30 January 2009

lADIES, HANDSOME LIVE IN LOVER AVAILALBE - 28 (nEW oRLEANS)

Posted at 4:38 on January 29, 2009:
mY NAME IS bO. i AM SEEKING A FEMALE TO MOVE IN WITH. rACE, i MA READY TO MAKE YOU GO ooohhh!!!!



Posted at 5:15 on January 29, 2009:
Is it just me or is he ugly?

One reason to date Bob Crunder - 27 (new orleans, la)

He will let you ride his big cock!!!!



Reasons to love this post:
1) Bob Crunder is a man who doesn't understand the embarrassment inherent in advertising for sex on Craigslist
2) Bob Crunder is proud of his big cock, and isn't afraid to let the public know, via these delightful things we call the internets
3) Judging from the picture Bob Crunder posted, he does in fact have a huge cock.

Bob Crunder in you in '09!

28 January 2009

Gorgeous REAL Artist searching for IMAGINARY 'Model type Female' (Art Studio)

REMEMBER, You are IMAGINARY, not real. So, I'm going ALL OUT on this post for my 'Model type Female' who happens to love painters. Yes, I am a painter/artist...I haven't 'milked' that one for all it's worth...yet. I digress...

My IMAGINARY 'Model Type Female':You are between 5ft. 3 and 5ft. 10. Slender, Petite, Average, with a sense of flare. You have healthy beautiful long or short stylish/chic/hip hair. You have beautiful/penetrating eyes. Pouty French lips. High cheek bones (of course). Dress HIP and CLASSY (a cross between Audrey Hepburn, Sade, Hip skater chick, Heroin chic model, and this chick I never 'met' from CL). You know who you are? You can look great in classy 1960's dress, hot in a hoodie, beautiful with or without makeup. Keep this in mind however, you're not real. Just trying to get you back into reality.

You must like Art Art Art and Art. And not the following type of art (you know), like someone who paints Unicorns or Sunsets. And, when you say you're into the Velvet Underground or Generation X, you actually listen to these bands at home or in your car. Oh yes, you can love Death Cab, and all of those new glorious bands with lyrics that inspire (I like the new lyricists).

I LOVE YOU IMAGINARY FEMALE:)

Sincerely,

Moi

FREE BEER!!!!!!!!!! - 25

I am dying of boredom tonight so I thought I'd toss up a post, besides what greater way to spend a Tuesday evening than posting to the bottom feeding site of the online dating world, but I haven't reached the point where I'm ready to pay to post a profile to engage in what will likely be meaningless coversation. Anyways, although I've clearly set the bar low, I can't wait to hear from you.


What I offer: Hmmmmmmm, that's a tricky one. In the event we proceed to the next level, the upside is you will get a free beer out of it. That said, the downside may be you walking away from the experience saying "well that was just not worth the free beer." In all seriousness, I think I'm a pretty decent guy, I have a job so thats a plus (especially given the current economic hole we have dug ourselves here), I'm pretty heavy on the sarcasm, and I'd put my money on you staying for the second beer.


Since I played the clever little pic trick, I'll give you a brief description to entice your curiousity until we go through the whole pic exchange. I am about 5'2, 345lbs, and.......wait...wait thats not right. I'm actualy about 6 foot 185lbs, brn hair, brn eyes, white. I'd say pretty much your average dude.


Anyways, cure me of my Tuesday boredom and hit me back.

26 January 2009

Single white Young man looking for the love of hisl ife.Got a poem 4 u - 23 (Chicago)

Hoping to find someone honest, easy going and looking for something true... Im sweet honest guy who just wants that person to be there for me and the other way around... Some stuff about me i was in army did my time did some college thing... Org from SA grew up in Chicago thing...If you want to find out more just email me please thank you cheers...picture is of slipper and next one is and the last one is me and my niece...Poem for all you ladys to understand my heart...

My clumsy heart has two left feet
It always trips when I see you
It starts to race and skip a beat
My clumsy heart has two left feet
It's starting now to feel the heat
Because of all the things you do
My clumsy heart has two left feet
It always trips when I see you 0_o...



Bad poetry? Oh, noetry!

23 January 2009

I'm a Bed Wetter. - 26

I live at home with my parents in suburbs and we have goats and could possibly work out a trade for your very young lady daughter for marriage? About me I am young and obviously in very good health. I am outgoing and spontaneous, sometimes I yell profanities out for no reason and surprise even myself. I have lump in neck and shoulder and doctor say they should go away soon but also maybe never. I do not know this is confusing to me. You will have comfort time sleeping next to me as I do not snore but sometimes I pee. In tickling me I may poop as well. I am not foreign I am just not well with words or also with babies and have intense fear of this mysterious 'clitaurus' as it sound very primitive and angry.

I am looking for only the best woman who look like Jessica Alba or the lovely Rosie O'Donnel. Please only reply if attach a picture. Thank you for your kind words.

Reconnaissance of the Pastel Psychokinetic Polysyllabic Nymphomaniac - 29 (Chicago)

dear secluded craigslist nymphomaniac,

i was adrift in a psychedelic wonderland distant and misanthropically content, but to my delight in a surreal artist state i consumed an abstraction to exigently post a diatribe in a free online forum dazzled with prolixities unbeknownst to the common cyberspace fluff bunny. nonetheless, destined to antagonize me with factoids discovered with perilous surreption from some ominous online peregrination or irrelevant source of badinage.

i understand my pastel psychokinetic polysyllabic nymphomaniac cyberspace heroine presupposed all this while magnanimously perusing craigslist in between wondering why she can't find herself a good man. fear not, i'm the lizard king and hopefully you're not another xenophobic, apathetic fascist who displays nepotism for all that isn't affluent by corporate constructed contrivance. i digress...i'm still dubious as well. i'm not too impressed at the idea you could be some anti-aesthetic form of human life classified as: bbw or fat. or perhaps lacking a reverence for a modern infrastructure that would allow you to co-exist, or subsist on some arboretum in a fabricated urban reflection transparent to everyone but you.

nonetheless, i cannot ignore my desire to seduce you indubitably with lack of judgment. alas, i save the greatest for dessert my pastel psychokinetic nymphomaniac polysyllabic cyberspace heroine. also, please forgive my idiosyncratic predilection for nymphs who allow me indulge my fetish for pastel coated easter eggs. they may become a reoccurring theme.

