play the drums, and I am also attempting to play the piano/casio. She's a '84. We'll see where that takes me. Okay, enough about me...
I'm looking for someone who is equally active and appreciative of a good time. I am truly looking for someone for the long haul. I'm not interested in one night stands, and "No" you may not use my photos for any modeling and/or scandelous activities.
You're al gae and I'm a fun gi and together we are a linchen. hehe.
If you're interested, please send me some kind of correspondence and a photo would be nice.
Thanks!
Love of Star Wars? CHECK. Bad science-related puns? CHECK. Misspelling of scandalous? CHECK, again! Learning how to play a Casio?
Husband?
06 March 2009
Crazy Marxist-Leninist seeks same. - 25 (Gainesville)
I've tried this once before, and got someone that sucks. Don't reply to this if you're a god damn Obama-Liberal and/or you think the Democratic Party is a good thing. I'm seeking a like minded female. I don't care what you look like, as long as you're into Marxism-Leninism. That means no Trots, no Orthodox Maoists (that means no one who takes their views on socialist countries from the 1960s Sino-Soviet split, i.e. anti-Castro Maoists), no Cruise Missile Leftists, no Anarchists, no Libidinal Situationists, no primitivists, no Liberals, and definitely no right-wing trash of any sort. And if you're a guy reading this who knows who I am, don't tell people like that to respond to this ad (you know who you are).
And don't flag this post for removal. That's BS.
Here, let me do you a favor, you crazy Marxist-Leninist. Consider this title next time you post (because believe me, there will be a next time): Crazy-Leninist seeks woman not offended by his extreme passive-aggressive behavior. I know I just widened your pool of women (politically speaking), but I think you'll agree that this is necessary for any sort of long-term relationship success. You're welcome.
And don't flag this post for removal. That's BS.
Here, let me do you a favor, you crazy Marxist-Leninist. Consider this title next time you post (because believe me, there will be a next time): Crazy-Leninist seeks woman not offended by his extreme passive-aggressive behavior. I know I just widened your pool of women (politically speaking), but I think you'll agree that this is necessary for any sort of long-term relationship success. You're welcome.
05 March 2009
Im hoping to bump in to you!!! - 22 (lexington)
Im just here to maybe find a nice beautiful girl that I can get along with. Attraction is what sparks everything, I believe, so Im going to leave at that. Any interest, send me a pic (mines b-low), and message...
Um, I'm pretty sure that's Lil Wayne, in which case - I'm just guessing here - makes it NOT a pic of the poster. Personally, I'd let it slide, just for the implied reference to Lollipop, which I'm taking as a reason to post THIS. Keep hitting refresh until it plays. Seriously, you'll thank me later.
Um, I'm pretty sure that's Lil Wayne, in which case - I'm just guessing here - makes it NOT a pic of the poster. Personally, I'd let it slide, just for the implied reference to Lollipop, which I'm taking as a reason to post THIS. Keep hitting refresh until it plays. Seriously, you'll thank me later.
26 February 2009
Just your average joe..with a slight case of nuttiness! - 33
The names abilio people just call me bill , let me tell you about myself, im a goofy creative person who comes up with corny ideas like this one I thought up, remember that old Reeses commercial “How do you eat your Reeses”? Well I came up with my own tv ad for it . Have Reese Witherspoon(the actress) holding a large spoon and then say,¨ How do you eat your Reeses?Witherspoon¨ Get it !! well I told you it was corny lol. Anyways my other goofy idea which is much better and if I have the time I would like to get it published is my own cartoon, I call it Violent Violet the Crayon gone bad. It’s a cross between the sopranos and flinstones .You see in my cartoon emotions represent the colors of the crayons I have characters such as green envy ,purple passion(violent violets girlfriend) anger management(hes the red crayon) etc. My first episode is titled dare to draw first blood.
Heres a joke I created ,¨ what did judge judy say after screwing the jury?” It¦s a well-hung jury” stupid.
