Ever touch an electrical fence?

I have the standard 6ft. fence in our backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.


Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawn mower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


So, now that you have been thru all this, are you interested in talking to me more?? I hope so. Let's talk and see what happens!!



Tennessee husbands ftw!

you'll think my tractors sexy

looking for some paradeing material someone who is drop dead gorgues i like blone and long legs i am a farmer ouside of ithaca with a very sturdy built


Usually, I respond to what an individual is trying to say in their post. In this case, I think the poster would benefit a good deal more from a breakdown of their grammar and spelling errors.

you'll think my tractor's sexy

looking for some parading material*; someone who is drop dead gorgeous. I like blonde [hair] and long legs. I am a farmer outside of Ithaca with a very sturdy build.


*Begs the question: what is parading material? A person attractive enough to parade in front of others? Patriarchy is the worst.

Redneck Seeking Cane Pole Queen - 41 (Austin)

If you don't know about Cane Poles, fishing with Cheetos, Beanie Weenies. If you don't have an Aunt that fishes with Big Red, then where you been?
Do you know what a minna is?
What is the daily bag limitt of Crappie?
How do you bribe a Game Warden?
What is the other use of a telephone?
What works better than WD 40 on a dry fishing reel?


Psycho women stay away! Russian Brides Stay Away! If you are in Nigeria and have money you want to wire me. Go ahead. I may call you back after I spend it all to make sure it is real. So with all the scams aside!
Don't ask me to join a stupid website or join some special adult chat
group to see your photos. I am a real man I already have a vivid
imagination.

Now if you have a fishing website or chat forum that tells me about
new fishing holes or techniques, I am interested.

If your only communication skills are text messaging then it won't
work out for us. You will wind up killing me. I drive a lot and it
messes me up trying to eat a bbq sandwich, drinking coffee and driving
70MPH. When I text the Yellow Line becomes a blur and I don't know
what kind of road kill I just drove over.

I might even miss the snake in the road. That is important. It is
mandatory for me to jam my brakes and go back and make sure I got the
snake. A snake in the road requires absolute and immediate action,
especially a rattle snake in the road. It doesn't matter if you have
to block traffic you have to do U-turn after U turn to run him over
till he stops moving.

Right now the best thing to to is put the dead snake on the nearest
fence. It is supposed to bring rain. So put all the snakes you can
on the fences across the area. In case it is a rattlesnake or copper
head make sure the head is off, don't assume any liability for your
actions.

Back to the mesage.

The only friends with benefits situation I am looking for is if you
have an extra $25 or $50 Academy Surplus, or Cabellas gift certificate
burning a whole in your pocket that would be a dream come true.

If you see some rods and reels on sale or at a garage sell you are
welcome to text alert me or dial me in 911 speed.

Don't respond if, you are pyscho, stuck in Nigeria, Albania, England or BFE.

My name is James, for real. I am 41 years old, 6 foot 3 inches tall,
235 pounds or so depending on how much bbq I have eaten. Brown Hair,
Hazel eyes.

I am really nice guy looking for a real woman.

Not looking for the following:
I am not looking for a Russian Bride, I am not looking for a woman
stuck in Nigeria or England looking for money to come to the US.
Basically if your stuck in some other country do what my ancestors
did, save you money and get your own boat ride over here.

I am looking for:

Looking for a real woman who can appreciate a real man. You won't
change me but you might be able to tame me.

No nagging women. No women who are going to call me at 5:35PM and ask
why I am still working. No abusive women. No psychos, please. Been
there done that.

What I have to offer: I will ask you how was your day and I will turn
the TV off and listen. I will wash your car, I will give you a neck
and back massage. I will cook for you occasionally or maybe a lot. I
would rather chase a good cook around the kitchen. I will hold your
hair back when you vomit.

So lets meet for coffee or a Sonic Burger to start. I can go from BBQ
all the way to Tofu at a vegetarian restaurant. Very versatile. If
your lucky someday I will whip up a home cooked meal for you and
massage your feet and ask how your day was.

I can talk for hours and hours and listen. Some women have accused me
of have a secret woman inside or me in regards to this. At the same
time I am a guys in all facets. I stink like a guys, sweat like a guy
and have the urges of a guy. I gladly leave the toilet set up for a
bigger target. Too much energy wasted on raising and lowering the
toilet. So if we work out I probably need my own toilet at some point
or a great tree in the back yard is even better. It is all about
going green and water conservation.

Finally the most important test. No woman worth marrying will have
less than 15% of her bridal selections at Academy Surplus.

James




Woah there, James! That's a lot of words. I can only assume that the bit at the top is some sort of special Redneck code, like 4-trackin. If so, congrats, you've weeded me out of your pool of potential mates. There's a lot here, but I've bolded some of my favorite bits. Call me, James. You're really not that bad, but damn, you're a winner.

cowboyhardware3 - 24 (parma/albion)

howdy there i just got out of a relationship where i wasn't appreciated for what i did and what not, but i'm a big time country boy but my life is a cowboy. i own horses and i am looking for a country girl to have fun with i like to party and just hang out with friends at the bar in parma. i love to hunt and fish as well as ride my crotch rocket when i can so if ya interested send me a message


When I read 'ride my crotch rocket,' I might have loled a little bit...I'm pretty sure that puts me on par intellectually with 12-year-old boys.
Also of note: how does one ride one's own crotch rocket?

like busch light? got the balls to gut a deer? - 21 (allendale)

Me: laid back country boy light smoker love a good laugh good job born again christan redneck/outlaw type prefer country music but listen to anything but rap enjoy a good fire hunting and fishing bluejeans and a tee shirt 7 days a week won't drive anything but a ford truck

You: white 19-25 high school grad born again not a big girl no drama stay at home mom type hunt/fish a plus not divorced no kids not bi semi- normal will laugh at mexican jokes

Your pics get mine NO PORN!!! e-MAIL first see where it goes from there