22 January 2009

I've Been Ditched on valentines Day! - 23 (GR)

Okay...so..My long distance girlfriend ditched me for Valentines Day. Instead she is hanging out with her mom and aunt.

I was planning on naming a star after her. Then, after telling her I was too busy to see her that weekend, I was going to drive eleven hours and surprise her. Now I'm stuck with no one to go out with on V-Day and a borrowed telescope in my trunk. Needless to say, I. Am. Furious.

I am looking for someone that I can friend on Facebook who is hot. We go out, have a good time, and take plenty of pictures. The next day we post and tag them. This a) prevents me from sitting around on Valentines Day in my underwear, and b) teaches her a lesson for ditching me without even consulting me first.

Anticipating your questions...yes, I am emotionally scarred. No, I do not care. Lastly...yes, I am serious. Send pics, maybe a name to look up on facebook.


Wow. That girl is lucky that she backed out of Valentine's Day with this guy. His plans were almost as cliche as this picture:

21 January 2009

"Husband Material Here... haha physch just kidding" - 30 (London, UK)

Here's a little bit about me.
-------------------------------

I'm a work hard, play hard kind of guy. I like entertainment, in fact, i'm ****ing passionate about entertainment.

I have a passion for achieving....I'm a doer not a talker.

Califonication, 30 rock and Heroes are ****ing awesome. Eastenders, Coronation Street and Hollyoaks’s are illustrations of how to not live your life.

I don't believe in God, but I believe that my God has a sense of humor. Picture this, he likes to think of me as a cat, places bundles of string in front of me and gets me to chase it getting closer and closer each time but never quite reaching it. I don't believe that people are good or bad...people are just people. I hope that you're *cough* good and bad ;)

I don't believe in taking advantage of people...except if they're religious and instant on giving you free hot chocolate.

What I'm Looking for
--------------------
Though I'm seeking a relationship, I'd rather 'hangout' first...I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not so easy, I need to socialized and wined and dined first. So are you a good cook? lol.

I'm not quite that intense. But if you're not fun, interesting and feminine I'm not interested. Oh! You must have a SMILE to die for.

I'm looking for a kick ass, cool, fun and interesting girl. Pretty, but not necessarily a page 3 figure (though that would be nice) ;).

Above all, you must be able to pass this test (select one from each):

1) Cappuccino or hot chocalote?
2) Hagen Daze or Ben & Jerry’s?
3) Sweet or savory?
4) Bars or clubs?
5) MSN, Facebook, email, phone or Face to face?

What I'm NOT Looking For
--------------------

- You wear a baseball cap, use the phrase "init", "safe" or "yeh man" or self styled 'IT' girls....then you can forget it I'm looking for a more classy girl.

- An "online buddy"...I have REAL LIFE friends

- A whale, wilder beast , common' cut out the crap

- A rake, a girl needs a figure


Could be Interesting
--------------------
The reality is you and I would probably never get along. I wouldn't take your sh*t- and you wouldn't take my shit. And that’s precisely why it could work. ;-)

Want to meet up?
----------------

Anyhow, if you think that you' like to meet up take the test and I'll take it from there if you pass.

First Date
Just imagine. We meet up for drink (yeah a drink is my first choice, that way if you turn out to be a dancing monkey or a wilder beast - I can 'go to the toilet' and never return...you girls know how it works!). It's a little bit difficult in terms of conversation at first - but the excitement thrills you. Our conversation is light - but fun, casual but exciting - we just seem to have so much to talk about.

You tell me about the pet rabbit you used to own, and I tell you about the time I worked at a rabbit processing plant. *whack on arm*

You tell me about the time you were talking to some old guy on a train and he fell asleep on you...and you look at me, and I'm sound asleep ;) - okay so I'm a little bit of a tease ;)

I tell you about the time I ran when a guy showed up pretending to be a girl I met online. Then, I tell you about the time I met the fat & skinny Elvis in Vegas (guess which one the girls liked?)

The conversation is fun, but engaging.

I ask you if you're spontaneous...to which you reply, you are.

We walk out the bar arm in arm and take a random bus to a random destination...we take it from there.

I await your response,

Luke

email/coffee/kisses/sex/ltr/marriage/babies/death/reincarnation/email (where wine exits your nose from laughing)

You can't dance with a scary 400 pound gorilla and not expect to come out it with a smashed toe or two. But it's a helluva' dance and this ape would climb the Empire State Building and swat at planes for the right girl.

Leakey is digging under the wrong tree trying to find that 'missing link' between ape and man that thrust him from his four legged pre-consciousness to his near divine two legged sapienhood. It was the four legged creature's chivalrous attempt to get Lucy's attention. He lifted himself off his fours, and handed her a honey ant. Chivalry is the driving force behind evolution. If it weren't for roses and sonnets we'd be still swimming in the primeval ooze.

If I weren't so chivalrous and refined a gentleman, this is what my
personal ad would say...