Okay heres another . I work in a pharmacy so one day I was asked to do a delivery for mr. Johnson. So I grabbed his prescriptions and headed down to his apartment. I knocked on his door and a 70-year old senior citizen answers the door ,”Mr.Johnson” I say,”heres your prescriptions¨ Mr.Johnson replies , thanks sonny boy¨ he grabs the bag peeks in the bag and says,¨ hey young man wheres my Viagra prescription?,cant you people do anything right, Hows a guy like myself suppose to do for fun besides playing bingo and doing crosswords all day? So I say ,¨ Sorry about that Mr.Johnson , no hard feelings tonight¨ laugh track here . Some more one liners that I invented,¨ I had sex only once,and that¦s because I believed that old saying my parents use to tell me,¨ If you do it right the first time you don¦t have to come and do it over again.¨ Also I came up with some ideas for t-shirts, remember the hamburger helper commercial that had the little talking hand , well put him on a blank t-shirt and have the saying,¨ never bite the hand that¦s feed’s you¨ another idea is just to have this saying on a t-shirt,¨ Im anal retentive, in other words Im a perfect asshole!!!!. Heres some more old jokes that need work anyways here it goes, “ I’m going to write a book on famous people who use Viagra…It’s going to be a pop-up book!!!!. Ever hear about the girl with the big nose?.. her nose was so big, she was giving blowjob’s sideways. Hey whats the worst feeling a woman can have?... She’s about the have the best orgasm of her life and all of a sudden the batteries go dead. Heres one that I need to seriously rework hey some people like it,”
Hey did you know a sex toy company is coming out with a twisted version of play-doh?.. Its called play-dildoh. Hey heres a real put down you can use if people ever make fun of how you look,” hey my dog gets more compliments from men/women than you do! .. heres one last one , an elderly couple are at the museum , they come up to the statue of david, and the wife starts admiring it, saying how lovely and great it is.. well the husband starts getting jealous because his wife seems to be giving more attention and compliments to the statue than he has everhad had from his wife , so he says” So whats so great about the statue?.. whats it got that I don’t have?”.. the wife replies with a grin on her face,” For one thing hes always hard!!”.. also I don’t know if I thought of this before but heres another idea for tootsie rolls pop commercial, have someone sucking on a tootsie roll pop and then say,” theres a sucker born ever minute… on a toostsie roll pop. “if a priest commits a crime ,is it considered a white collar crime?”. If a person in a wheelchair does a comedy routine, is it still stand up?”. Okay I know I should keep my day job, but hey I tried my best to okay now to the serious stuff.
Besides being a weird little man(im 5 10, 180 lbs) Im also a very flexible person who doesnt mind horseback riding, going to the aquarium/museum,the opera, staying at home watching a movie , playing chess or board games. hoping to meet someone who always keeps an open mind to whatever crazy idea that i come up with. i like doing a lot of things, as i believe everything new that i learn , will only make me a better person and less ignorant. i like working out ,chess, cooking,flying,reading,ufc,watching old tv shows etc. of course im always looking for new things to try, i love the knowledge and experience that comes with trying something new. hey maybe you can teach something new and i can teach you something new.
Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.I guess I get satisfaction in helping others without getting anything in return. That feeling that you get from making someone happy , is worth more to me than money or any material goods.I also take pleasure in cheering people up, hey if my partner had a bad day or feeling under the weather, i would probably give her a nice massage and feed her fresh strawberries dipped in hot dark chocolate. Money and material possessions are fleeting but the lasting memory of helping or making someone feel better is forever. I think honesty is my best trait, being honest is so much easier, why go to the trouble of lying, when in the end it catches up with you. What ive just said is charming but means nothing if I cant put it to action. I rather do than talk, here’s an example for ya ladies: would you rather date a guy who can charm you too death but does not keep his words.. basically he’s all talk and no action or would you rather date a mime. Sure you’ll have communication problems in a relationship with a mime , but at least his actions speak louder than his words.( bad joke I know just trying to make a point). Anyone can talk but Few keep their words, I really hate people like that.
