26 February 2009

Just your average joe..with a slight case of nuttiness! - 33

The names abilio people just call me bill , let me tell you about myself, im a goofy creative person who comes up with corny ideas like this one I thought up, remember that old Reeses commercial “How do you eat your Reeses”? Well I came up with my own tv ad for it . Have Reese Witherspoon(the actress) holding a large spoon and then say,¨ How do you eat your Reeses?Witherspoon¨ Get it !! well I told you it was corny lol. Anyways my other goofy idea which is much better and if I have the time I would like to get it published is my own cartoon, I call it Violent Violet the Crayon gone bad. It’s a cross between the sopranos and flinstones .You see in my cartoon emotions represent the colors of the crayons I have characters such as green envy ,purple passion(violent violets girlfriend) anger management(hes the red crayon) etc. My first episode is titled dare to draw first blood.

Heres a joke I created ,¨ what did judge judy say after screwing the jury?” It¦s a well-hung jury” stupid.

Okay heres another . I work in a pharmacy so one day I was asked to do a delivery for mr. Johnson. So I grabbed his prescriptions and headed down to his apartment. I knocked on his door and a 70-year old senior citizen answers the door ,”Mr.Johnson” I say,”heres your prescriptions¨ Mr.Johnson replies , thanks sonny boy¨ he grabs the bag peeks in the bag and says,¨ hey young man wheres my Viagra prescription?,cant you people do anything right, Hows a guy like myself suppose to do for fun besides playing bingo and doing crosswords all day? So I say ,¨ Sorry about that Mr.Johnson , no hard feelings tonight¨ laugh track here . Some more one liners that I invented,¨ I had sex only once,and that¦s because I believed that old saying my parents use to tell me,¨ If you do it right the first time you don¦t have to come and do it over again.¨ Also I came up with some ideas for t-shirts, remember the hamburger helper commercial that had the little talking hand , well put him on a blank t-shirt and have the saying,¨ never bite the hand that¦s feed’s you¨ another idea is just to have this saying on a t-shirt,¨ Im anal retentive, in other words Im a perfect asshole!!!!. Heres some more old jokes that need work anyways here it goes, “ I’m going to write a book on famous people who use Viagra…It’s going to be a pop-up book!!!!. Ever hear about the girl with the big nose?.. her nose was so big, she was giving blowjob’s sideways. Hey whats the worst feeling a woman can have?... She’s about the have the best orgasm of her life and all of a sudden the batteries go dead. Heres one that I need to seriously rework hey some people like it,”

Hey did you know a sex toy company is coming out with a twisted version of play-doh?.. Its called play-dildoh. Hey heres a real put down you can use if people ever make fun of how you look,” hey my dog gets more compliments from men/women than you do! .. heres one last one , an elderly couple are at the museum , they come up to the statue of david, and the wife starts admiring it, saying how lovely and great it is.. well the husband starts getting jealous because his wife seems to be giving more attention and compliments to the statue than he has everhad had from his wife , so he says” So whats so great about the statue?.. whats it got that I don’t have?”.. the wife replies with a grin on her face,” For one thing hes always hard!!”.. also I don’t know if I thought of this before but heres another idea for tootsie rolls pop commercial, have someone sucking on a tootsie roll pop and then say,” theres a sucker born ever minute… on a toostsie roll pop. “if a priest commits a crime ,is it considered a white collar crime?”. If a person in a wheelchair does a comedy routine, is it still stand up?”. Okay I know I should keep my day job, but hey I tried my best to okay now to the serious stuff.

Besides being a weird little man(im 5 10, 180 lbs) Im also a very flexible person who doesnt mind horseback riding, going to the aquarium/museum,the opera, staying at home watching a movie , playing chess or board games. hoping to meet someone who always keeps an open mind to whatever crazy idea that i come up with. i like doing a lot of things, as i believe everything new that i learn , will only make me a better person and less ignorant. i like working out ,chess, cooking,flying,reading,ufc,watching old tv shows etc. of course im always looking for new things to try, i love the knowledge and experience that comes with trying something new. hey maybe you can teach something new and i can teach you something new.

Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.I guess I get satisfaction in helping others without getting anything in return. That feeling that you get from making someone happy , is worth more to me than money or any material goods.I also take pleasure in cheering people up, hey if my partner had a bad day or feeling under the weather, i would probably give her a nice massage and feed her fresh strawberries dipped in hot dark chocolate. Money and material possessions are fleeting but the lasting memory of helping or making someone feel better is forever. I think honesty is my best trait, being honest is so much easier, why go to the trouble of lying, when in the end it catches up with you. What ive just said is charming but means nothing if I cant put it to action. I rather do than talk, here’s an example for ya ladies: would you rather date a guy who can charm you too death but does not keep his words.. basically he’s all talk and no action or would you rather date a mime. Sure you’ll have communication problems in a relationship with a mime , but at least his actions speak louder than his words.( bad joke I know just trying to make a point). Anyone can talk but Few keep their words, I really hate people like that.

I’m also a type of person who likes to keep things fresh. I like to keep my partner on their tip toes. I like to keep them guessing on what I’m going to do next. One of the secrets to a good relationship is not to let it get stale. Many couples fall into a routine,doing the same thing’s over and over again. It’s like at the beginning the guy does everything he can to get the girl but once he gets her, he get’s uncreative and does the same thing over and over again. Hey relationships and life are about variety. Personally I’m not the guy that would follow the standard procedure aka where the guy gets a girl flowers and chocolates. Personally I would come up with a more creative idea such as mystery grab bag, which is a hallmark gift bag filled with such goodies such a chocolates,a lottery ticket,a pez dispenser,make up kit,a good book etc. Yeah I like to separate myself from the herd , don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with giving a girl flowers and chocolates, but to me it sounds redundant and over used.


Anyways hoping to meet someone where we cant start out as buddies as I believe when you date someone expectations are high, you put to much pressure on date. I believe getting to know someone over a long period time (as friends) can tell if your right for each other. Hey when you go on date you or you date may have had a bad day and that may leave an undesirable impression. Anyways sorry im not good at this writing thing but if your interested feel free to write back. Oh yeah one more thing heres my list of favorite movies,tv shows, board games ,video games and other gibberish.

Favorite movies: platoon, sniper, napoleon dynamite,clerks(1 and 2),breakfast club,fast times at ridgemonte high, Harold and kumar, bill and ted excellent adventure,a very brady sequel adventure,transformers the movie,anger management,not another teen movie, karate kid 1,2, rocky III, rocky balboa, home alone 1 and 2, problem child 1 and 2,chucky, nightmare on elm street (all of them),searching for bobby fischer,ferris buellers day off,the crow, ghostbusters,E.T., star wars(all of them), star trek(all movies) the lost boys,goonies,the outsiders,back to the future(1 and 2),a very brady sequel.last of the Mohicans,lord of the flies,stand by me,Goodwill hunting,searching for bobby fischer, Indiana jones,little nicky,Brewster millions,billy Madison,enter the dragon,dodgeball,hitch,therock,ratatouille and gremlins( all 3 movies).

Favorite childhood shows and current favorites; kung fu,sledgehammer,bewitched,zoobilee zoo,gomer pyle,adventures of pete and pete,saved by the bell,the transformers,king of queens, the honeymooners,Seinfeld,the Bernie mac show smurfs,transformers,gi joe,get along gang,pacman, the shirt-tales, force five, Mindfreaks,starblazers,voltron,beavis and butthead, Webster, punky Brewster,different strokes, all in the family, baby looney tunes, batman:animated adventures, teenwolf,snorks,doug,rugrats,spongebob,malcom in the middle,smallville, Garfield and friends,rugrats,supernatural,everbody loves Raymond, Johny zero, last comic standing( seasons 2 and 3),the littles,Alvin and the chipmunks, heathcliff,wait till your father gets home, mr.belvidere,home improvement,dennis the menace,little archie, yogibear,flinstones,aqua hunger teen force, reno911,chappelle show, you cant do that on television, heman and the masters of the universe,gobots,ducktales,silver spoons, chip and dale, the Charlie brown show,alf, fat albert,the munsters,leave it to beaver, spiderman and his amazing friends,bewitched,teenage mutant ninja turtles, Kirby, dragonball z, battle of the planets,muppet babies, the muppets,Richie rich, angel,buffy the vampire slayer,stargate, family ties,wonder years,the highlander,airwolf,hey Arnold,knightrider,family guy,facts of life,happy days,Baywatch, parker lewis cant lose,brady bunch, life goes on,tour of duty,thundercats,alice,golden girls,Sanford and son,happy days,one day at time,facts of life,the fall guy,welcome back kotter, threes company,perfect strangers,mask,ghostbuster,growing pains,I love lucy,whos the boss,small wonder,Kirby,dragonball z,avatar,alf,quantum leap,Laverne and Shirley,simpsons,I think I should stop now cause ive got like a 100 more shows lol.