Listen up ladies, you've got a snowballs chance in hell in finding your soulmate comedian through online dating. That takes divine intervention and your selfish life hasn't really been a paradigm of selfless compassion to invoke the Hand of Providence. So you're gonna' have to turn Mother Teresa and pray a lot or you're gonna' have to settle for less than that 6'2", 12" pecker, 6 pack abs, male model good looks, emotionally committed, financially stable, great sense of humor, sensitive man you've been holding out for. Forget about giving him your precious virginity -- you gave that to some loser long ago because you were horny and impatient. You have a better chance of meeting the Easter bunny than this superficial shmuck who was already bagged by his high school sweetheart and commutes from his Long Island starter home to a job he
hates and comes home exhausted to a woman he's learning to hate.

So settle for this -- and I will put it in the crassest terms:

5'8", a few extra pounds, easy on the eyes, wit and intelligence that can truly take on the best of them, a poetic, soulful creative soul, a tattoo or two, lots of fucking baggage (yes, there was life before you), immaturity, a sense of adventure that's taken him to near one hundred countries, family oriented, spiritual -- not just in easy words but in actual acts of benevolence and self-sacrifice, a genuine belief in God, 2 PhD's ABD (All But Dissertation -- who has fucking time to finish these things), MA, MBMgmt, loads of awards, moments or sheer genius and absolute stupidity, strength -- physical and of character, and here's the kicker that will leave you breathless: an average income of $XXX,XXX a year. I think I finally got your attention ladies, because escort or prima donna, girl next door or dominatrix, gold-digger or heart of gold, we're all interested in security. Despite our promising careers we all
want to be taken care of like daddy used to take care of us. So secure in the knowledge that I can Dolce & Gabbana your asses from here to eternity, take you anywhere in the world on a whim, stay in 5 star hotels, eat in ZAGAT's top restaurants, get you a fucking maid so you never have to clean or do laundry, get you a personal trainer to keep you looking great, and when gravity takes its toll, pay for botox, lipo, face lifts, implants, eye jobs, ectoscopic forehead lifts and whatever the fuck you need to look good forever. That fantasy shmuck of yours can't do that. Ever.

And one more thing, I will worship the ground you walk on. And bring you fulfillment.

Listen to your mom -- settle already and give her the grandchildren
she's been bugging you about and so richly deserves after putting up with her
picky, ungrateful daughter all these years.

But alas I am a refined and proper man and can never say what's really
on my mind.
Do I detect a smile? A girlish giggle or two. Can I be your funnybone?

But beware of:
CYBER-FUCKING-BULLSHIT

In this tangled web of 'perfection' I tip my hat
To those 'hotties' out there, not a single one fat.
Don't get upset, just decipher the code
And you'll learn to distinguish the truth from a 'load'....

Twenty pounds overweight is simply called 'average'
30 pounds deliciously 'thick',
40 is 'voluptuous'
And 50 pounds, 'fit as a brick'.
60 is 'Ruebenesque",
70 'an hourglass figure',
80 pounds, 'a full-bodied woman' --
And believe it or not, God, their asses get bigger!

Not only do the women lie:
'Outgoing men' are truly shy,
'Generous gentlemen', tight as a Jew,
'Communicative' chaps don't listen to you.
'Six feet tall' is five feet eight,
'Twenty nine' more like forty-eight
The 'love to travel, 'cultured', 'sophisticated' men
Have their butts glued to their E.Z. chairs and E.S.P.N.

Let's take it as a given we're both big fat liars,
Flawed, self-deluded, and short on prime buyers.
So let's get together, bitch, moan and piss
I just may be the fuck-up you won't wanna' miss.

YOU: ideally: 22-29; timeless beauty (in/out/sideways/birdseye view);
witty and wild; can stifle the Krakatoic rumblings of your womb for 5 years or can do without the fucking monsters altogether; don't need Google to follow me;
creative; wants to see 100+ countries; ticklish; can laugh at yourself; jaded but not cynical; need help with your G-spot; spend less than 1/8 of your life on a fucking cell phone; makes more than reservations for dinner; your booty's not so big as to warrant its own zipcode but I don't want one of those boney ass bitches neither; you're willing to be tattooed; you'll try anything once -- and twice if I tell you it's healthy; you know the wealth of a person has little to do with money; passionate; mysterious; have childlike curiosity; enjoy refreshing honesty; are a muse and enjoy reading poetry in bed; walk upright; know at least 18 slang phrases for sex; don't smoke(near me at least); know the sexiest and most erotic thing about any man is his hot, throbbing brain

ME: your fucking nemesis, soulmate, funnybone, worshipper, protector, the cool dude you've been holding out for, that whore in the kitchen and gourmet in the bedroom, milk moustache and Don Juan with a Djembe drum belly

THEM: ahhh, fuck'em

INAUGURATION EDITION PART II


Who voted for Hilary? - 18 (Chicago)

So how many of you girls voted for Hilary?


I'm happy with Obama but something in me still wants too see another Clinton administration.

If you feel this way you should probably message me.

See ya.

Jewish Man Looking for an Attractive Jewish Girl - 23 (Upper East Side)

I'm looking to date an attractive girl around my age in my area. You don't have to be Jewish to answer this ad, but it will help if you want to hear back from me. I enjoy going to restaurants, movies, museums, and WWF Wrestlemania when it's in town. Please include a picture in your response, preferably a picture of yourself. Here is a picture of me with international musical sensation Quincy Jones (yes, I did have one too many drinks when this photo was taken as I am a lightweight). And the other is George Bush and I.