I’m also a type of person who likes to keep things fresh. I like to keep my partner on their tip toes. I like to keep them guessing on what I’m going to do next. One of the secrets to a good relationship is not to let it get stale. Many couples fall into a routine,doing the same thing’s over and over again. It’s like at the beginning the guy does everything he can to get the girl but once he gets her, he get’s uncreative and does the same thing over and over again. Hey relationships and life are about variety. Personally I’m not the guy that would follow the standard procedure aka where the guy gets a girl flowers and chocolates. Personally I would come up with a more creative idea such as mystery grab bag, which is a hallmark gift bag filled with such goodies such a chocolates,a lottery ticket,a pez dispenser,make up kit,a good book etc. Yeah I like to separate myself from the herd , don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with giving a girl flowers and chocolates, but to me it sounds redundant and over used.
Anyways hoping to meet someone where we cant start out as buddies as I believe when you date someone expectations are high, you put to much pressure on date. I believe getting to know someone over a long period time (as friends) can tell if your right for each other. Hey when you go on date you or you date may have had a bad day and that may leave an undesirable impression. Anyways sorry im not good at this writing thing but if your interested feel free to write back. Oh yeah one more thing heres my list of favorite movies,tv shows, board games ,video games and other gibberish.
Favorite movies: platoon, sniper, napoleon dynamite,clerks(1 and 2),breakfast club,fast times at ridgemonte high, Harold and kumar, bill and ted excellent adventure,a very brady sequel adventure,transformers the movie,anger management,not another teen movie, karate kid 1,2, rocky III, rocky balboa, home alone 1 and 2, problem child 1 and 2,chucky, nightmare on elm street (all of them),searching for bobby fischer,ferris buellers day off,the crow, ghostbusters,E.T., star wars(all of them), star trek(all movies) the lost boys,goonies,the outsiders,back to the future(1 and 2),a very brady sequel.last of the Mohicans,lord of the flies,stand by me,Goodwill hunting,searching for bobby fischer, Indiana jones,little nicky,Brewster millions,billy Madison,enter the dragon,dodgeball,hitch,therock,ratatouille and gremlins( all 3 movies).
Favorite childhood shows and current favorites; kung fu,sledgehammer,bewitched,zoobilee zoo,gomer pyle,adventures of pete and pete,saved by the bell,the transformers,king of queens, the honeymooners,Seinfeld,the Bernie mac show smurfs,transformers,gi joe,get along gang,pacman, the shirt-tales, force five, Mindfreaks,starblazers,voltron,beavis and butthead, Webster, punky Brewster,different strokes, all in the family, baby looney tunes, batman:animated adventures, teenwolf,snorks,doug,rugrats,spongebob,malcom in the middle,smallville, Garfield and friends,rugrats,supernatural,everbody loves Raymond, Johny zero, last comic standing( seasons 2 and 3),the littles,Alvin and the chipmunks, heathcliff,wait till your father gets home, mr.belvidere,home improvement,dennis the menace,little archie, yogibear,flinstones,aqua hunger teen force, reno911,chappelle show, you cant do that on television, heman and the masters of the universe,gobots,ducktales,silver spoons, chip and dale, the Charlie brown show,alf, fat albert,the munsters,leave it to beaver, spiderman and his amazing friends,bewitched,teenage mutant ninja turtles, Kirby, dragonball z, battle of the planets,muppet babies, the muppets,Richie rich, angel,buffy the vampire slayer,stargate, family ties,wonder years,the highlander,airwolf,hey Arnold,knightrider,family guy,facts of life,happy days,Baywatch, parker lewis cant lose,brady bunch, life goes on,tour of duty,thundercats,alice,golden girls,Sanford and son,happy days,one day at time,facts of life,the fall guy,welcome back kotter, threes company,perfect strangers,mask,ghostbuster,growing pains,I love lucy,whos the boss,small wonder,Kirby,dragonball z,avatar,alf,quantum leap,Laverne and Shirley,simpsons,I think I should stop now cause ive got like a 100 more shows lol.
