i'm looking for two incompetent young women who would like to spend a night with me in a tent. nothing sexual need occur. please do not bring anything loud. serious replies only. if you have ANY clown paraphernalia PLEASE leave it at home. bringing ANYTHING related to clowns to our meeting will be viewed as ASSAULT! also, i prefer that you do not tell me your name, as i will be giving you a Cherokee name.
if interested, email me back, but do NOT send me a picture. i want it to be a surprise when my son first sees you. if you are addressed at ANY POINT as "justin beiber", please play along.
Best Craigslist ad ever? Maybe. I want it to be real so badly. Cherokee name? BRILLIANT. Just call me "Adsila" and I will be your cherry blossom, at least until you call me Justin Bieber.
Showing posts with label possibly ironic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label possibly ironic. Show all posts
09 September 2009
Ever touch an electrical fence?
I have the standard 6ft. fence in our backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawn mower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
So, now that you have been thru all this, are you interested in talking to me more?? I hope so. Let's talk and see what happens!!
Tennessee husbands ftw!
To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawn mower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
So, now that you have been thru all this, are you interested in talking to me more?? I hope so. Let's talk and see what happens!!
Tennessee husbands ftw!
09 August 2009
Shorty where you at??? - 24
A little bit about me: Physicially I'm 24 yrs old, Blond hair Blue eyes 6'' tall, handsome... with an athletic build. I would say I've lived a very interesting life for someone my age and plan on continuing with my adventures living my life to the best of my ability. I haven't been in a relationship for about 2 years now, and I feel like meeting someone new... someone I don't already know, that's why I'm trying Craigs to see what might come of it. I'm a college graduate, have a successful career, and generally just a good person. If I might be of interest to you, feel free to send me a message and we can get to talking and see whatever else might come from it.
Successful college graduate who lives in Flint, Michigan? I'm skeptical.
Successful college graduate who lives in Flint, Michigan? I'm skeptical.
31 March 2009
Only Low Esteem women need apply (IC/Coralville)
I will treat you like crap... I won't call when I say I will... and when I do see you, I will keep asking you when you are going to lose some more weight? I will tell you how much better looking your friends are than you.
I will isolate you from your family.
you will tell me your deepest insecurities, and I will exploit them.
I will treat you like every other man has treated you in the past... and you will keep coming back for more.
--ps: say something about Iowa City/ Coralville, so I know that you are real.
I'm very torn* between denouncing this man as a hateful, misogynistic pig and applauding him for his honesty and what I'm guessing is a good deal of self-awareness colored by heavy doses of reality.
*and by torn, I mean the opposite.
I will isolate you from your family.
you will tell me your deepest insecurities, and I will exploit them.
I will treat you like every other man has treated you in the past... and you will keep coming back for more.
--ps: say something about Iowa City/ Coralville, so I know that you are real.
I'm very torn* between denouncing this man as a hateful, misogynistic pig and applauding him for his honesty and what I'm guessing is a good deal of self-awareness colored by heavy doses of reality.
*and by torn, I mean the opposite.
25 February 2009
Douche Bag (All over)
What up b$%^hes? Ya, Im talking to you! Are you just getting over someone and need a rebound? Or maybe you dont mind having some guy walk all over you. I can be that person. Im looking for a girl to support my drinking habit and possibly slap around a little. Stop being lonely and get out of that crappy dump you call an apartment. Enough fun for now. Im using this site for an experament to see what junk mail people send through craigslist. I bet some people dont even read these. So if you want to buy my drinks and take care of me, hit me up. Oh yeah, people with brats need not apply. Thanks.
Anybody wanna "experament" with this douche?
Anybody wanna "experament" with this douche?
23 January 2009
I'm a Bed Wetter. - 26
I live at home with my parents in suburbs and we have goats and could possibly work out a trade for your very young lady daughter for marriage? About me I am young and obviously in very good health. I am outgoing and spontaneous, sometimes I yell profanities out for no reason and surprise even myself. I have lump in neck and shoulder and doctor say they should go away soon but also maybe never. I do not know this is confusing to me. You will have comfort time sleeping next to me as I do not snore but sometimes I pee. In tickling me I may poop as well. I am not foreign I am just not well with words or also with babies and have intense fear of this mysterious 'clitaurus' as it sound very primitive and angry.
I am looking for only the best woman who look like Jessica Alba or the lovely Rosie O'Donnel. Please only reply if attach a picture. Thank you for your kind words.
I am looking for only the best woman who look like Jessica Alba or the lovely Rosie O'Donnel. Please only reply if attach a picture. Thank you for your kind words.
14 January 2009
OMG I'm so freakin happy! - 25 (Chicago)
Who wants to have sex?!
Here at Husband?, we've taken a negative stance towards posting individual's photos, as it seems needlessly cruel and (possibly) in poor taste. I am temporarily violating that oath of craigslist-poster respect to bring you the photo that accompanied this ad. Dear poster, I say this with no irony and in complete, unadulterated sincerity: MARRY ME.
It's over folks. This is your husband:
Is this what love feels like? OMG, now I'm freaking happy...
I'm a dork and you're dork, just because we use cheats... - 22 (chicago)
I'm a dork and you're a dork, just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart. This is riiiiidiculous!!!! I can't even find a dorky girl on craigslist. I'm from Milwaukee, WI where the bucks suck, the brewers never won a championship and the packers can suck it!! I'm a cubs fan, I love them lil' furry bitches roaming in the woods. I like beer, and cigs. I joke around like everyday is my last. I'm sarcastic, outgoing, laid back like a lounge chair, and down to earth bada bing!!I have short hair, yes all over my body ooolala ladies jk. Honestly I'm bored as fuck and wished that somedays I didn't have to work and could just crack up with a dorky girl, where the funginas are you girls? I listen to all sorts of music and wear skater clothes, sometimes no clothes but only when the thrift stores don't have cool stuff. Yes, I shop at thrift stores, you got a problem than you can suck it. I'ma be like a fetus and head out, laterz
Someone went to the Diablo Cody school of Craigslist ads. His picture also tells us that he is pretty keen on Kanye West.
Someone went to the Diablo Cody school of Craigslist ads. His picture also tells us that he is pretty keen on Kanye West.
29 August 2008
Golden Shower - 38 (Baton Rouge)
Lookin for a Cute Babe 18-Early40s who will be my Mistress and I will be your SLAVE!!!! I Want to taste your Golden Nectar!!! i want U to Pee all over my Face and Hair Chest!!!! Let Me Know!!!
WORTH NOTING: This poster actually posted pictures of someone else peeing into some middle-aged man's (who I suppose could be - but likely isn't - his) mouth. Classy!
WORTH NOTING: This poster actually posted pictures of someone else peeing into some middle-aged man's (who I suppose could be - but likely isn't - his) mouth. Classy!
I'm kind of a douche bag - 29 (tulsa)
Hello,
I have been described as emotionally unavailable, heartless and kind of a douche bag. In the evenings I get a little gassy but it usually doesn't last too long. My hobbies include talking about how awesome I am as well as updating my myspace profile. If you like what you hear... and I think you do... drop me a line (photo por favor) and we can talk about me for a while.
I'm the one in the middle
I have been described as emotionally unavailable, heartless and kind of a douche bag. In the evenings I get a little gassy but it usually doesn't last too long. My hobbies include talking about how awesome I am as well as updating my myspace profile. If you like what you hear... and I think you do... drop me a line (photo por favor) and we can talk about me for a while.
I'm the one in the middle
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