Traditional, fun-loving, intellectual, boyish male seeks date. - 32 (Conshohocken, PA)



I'm a single male, 32 years old, 6 feet tall, 180 lbs., brown hair, hazel eyes, boyish-looking, non-smoker and non-drinker. I studied computer science and moved from northeastern PA to the Philly suburbs to work as a computer programmer a few years ago. I am qualified to join the high IQ society Mensa based on my test scores and intend to join shortly. Because I am an intelligent, logical thinker, I'm naturally a Republican. I campaigned door-to-door for John McCain and hope to work triply hard to get Sarah Palin elected president in 2012. I believe the liberal obsession with so-called "tolerance" is leading to an "anything goes" attitude that carries with it the devastation of the healthy, traditional values that have made the U.S. the greatest country on earth. As I write this I see an ad from a man who says he's looking for a girl to smoke pot with while he celebrates the Obama inauguration. What more do you need to know to decide where you stand in this very morally challenged country? I believe abortion is murder and the death penalty is justice. I believe a war for democracy is more honorable than making peace with a dictator. I'm not religiously devout or observant, which makes me less of a fanatical zealot than most Democrat activists. My favorite decades are the 1950s and the 1980s.

WALL-E was far and away my favorite movie of 2008 and of the past several years. Other recent favorites include Peter Jackson's King Kong, 40-year-old Virgin and Spider-Man 2. I have absolutely no interest in watching or discussing sports. I watch the O'Reilly Factor as much as possible and expect any girl I'm with to enjoy watching it with me.

I DONT LOOK LIKE MCCAIN - 32 (LA)

PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME. (NORMAL AND WHITE MAN WITH DOG & 2 CATS)

INAUGURATION EDITION



Obama Supporter Seeking Entreprenuer W/F With HOPE - 53 (Caledonia)


You only have one life, will you waste MOST ALL of it waiting for "Mr. Right"?

Is your image of Mr. Right someone who spends money and takes you out for "an evening" of entertainment, or is "he" the kind of guy that is there morning noon and night for you, making every waking moment enjoyable?

You've had enough "bad relations" and not enough solid, regular involvement or attentions. The kind of connection you can feel even when away from each other.

Are you bold enough to take your share of a "Mr. Right" if offered?

Well, I'm being offered to one of you, by someone who is like you. Loving, honest and willing to share me with you, in exchange for the friendship and love you bring. (If you're thinking a sex-tryst - you're sadly mistaken - she's straight and so are you!) Do you want to try something different that is more safe, secure and wholesome than you might think at first. Are you afraid of what people may think (who cares if it's what we want together?) If you're afraid of something here, then you are not ready for me. I have nothing in my life or behavior that will ever hurt you. You see, I may be the father of three grown women, and grandfather to 2 adorable"angels" - and respected for who I am and the good things about me.

Long term, genuine, honest, "down to earth", no "head games" type of man. I'm still waiting for a woman with guts enough to take a chance. To get involved with someone brighter than the dim bulbs we seem to have for men in this world.

I consider myself to be a "woman's man" - considerate, happy, respectful, upbeat, helpful, chivalrous, sensual, handyman - just about everything you may want in a man (EXCEPT beer drinking, football watching, balls scratching horn-dog or "womanizing" - and other insensitive and disgusting habits of typical "men" today).

I have been asked to find another partner, friend, companion and lover who seriously is tired of the dating scene and wants a SOLID MAN in her life EVERY DAY, and get the attention, affection and respect you know you want and deserve.

I could go on, but if you're not interested by now, what's the point? If you think this is BS, then fine - close this window and get on with what you're doing..... looking again.

Won't one of you "find" me? I'll admit this is "non-traditional", but you know what? Dating dozens of losers and most likely getting involved with someone who is lying to you doesn't sound like fun to me....... Remember - once someone has trashed a love relationship, they can do is SO MUCH easier to you when they're tired of you.

No airy promises, just a solid, honest and genuine man that will last you a lifetime...... I'm ready. Are you willing?

Are you a 37-50ish, in good shape, healthy mentally and physically (average is good), HT/WT proportionate to a "few pounds over", average nice looking gal?

Learn more about living honestly and in the presence of someone who truly wants and cares for you - my theory, once you've made love to someone - only a monster would destroy it.......

A creative, dedicated and loyal mind is looking for you. Will you answer? By the way I am a W/M ..... and OBAMA'S MY MAN. Do YOU have hope for our future?
I am glad that Obama is synonymous with non-traditional in West Michigan.


seeking a Michelle Obama type - 38 (Memphis)

Mrs.Obama showed so many wonderful quailities these last few months. As a wife, mother, confidant her spirit shined. I thought to myself that's the type of woman that I need in my life. I know that with the support of a good woman my goals would be so much easier to obtain and then I could offer my strength and support to her as well.


Moving to a town near you Black Male seeks White Princess !!!!!!! - 40 (St.Paul)

I'm a black male looking for a single attractive white women to get to know.Very single and not into games just want to love,honor,and respect you and treat as my equal.I want to get married and make an OBAMA!! send pic holla back



Obama yay! - 26 (Boston)

Lets do something fun tonight! Bar. Movie. Something like that. Boston area. I’m 26 years old.


Ghost town NYC


It really is a ghost town out there. What gives?
You couldn't all be freezing your asses off in DC, or home watching Obama slow dance over and over.
I thought for sure the bars would be hopping, but I just ran to the store, and almost got hit in the head by a tumbleweed. Twice.

Now look, there's no reason a sexy, educate, handsome sock puppet like me should be home all alone, bored no less. I'd like entertainment, a best friend, a girlfriend, hot sex, a trophy wife, a portable encyclopedia, and a fairy princess all rolled into one. At this point, I may be less picky seeing as I'm suspecting we might be the last two people left on this island.


White Obama in every way - 27 (Windsor Terrace nyc)

Change! We need to change stuff! Iraq War = Stupid idea! Hope! Hawaii! Harvard!

The only difference between me and Barack is I don't have a Michelle.

white male seeks black female for private OBAMA celebration - 34 (Brooklyn)

i thought it would be an ever better day if we kissed , drank Champagne and anything else that comes to mind......... as the inauguration was happening.
it's time to celebrate!