Favorite board games: operation,life, battleship,chess,chutes and ladders,hungry hungry hippo, mouse trap and of course chess!!!.
Favorite music bands: skid row( 18 and life), def leppard, toto,motley crue,poison,guns and roses,bon jovi,warrant, van halen, Madonna, new kids on the block(just joking )whitesnake,nirvana, Duran Duran,pink floyd.
Best song: ordinary world(duran duran),Africa(toto). House of fire(Alice Cooper)
Best tv show theme song: welcome back kotter, adventures of pete and pete,dukes of hazard.
Favorite sport: tetherball and dodgeball lol
Favorite wrestlers : curt henning,randy savage,raven,Hulk Hogan, owen hart,kurt angle,the rock.
Favorite cereals:cocoa pebbles,cocoa puffs, count chocula,golden grams,apple jacks.
Favorite gum: bazooka joe grape, great tasting gum, comes with a a comic and tells your fortune ,what can ask more from a gum. lol
Favorite movie and tv characters: Bruce lee,master,Quinn Mallory,Po,Gizmo,gonzo,slimer(ghostbusters)fozzie bear,gargamel,archie bunker, boom boom Washington,juan Epstein,alf, AC slater,ferris bueller, zach morris,angel,spongebob,Charlie brown,Duncan mcleod brainysmurf,spiderman,macgyver,Donald duck,Winnie the pooh,tigger,jughead jones, sam and dean Winchester(supernatural) lex luthor(smallville), green arrow ,Michael knight(smallville),jeff spicolli,batman, randall (clerks)kara(smallville),destro,cobra commander, white shadow,major blood,pete and pete,endless mike,batman,roscoe Coltrane,orko,daisy dukes.
Favorite transformers: starscream,galvatron,megatron,stunticons,aerialbots,dinobots,combaticons,omega supreme,shockwave,soundwave,cyclonus,rumble.
Favorite romantic things to do: I know this gonna sound lame, but I think cuddling up with someone on a couch with a cup of hot chocolate , watching a movie or Saturday cartoons together is romantic, otherwise nothing beats a walk on the beach followed with a picnic,or a hot air ballon ride. Oh yeah this might not be so romantic but it would be cool to go to a magic workshop with someone and learn to to do magic together. You know practice with each other.
All time favorite video games: animal crossing( this game totally cracks me up :)
Mike tysons punch out,Zelda,castlevania, super mario3, tecmo bowl,san andreas,tekken 5,Grand theft auto 4.
By the way does anyone remember lasertag and photon?
Also does anyone remember collecting garbagepail kids?
Also does anyone remember teddy ruxpin?
Hey anyone have or had the smurfs pvc’s?( the little plastic smurfs) I remember playing with them and along with the transformers,gi joe,he-man toys , they rocked!!!!!!!!!
Slinkys also kick ass!!!
Smurfs or snorks?
Vinny Barbarino or Fonzie?
Bo Duke or Luke Duke?
Kitt or General Lee?
Anyone ever solve Rubicks cube?.... I know obviously theres a trick to it … the only trick I know is peeling off the stickers and placing them back on..lol!
Who do you think got higher SAT scores Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steve Urkel?
Anyone besides me wants to see NBC bring back Alf?... I have all the seasons on dvd and I tell you he’s one frickin funny dude?
Oh one more thing did anyone remember trying to break dance back in the day? … I remember getting an empty cardboard box and trying to spin on my head all while listening to a big stereo system.… lol
There are few times when I truly have no words upon seeing a Craigslist ad, but this is one of those times. The best part? This guy posts a variation on this ad at least once a week in different cities around Louisiana.
Heres a joke I created ,¨ what did judge judy say after screwing the jury?” It¦s a well-hung jury” stupid.
Okay heres another . I work in a pharmacy so one day I was asked to do a delivery for mr. Johnson. So I grabbed his prescriptions and headed down to his apartment. I knocked on his door and a 70-year old senior citizen answers the door ,”Mr.Johnson” I say,”heres your prescriptions¨ Mr.Johnson replies , thanks sonny boy¨ he grabs the bag peeks in the bag and says,¨ hey young man wheres my Viagra prescription?,cant you people do anything right, Hows a guy like myself suppose to do for fun besides playing bingo and doing crosswords all day? So I say ,¨ Sorry about that Mr.Johnson , no hard feelings tonight¨ laugh track here . Some more one liners that I invented,¨ I had sex only once,and that¦s because I believed that old saying my parents use to tell me,¨ If you do it right the first time you don¦t have to come and do it over again.¨ Also I came up with some ideas for t-shirts, remember the hamburger helper commercial that had the little talking hand , well put him on a blank t-shirt and have the saying,¨ never bite the hand that¦s feed’s you¨ another idea is just to have this saying on a t-shirt,¨ Im anal retentive, in other words Im a perfect asshole!!!!. Heres some more old jokes that need work anyways here it goes, “ I’m going to write a book on famous people who use Viagra…It’s going to be a pop-up book!!!!. Ever hear about the girl with the big nose?.. her nose was so big, she was giving blowjob’s sideways. Hey whats the worst feeling a woman can have?... She’s about the have the best orgasm of her life and all of a sudden the batteries go dead. Heres one that I need to seriously rework hey some people like it,”
Hey did you know a sex toy company is coming out with a twisted version of play-doh?.. Its called play-dildoh. Hey heres a real put down you can use if people ever make fun of how you look,” hey my dog gets more compliments from men/women than you do! .. heres one last one , an elderly couple are at the museum , they come up to the statue of david, and the wife starts admiring it, saying how lovely and great it is.. well the husband starts getting jealous because his wife seems to be giving more attention and compliments to the statue than he has everhad had from his wife , so he says” So whats so great about the statue?.. whats it got that I don’t have?”.. the wife replies with a grin on her face,” For one thing hes always hard!!”.. also I don’t know if I thought of this before but heres another idea for tootsie rolls pop commercial, have someone sucking on a tootsie roll pop and then say,” theres a sucker born ever minute… on a toostsie roll pop. “if a priest commits a crime ,is it considered a white collar crime?”. If a person in a wheelchair does a comedy routine, is it still stand up?”. Okay I know I should keep my day job, but hey I tried my best to okay now to the serious stuff.
Besides being a weird little man(im 5 10, 180 lbs) Im also a very flexible person who doesnt mind horseback riding, going to the aquarium/museum,the opera, staying at home watching a movie , playing chess or board games. hoping to meet someone who always keeps an open mind to whatever crazy idea that i come up with. i like doing a lot of things, as i believe everything new that i learn , will only make me a better person and less ignorant. i like working out ,chess, cooking,flying,reading,ufc,watching old tv shows etc. of course im always looking for new things to try, i love the knowledge and experience that comes with trying something new. hey maybe you can teach something new and i can teach you something new.
Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.I guess I get satisfaction in helping others without getting anything in return. That feeling that you get from making someone happy , is worth more to me than money or any material goods.I also take pleasure in cheering people up, hey if my partner had a bad day or feeling under the weather, i would probably give her a nice massage and feed her fresh strawberries dipped in hot dark chocolate. Money and material possessions are fleeting but the lasting memory of helping or making someone feel better is forever. I think honesty is my best trait, being honest is so much easier, why go to the trouble of lying, when in the end it catches up with you. What ive just said is charming but means nothing if I cant put it to action. I rather do than talk, here’s an example for ya ladies: would you rather date a guy who can charm you too death but does not keep his words.. basically he’s all talk and no action or would you rather date a mime. Sure you’ll have communication problems in a relationship with a mime , but at least his actions speak louder than his words.( bad joke I know just trying to make a point). Anyone can talk but Few keep their words, I really hate people like that.