20 January 2009

True Love : ) (Everywhere )


The first step to finding true love anywhere is finding it in the one who first truly loved you. If you don't know who i am talking about I will gladly talk to you about who that is. Its God. he knew and Loved you before the world was even put into existence. Think about it.

In Christ Love.


Surprise! This post is from Grand Rapids.

Pushy Evangelism + Poor Syntax = Undesirable Husband



17 January 2009

LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT SEX - 25 (Evanston)

Often in the throes of yet another heady sexual encounter, as I am eliciting hearty moans from (one of) my extremely satisfied sexual partners, I get in the mood to talk politics, or maybe I want to discuss that book that I suggested you read. Did you like the ending, or like me did you find it pat and contrived?

Alas, the girl I am fucking is too dumb.

But, imagine what we could do together!

As I'm gyrating my hips and thrusting deeply into your body, I gently lick the tears of joy, the soft but pleasurable double-edge liquid agony that runs down your flawless cheeks and I whisper in a low voice, "People are underestimating the latent racism in America. If you think that Obama is going to sail away with the election, you're delusional. My money is still on the old white guy and even if I'm wrong it's only going to be by a hair."

Your breasts heave with your quickened breath. Can this pleasure be real? The sweat from my trim muscular body covers you, making you grasp me only that much harder, hands slipping over my chisled physique to make sure I do not escape you in this moment of perfect union.

And I take the opportunity of our intertwinded dependence to remind you that, though it plays well on television to deny this, the fact is that the financial markets in this country have so enmeshed themselves in the global, credit based war-time economy, any domestic bailout or rescue plan must take into account the actions and decisions of our trans-national business partners and competitors, not to mention the consequences of any change in our current military actions abroad that would destabilize the crucial arms market that acts as the backbone of so many of our industrial and service industries. Is this moral, I ask? Where does the blood of so many end and our monetary security begin? And does that feel good? Does it? Does it, slut!

By now the scented candles, so tall and full of portent when the lovemaking began, has dwindled away and been rendered to a fused amalgam that is eerily reminiscent of the psycho-spiritual-corporeal being our two bodies have become...One.

We laugh gaily as we both approach the end of our journey. In the background, Wolf Blitzer cow tows to yet another career politician spewing rehearsed soundbites to bubblegum questions.

"The sheep," we think. And then I cum in your face.

16 January 2009

Free condoms (Warning these may or may not be cursed) LOL - 33 (olmsted)


YES I KNOW THIS IS IN THE WRONG SPOT BUT PLEASE DON'T FLAG ME TILL YOU READ FURTHER AND SEE THAT THIS IS INDEED THE BEST SPOT FOR ME TO ADVERTISE THESE! I HAVE NOT HAD ANY LUCK POSTING THEM ELSEWHERE (HENCE THE REVISIONS AT THE BOTTOM)


So I am single again ... well for almost 4 months now. I wasn't dating in the beginning, and was really enjoying being by myself. The independence was great. I could get away with not making my bed in the morning,go to work(must admit being allowed to work without accusations of imaginary whores has been my favorite) leaving the toilet seat up, leaving the bathroom counter a little wet, you know, the things...and it was all fun. And I really wasn't interested in getting into the whole dating scene again. Never was a bar/club player ever anyways.

But then the loneliness started getting to me. I missed being intimate with a woman, the touch, the laughs, the showers, the arguments, the sex after the arguments, you know, the whole thing. So I started dating again.....yes through the Internet...yes on craigslist! So I posted a couple ads, not knowing what to expect, and replied to quite a few, again not quite sure what will come of it. And boy was I in for a surprise?

The first week: Nothing! Zilch! Zero! Other than those same 5 to 6 women who's husband's or B/F's are away and they can host if I go to their chat site (Ladies you don't need to tell me it's free I wanted my own G/f not borrow someone else's) I posted a simple ad saying I am single, reasonably good looking, nice job, not a player, blah blah blah. No replies. Well I figured it's just a start and besides I knew there were way more men hounding craigslist than women anyways. And so I replied to a bunch of ads written by women (okay more than a bunch, a lot). Now let me tell you, I'm not a greek god, but I don't look bad, I'm taller than average, keep myself in pretty good shape, very active, very funny, intelligent, a simple, fun person, right? So I replied to all these posts (from the woman who had 200 specifics about her ideal man and an ad that made me scroll my screen 4 times to the woman who wrote 4 words in her post, and everyone in between), and for the ones who wrote "pic for pic" I attached my pic (why can't we type whole words again?). No replies. Now I don't cut and paste my replies. I read the posts and try to be funny and relevant and meet the "requirements" so to speak. Still...No replies.

The next few weeks: So I posted more ads, replied to even more ads, and finally the responses started trickling in. And here it gets a little interesting. I don't know what about my emails sends an inviting signal to this new breed of women who proudly refer to themselves as BBW. But all of a sudden I was a hero for them. They wanted me...big time. Now don't get me wrong ladies, I think you're all beautiful, just not my type. Maybe Mr. Craig should split the "women seeking men" section into two: "BBW seeking men" and "Non-BBW seeking men", because in my humble experience there are a LOT of BBWs loitering this website.

So after putting a filter in my mailbox that would automatically block all emails containing the now dreaded word BBW, I kept moving on. Got a few nice emails, and went on some dates (Although I must say it is getting more difficult to get women over their fears of leaving their homes what is everyone doing out there to scare them into hermits I wonder). Now you must be wondering what's up with that box of condoms on the title. Well now that I was sort of dating again and was pretty upbeat, I went to the store and bought a box of condoms (They are Trojan Magnums very hard to come by when you live in middle class white suburbia maybe it's because of the shiny gold foil package I know how the brothers like their "BLING" on the other side of town). And I actually began to carry some on me when I went on dates (yeah like these women would wanna jump my bones on a first date, but you never know right?). No luck ppl. I would come back from these dates, and put the condom back in the box, and it kept happening again and again. So much so that it's been almost 4 months since I bought that box and I haven't used one frickin condom. Maybe that box is jinxed. Maybe it brought me bad luck. Would Wal-mart take the box back I wonder?

So this box of condoms and I developed a weird love-hate relationship. Everytime I took one out of the box, the box would sorta grin at me: "Dude, I don't think so!" was what the box would sorta say. And then later that night when I sheepishly returned it in the box, the box would let out a sigh: "Dude, told ya!". I kept him warm and comfy (away from any major source of heat or light, like the label says) in my medicine cabinet, but then I moved him somewhere in my closet so I don't have to face him everytime I use aftershave. Because I really was embarrassed to face the box. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and hear the box talking to me "Dude, do you think you'd EVER get laid?". Yeah for some reason he always called me "Dude" in a wry, sarcastic way. So I started fearing the box. Is there a condition called CAD, yeah, Condom Anxiety Disorder, I might have it. But then the box wouldn't always be sarcastic, sometimes I could sense that he sorta felt my pain. Sometimes in the mornings when I was taking clothes out of my closet, he would say "Dude, you're a good guy, things will be okay", or something comforting like that.

But I think this relationship is hurting us both. My CAD is getting worse, and the box is getting close to his expiration date with each passing day. Now he never talks about the expiration date, but gives me subtle hints. Like when I open the closet, he would deliberately lay on his side so the expiration date is in my face. So I know, that the box is worried too. So one day I had a talk with him, yeah one of those man-to-condom ones. I asked him "Are you sad with all this?". He looked at me, a little surprised, because I never asked a direct question like that before. Then his sarcastic side returned: "Dude, what dya think?" And I said "Okay I'd return you to the store". A flicker of anger, obviously he didn't like the idea: "Dude, no half-decent box of condoms would ever wanna go back to the store shelf, R U outta yer mind?" He explained to me that it's the unwritten law in Condom Land that a box that's returned is jinxed and brings bad luck. Well that was it....

So I want to sell this box to somebody.

To someone who meets the 200 specific criteria that woman posted,
To someone who's a greek god,
To someone who actually gets laid on craigslist...

Well I have had no luck advertising these to any men on CL so I am re-posting them as I am sure the female's will surely get much more use out of them and actually know WHEN they will have a need for them as opposed to the males.

I must update as I wouldn't want to rip anyone off an Ex-G/f stoped by my home with an offer to clean my home if I would have sex with her (condoms not needed). Well I insisted I received her services BEFORE I performed mine. Well long story short the box and it's contents were "discovered" in their "hiding" place. Unbeknownst to me a full box of condoms in my "size" is absolute proof that I was sleeping around before our break-up. So the "Evil condoms of infidelity" needed to be destroyed. So I only rescued 5 of the little guys that seem to be intact. The rest of their brothers and the box (he won't be talking shit no more will he the smart-ass) have met with an untimely demise (Steak knife during the whole "Get the fuck out of my house whack-job shit like this is why I didn't want you here in the first place" that was being wielded by my potential house cleaner). So I would be willing to trade the last 5 if some woman was interested in cleaning the rest of my house!

Text Fuck for a cold day - m4w - 27

I am horny and cold as hell. So are you. Write me and I will send you my digits. Lets trade some dirty text msgs. No push to meet. No Strings Attached. Hell, change your name for all I care. I just want to make you wet.

If you're interested in changing your name, you could be so lucky.

SPECIAL EDITION: Notable Casual Encounters


Fred's All Natural Facial Cream - m4w - 29 (Grand Rapids)

For women who are interested in sampling nature's moisturizer free of charge! Fred's All Natural Facial Cream is 100% free of impurities. Just pump the easy to use applicator and enjoy the benefits. It's that simple!

Fred's All Natural Facial Cream is recommended for use by those who are 18 and over only. Due to the unique design of the applicator, the placement and portion of product cannot be guaranteed.

Fred's All Natural Facial Cream is vitamin enriched and contains only natural ingredients. By the end of the session, you may be saying "VENI!" (Vitamin Enriched, Natural Ingredients).

Avoid contact with eyes (closing them during the application process is recommended). Certain side effects may occur, especially should the product contact your hair (you may wish to watch "There's Something About Mary").

Fred's All Natural Facial Cream is currently in the experimental stages. As part of this process, I may wish to document its use. Should you prefer not to have the process documented, please inform me when you schedule the appointment.

Fred's All Natural Facial Cream has NOT been tested on animals. It has been used only on human volunteers. Should you like to volunteer, please contact me.

Facial Cream FAQs
"Will Fred's All Natural Facial Cream stain if I get some on my shirt?"
-Yes, I'm afraid there will be a stain. You may wish to remove your shirt when using the applicator.

"My friend and I both want to use Fred's All Natural Facial Cream. Is it possible for us to come together?"
-If your timing is good! But in response to what I think you're asking: Yes, I can schedule a joint appointment. A single portion is sometimes enough for two simultaneous applications. You will need to remain in close proximity to each other in order for the applicator to achieve this function.

"I'm afraid I won't know how to use the applicator. Do you have instructions or illustrated graphics so I can be prepared?" & "Do you have any 'before and after' photos so I can see what a difference it makes?"
-Sure, to request these just send me a message

"If you document the process, will you ever post those photos on the internet or send them to people as samples?"
-Your privacy is important to me. No one will ever know if you don't want them to! The samples I provide via e-mail have been released by those depicted. And I never post the photos anywhere. They are for my personal research purposes only.

"When is the best time to use Fred's All Natural Facial Cream?"
-Mondays thru Fridays, any time after 5:00 pm...appointments are required!