I’m also a type of person who likes to keep things fresh. I like to keep my partner on their tip toes. I like to keep them guessing on what I’m going to do next. One of the secrets to a good relationship is not to let it get stale. Many couples fall into a routine,doing the same thing’s over and over again. It’s like at the beginning the guy does everything he can to get the girl but once he gets her, he get’s uncreative and does the same thing over and over again. Hey relationships and life are about variety. Personally I’m not the guy that would follow the standard procedure aka where the guy gets a girl flowers and chocolates. Personally I would come up with a more creative idea such as mystery grab bag, which is a hallmark gift bag filled with such goodies such a chocolates,a lottery ticket,a pez dispenser,make up kit,a good book etc. Yeah I like to separate myself from the herd , don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with giving a girl flowers and chocolates, but to me it sounds redundant and over used.
Anyways hoping to meet someone where we cant start out as buddies as I believe when you date someone expectations are high, you put to much pressure on date. I believe getting to know someone over a long period time (as friends) can tell if your right for each other. Hey when you go on date you or you date may have had a bad day and that may leave an undesirable impression. Anyways sorry im not good at this writing thing but if your interested feel free to write back. Oh yeah one more thing heres my list of favorite movies,tv shows, board games ,video games and other gibberish.
Favorite movies: platoon, sniper, napoleon dynamite,clerks(1 and 2),breakfast club,fast times at ridgemonte high, Harold and kumar, bill and ted excellent adventure,a very brady sequel adventure,transformers the movie,anger management,not another teen movie, karate kid 1,2, rocky III, rocky balboa, home alone 1 and 2, problem child 1 and 2,chucky, nightmare on elm street (all of them),searching for bobby fischer,ferris buellers day off,the crow, ghostbusters,E.T., star wars(all of them), star trek(all movies) the lost boys,goonies,the outsiders,back to the future(1 and 2),a very brady sequel.last of the Mohicans,lord of the flies,stand by me,Goodwill hunting,searching for bobby fischer, Indiana jones,little nicky,Brewster millions,billy Madison,enter the dragon,dodgeball,hitch,therock,ratatouille and gremlins( all 3 movies).
Favorite childhood shows and current favorites; kung fu,sledgehammer,bewitched,zoobilee zoo,gomer pyle,adventures of pete and pete,saved by the bell,the transformers,king of queens, the honeymooners,Seinfeld,the Bernie mac show smurfs,transformers,gi joe,get along gang,pacman, the shirt-tales, force five, Mindfreaks,starblazers,voltron,beavis and butthead, Webster, punky Brewster,different strokes, all in the family, baby looney tunes, batman:animated adventures, teenwolf,snorks,doug,rugrats,spongebob,malcom in the middle,smallville, Garfield and friends,rugrats,supernatural,everbody loves Raymond, Johny zero, last comic standing( seasons 2 and 3),the littles,Alvin and the chipmunks, heathcliff,wait till your father gets home, mr.belvidere,home improvement,dennis the menace,little archie, yogibear,flinstones,aqua hunger teen force, reno911,chappelle show, you cant do that on television, heman and the masters of the universe,gobots,ducktales,silver spoons, chip and dale, the Charlie brown show,alf, fat albert,the munsters,leave it to beaver, spiderman and his amazing friends,bewitched,teenage mutant ninja turtles, Kirby, dragonball z, battle of the planets,muppet babies, the muppets,Richie rich, angel,buffy the vampire slayer,stargate, family ties,wonder years,the highlander,airwolf,hey Arnold,knightrider,family guy,facts of life,happy days,Baywatch, parker lewis cant lose,brady bunch, life goes on,tour of duty,thundercats,alice,golden girls,Sanford and son,happy days,one day at time,facts of life,the fall guy,welcome back kotter, threes company,perfect strangers,mask,ghostbuster,growing pains,I love lucy,whos the boss,small wonder,Kirby,dragonball z,avatar,alf,quantum leap,Laverne and Shirley,simpsons,I think I should stop now cause ive got like a 100 more shows lol.