"Where does the appointment take place?"
-Wherever you want. I don't have a specific place designated for appointments. I frequently and gladly make house calls (or dorm calls as the case may be).

"Can we meet before I actually schedule an appointment?"
-Absolutely. We can meet at a mutually agreed upon public place and discuss things over a cup of coffee if you wish.

"Is this for real?"
-Yes! The appointments are real. The clients are real. The applicator is real. And Fred's All Natural Facial Cream is 100% real! Real clients, real appointments, real fun. :)

fulfill my fantasy? - m4w

hello ladies....
I'm a lonely soul looking for someone to act out my life long fantasy.
It requires: Me and you in a very sensual re-enactment of March of the Penguins. You will be mama penguin, and I shall be papa..searching for your egg. If there are any animalistic females ready to take on this task, give me an email. It requires stamina, understanding, and a love of cold temperatures. Imagine, you and me, in our homemade igloo, making sex like the penguins do. We can use our bodies to heat the egg between your legs and then we can embrace just like the penguins do in that one scene from the movie. This is for real! I will only accept attractive females, or actual penguins. I will send pics if you send me yours. I'm good looking, 6'0, and was born in 2012.
looking for some real icy/sexy fun.




Lookin 4 chill girl around my age and 420Friendly - 19 (Comstock Park)



First things first I am 420 friendly for sure so if your deadset agianst it sorry My Bong/water pipe comes first. want to meet someone that is chill to be around and not too far away. Im 5'8 150lbs with short brown hair i got a slim build and generally just like to chill with friends. email me if your interested



14 January 2009

OMG I'm so freakin happy! - 25 (Chicago)



Who wants to have sex?!

Here at Husband?, we've taken a negative stance towards posting individual's photos, as it seems needlessly cruel and (possibly) in poor taste. I am temporarily violating that oath of craigslist-poster respect to bring you the photo that accompanied this ad. Dear poster, I say this with no irony and in complete, unadulterated sincerity: MARRY ME.
It's over folks. This is your husband:




Is this what love feels like? OMG, now I'm freaking happy...

I'm a dork and you're dork, just because we use cheats... - 22 (chicago)

I'm a dork and you're a dork, just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart. This is riiiiidiculous!!!! I can't even find a dorky girl on craigslist. I'm from Milwaukee, WI where the bucks suck, the brewers never won a championship and the packers can suck it!! I'm a cubs fan, I love them lil' furry bitches roaming in the woods. I like beer, and cigs. I joke around like everyday is my last. I'm sarcastic, outgoing, laid back like a lounge chair, and down to earth bada bing!!I have short hair, yes all over my body ooolala ladies jk. Honestly I'm bored as fuck and wished that somedays I didn't have to work and could just crack up with a dorky girl, where the funginas are you girls? I listen to all sorts of music and wear skater clothes, sometimes no clothes but only when the thrift stores don't have cool stuff. Yes, I shop at thrift stores, you got a problem than you can suck it. I'ma be like a fetus and head out, laterz

Someone went to the Diablo Cody school of Craigslist ads. His picture also tells us that he is pretty keen on Kanye West.

12 January 2009

College man in seek of Love - 23 (Oakland)

My name is Jay and I am a 23 year old male who goes too Itt-tech and am majoring in networking. I am 6' 185 lbs. am attractive(for you to find out) and have a very outgoing look on life. I just recently purchased a home in Troy and it's kind of lonely so I am trying to find that person to make it not. I have a dog and a cat, the dogs name is wrigley after wrigley field and the cats name is beaner. I love being outdoors and going for hikes or playing a round of 18. In the summers i go up north to my parents cottage alot and go wakeboarding and jet skiing and just about anything else you can do on the water.

At the same time though I can be really laid back. There is nothing else I would rather do on a Sunday night then rent a couple of movies and sit back and relax. I am a mediocre chef but that can all improve with time but I can make a wicked bowl of Ramin (jk). Hopefully we will have some similar interest and who knows where this could lead. Hope to hear from you soon. Jay

Someone please tell this college student that, in the spirit of the changing times, he ought to rechristen his cat 'Bigby.' I'd say this rates just a little bit higher on the racism scale than K College alumni who still accidentally call 'Bigby*' 'Beaners.'

Also, what kind of college student calls Ramen 'Ramin???'

*Technically, I think it's 'The Book Club,' but whatever.

10 January 2009

LETS RUN AWAY!!!! - 34

Hey there. There are no good girls where I am from. Looking for a good girl. I am the guy in the hat.



He points himself out because he posted two photos, ONE OF WHICH HE ISN'T IN.

Wanna make some quick cash? - 26 (Ithaca)

Looking for 19-35 y/o beautiful women who want to make some quick and easy cash taking pictures of their tongues and mouths. No physical contact or real-life meeting necessary. Must have digital camera, paypal, and internet. Please provide sample photo of face and tongue when applying.



Note to self: if I prove to be completely unemployable, there is always tongue modeling.

Posting Title: - 24 (CMU)

My parents just separated and my dog just died so
I’m kinda lonely but extremely strong and have so much going for me.
I could really use a good girl to help me out.

This is my myspace url It’s dedicated to my dog right now but add me and we can get to know each other

myspace.com/tystik989

09 January 2009

Broke assed limp *ick burnt out dead beat stoner seeks Hippie chick (ada)

Please reply with photo and brief description. I'll get back to you if I think there's chemistery.