Favorite board games: operation,life, battleship,chess,chutes and ladders,hungry hungry hippo, mouse trap and of course chess!!!.
Favorite music bands: skid row( 18 and life), def leppard, toto,motley crue,poison,guns and roses,bon jovi,warrant, van halen, Madonna, new kids on the block(just joking )whitesnake,nirvana, Duran Duran,pink floyd.
Best song: ordinary world(duran duran),Africa(toto). House of fire(Alice Cooper)
Best tv show theme song: welcome back kotter, adventures of pete and pete,dukes of hazard.
Favorite sport: tetherball and dodgeball lol
Favorite wrestlers : curt henning,randy savage,raven,Hulk Hogan, owen hart,kurt angle,the rock.
Favorite cereals:cocoa pebbles,cocoa puffs, count chocula,golden grams,apple jacks.
Favorite gum: bazooka joe grape, great tasting gum, comes with a a comic and tells your fortune ,what can ask more from a gum. lol
Favorite movie and tv characters: Bruce lee,master,Quinn Mallory,Po,Gizmo,gonzo,slimer(ghostbusters)fozzie bear,gargamel,archie bunker, boom boom Washington,juan Epstein,alf, AC slater,ferris bueller, zach morris,angel,spongebob,Charlie brown,Duncan mcleod brainysmurf,spiderman,macgyver,Donald duck,Winnie the pooh,tigger,jughead jones, sam and dean Winchester(supernatural) lex luthor(smallville), green arrow ,Michael knight(smallville),jeff spicolli,batman, randall (clerks)kara(smallville),destro,cobra commander, white shadow,major blood,pete and pete,endless mike,batman,roscoe Coltrane,orko,daisy dukes.
Favorite transformers: starscream,galvatron,megatron,stunticons,aerialbots,dinobots,combaticons,omega supreme,shockwave,soundwave,cyclonus,rumble.
Favorite romantic things to do: I know this gonna sound lame, but I think cuddling up with someone on a couch with a cup of hot chocolate , watching a movie or Saturday cartoons together is romantic, otherwise nothing beats a walk on the beach followed with a picnic,or a hot air ballon ride. Oh yeah this might not be so romantic but it would be cool to go to a magic workshop with someone and learn to to do magic together. You know practice with each other.
All time favorite video games: animal crossing( this game totally cracks me up :)
Mike tysons punch out,Zelda,castlevania, super mario3, tecmo bowl,san andreas,tekken 5,Grand theft auto 4.
By the way does anyone remember lasertag and photon?
Also does anyone remember collecting garbagepail kids?
Also does anyone remember teddy ruxpin?
Hey anyone have or had the smurfs pvc’s?( the little plastic smurfs) I remember playing with them and along with the transformers,gi joe,he-man toys , they rocked!!!!!!!!!
Slinkys also kick ass!!!
Smurfs or snorks?
Vinny Barbarino or Fonzie?
Bo Duke or Luke Duke?
Kitt or General Lee?
Anyone ever solve Rubicks cube?.... I know obviously theres a trick to it … the only trick I know is peeling off the stickers and placing them back on..lol!
Who do you think got higher SAT scores Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steve Urkel?
Anyone besides me wants to see NBC bring back Alf?... I have all the seasons on dvd and I tell you he’s one frickin funny dude?
Oh one more thing did anyone remember trying to break dance back in the day? … I remember getting an empty cardboard box and trying to spin on my head all while listening to a big stereo system.… lol
There are few times when I truly have no words upon seeing a Craigslist ad, but this is one of those times. The best part? This guy posts a variation on this ad at least once a week in different cities around Louisiana.
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