At least this dead beat, burnt out broke guy with a limp dick cuts right to the point: please be hot. If I'm interested in trying to get it up for you, then I'll let you know.

fleshy ape man seeks woman for freindship - 24 (cdale)

i am a timid revolutionary, pot-headed, pascifist, truth seeking, human-mutant, angel of light raised by demon spawn . i f any women are interested in knowing more , thats why i wrote this, of course, lets talk. id just like a friend, i want more but will not ask for it. ive found meaningles sex is meaningles sex, and that is not for me.
i have trouble meeting people face to face, but here i can type at my own speed.
the kind of woman i want to talk to is the one who read this whole post and are not turned off by my obvious shortcommings. and is willing to show a lunatic love.
good luck finding love

I'm a student of love. lady's please don't be afraid - 36 (Anchorage)

Greetings, my name is Timothy, but you will be calling be Tim, as all my friends do. The pictures I have posted are not my best, but they do reveal more of the inner me. Slow and deliberate, contemplative.....then just seeing where Life's journey take's us....oh, did I say, "us"?
I can tell you little that's more important than I am a gentleman. You know, old school movie hero-type, a simple man with a big heart. I'll watch sports or movies and listen to music but never to the detriment of my relationship; I'm what one would call "a student of Life" (gleaning a new gem of knowlege or wisdom from each chapter, journey or adventure along the way). If that appeals to you, don't hesitate to contact me. I would love to hear from you, But if you choose to respond please send a pic. I have more, much better ones and, to be fair, we're all human and do base some of our feelings on the reaction we get when we see someone's face.
I am eager to greet yours,
Thank you for reading,
Tim ps I'm very lonly



Special follow up, courtesy of someone else in Alaska:

Hey Student of Love

Dude, do you have any clue as to the entertainment you're providing? I'm embarrassed for you. Admittedly, I'm new to the classifieds, but have read enough of them to literally laugh out loud for a couple of minutes after reading yours! Keep them coming!



I agree anonymous Alaskan poster, I agree.

05 January 2009

Board during winter break - 23 (Mankato)

Winter break is so boaring when all your friends go home for the hollidays. I am looking for someone to hang out with and just have a good time. A little about me is that I'm 6'1", athletic build, brown hair and eyes. I would consider myself smart, funny, and overall like to have a good time. If getting together to just hang out sounds like fun or would like to talk then send an email to learn more. (oh and yes I am just that board to post on craigs list)


If he thinks he is "board," I would guess that he is not in fact, "smart." Related: if you think you are [a] board, you should probably see a doctor as soon as possible, particularly that of the psychiatric variety.

Will you be my mommy or daddy? (Spring Lake)

I am a 18 year old male who likes being treated like a baby, diapers and all. Im just looking for someone to treat me like such.


I found this gem under missed connections.

looking 4 you,no fat girls,just real wemen - 22 (muskegon)

I ma young sexy father. Just moved here to meet new girls


How could such a short ad go so wrong?

The Laws of Attraction bring You to Me..seeking spiritual girl - 45 (East Town GR)




Seeking a girl with cool new age laws of attraction spiritual beliefs. The kind of girl that had read, "The Secret."
Must be fit, slim and attractive.
Send a pic in your first email

and we will get together and talk QUANTUM PHYSICS! AND the power of POSITIVE THINKING!


Folks, here we have the repeat offender. To be clear, he has been posting as long as we have been craigslisting. This is his first notable post because he cites the Secret in his ad. What is a bigger turn off? Oh yes, it is continuing to post pictures that you took using your mac, while professing to be an attractive artist.

I am Jack Bauer - 25 (Grand Rapids)



I am Jack Bauer, minus the excessive rage, violent impulses, anti social behavior, ability to fight terrorists, ability to not use the bathroom for 24 hours, and general apperance. If your like "Jack bauer who", you should hit the back button right now and go out and rent, nay, purchase the best show on tv. So....craigs list......does this make me a loser now? No more so than you i suppose (lol not in a mean way but.......i don't know.....forget it i guess). Okay to the point, so i guess i got most of my sh*t together, got the degree, got a car, got a job, got a place, got a couple cats (two isn't strange....right?), and consider my self a decent individual. I have blue eyes, dark blond hair, pierced ears, stay pretty clean cut and am in decent shape. hmmm what should you be?........like me but not.......i guess i want a free spirited kinda girl.....oh oh oh...you must be pretty......and are generally a happy person........if you dislike cinima or like ohio state (well if your really pretty you can like ohio state i guess)don't bother to apply. Oh okay this may be pertanent, i like to smoke and the other kind of smoke, oh and i have a big flat beautiful TV. okay well i hope i came off okay. Anyway send a pic my way and ill send you one back (provided i don't like work with you or anything). Take Care!


I added the picture. I could not help myself. Also, cinima? Really?


04 January 2009

Sympathy Sex? - 22

hey, im border line depressed right now. i know if i get some from a decent looking girl itll uplift my spirits. i am home alone and in need to bone a chick

anygirls interested? theres plenty in it for u : )

My interest in the poster went up exponentially once I found out there was plenty in "it" for me. In the future, I suggest that he cut to the chase and simply post "pity fuck?"

02 January 2009

Guy seeks hot chick with genital herpes - 34 (Kalamazoo)

Yeah, you read it right. While you are laughing, please tell all your friends about my ad, because I am sure at least one of them has herpes.

ME: 5'9", 165, blonde/blue, decent looking, several offensive and/or creepy tattoos. Likes: Rock n roll music (mostly punk and 60s-70s rock), horror movies, and stuff like that.

YOU: Similar interests of course. Same age or younger than me, outta my league looks-wise, and willing to settle for a guy your parents probably won't like very much.


Brady: Bike night!
Lauren: Husband?

Let's get it on before the Yellowstone supervolcano ends the world. - 24

Way I see it, 2009 is the year the world ends. War, seismic activity at a volcano large enough to create an extinction level event. Black president.

All the signs are there.

I'm not actually racist, but I don't care if you are. Hell, about all I care about is that you're also a willing participant and relatively easy on the eyes.

Come and get it before it's burned to a crisp then frozen in a nuclear winter.