Favorite board games: operation,life, battleship,chess,chutes and ladders,hungry hungry hippo, mouse trap and of course chess!!!.

Favorite music bands: skid row( 18 and life), def leppard, toto,motley crue,poison,guns and roses,bon jovi,warrant, van halen, Madonna, new kids on the block(just joking )whitesnake,nirvana, Duran Duran,pink floyd.

Best song: ordinary world(duran duran),Africa(toto). House of fire(Alice Cooper)

Best tv show theme song: welcome back kotter, adventures of pete and pete,dukes of hazard.

Favorite sport: tetherball and dodgeball lol

Favorite wrestlers : curt henning,randy savage,raven,Hulk Hogan, owen hart,kurt angle,the rock.

Favorite cereals:cocoa pebbles,cocoa puffs, count chocula,golden grams,apple jacks.

Favorite gum: bazooka joe grape, great tasting gum, comes with a a comic and tells your fortune ,what can ask more from a gum. lol

Favorite movie and tv characters: Bruce lee,master,Quinn Mallory,Po,Gizmo,gonzo,slimer(ghostbusters)fozzie bear,gargamel,archie bunker, boom boom Washington,juan Epstein,alf, AC slater,ferris bueller, zach morris,angel,spongebob,Charlie brown,Duncan mcleod brainysmurf,spiderman,macgyver,Donald duck,Winnie the pooh,tigger,jughead jones, sam and dean Winchester(supernatural) lex luthor(smallville), green arrow ,Michael knight(smallville),jeff spicolli,batman, randall (clerks)kara(smallville),destro,cobra commander, white shadow,major blood,pete and pete,endless mike,batman,roscoe Coltrane,orko,daisy dukes.

Favorite transformers: starscream,galvatron,megatron,stunticons,aerialbots,dinobots,combaticons,omega supreme,shockwave,soundwave,cyclonus,rumble.

Favorite romantic things to do: I know this gonna sound lame, but I think cuddling up with someone on a couch with a cup of hot chocolate , watching a movie or Saturday cartoons together is romantic, otherwise nothing beats a walk on the beach followed with a picnic,or a hot air ballon ride. Oh yeah this might not be so romantic but it would be cool to go to a magic workshop with someone and learn to to do magic together. You know practice with each other.

All time favorite video games: animal crossing( this game totally cracks me up :)
Mike tysons punch out,Zelda,castlevania, super mario3, tecmo bowl,san andreas,tekken 5,Grand theft auto 4.

By the way does anyone remember lasertag and photon?

Also does anyone remember collecting garbagepail kids?

Also does anyone remember teddy ruxpin?

Hey anyone have or had the smurfs pvc’s?( the little plastic smurfs) I remember playing with them and along with the transformers,gi joe,he-man toys , they rocked!!!!!!!!!

Slinkys also kick ass!!!

Smurfs or snorks?

Vinny Barbarino or Fonzie?

Bo Duke or Luke Duke?

Kitt or General Lee?

Anyone ever solve Rubicks cube?.... I know obviously theres a trick to it … the only trick I know is peeling off the stickers and placing them back on..lol!


Who do you think got higher SAT scores Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steve Urkel?

Anyone besides me wants to see NBC bring back Alf?... I have all the seasons on dvd and I tell you he’s one frickin funny dude?

Oh one more thing did anyone remember trying to break dance back in the day? … I remember getting an empty cardboard box and trying to spin on my head all while listening to a big stereo system.… lol


There are few times when I truly have no words upon seeing a Craigslist ad, but this is one of those times. The best part? This guy posts a variation on this ad at least once a week in different cities around Louisiana.

25 February 2009

god-like animal seeks queen - 45 (Central Ames)

I am definitely not your average frat boy. I am 5'1", 350lbs and loving life. I would like to meet a girl who is good-looking, intelligent, and willing to slather tubs of butter on my tummy while I eat some chicken wings and read Mad Magazine. No, this is not a joke, please do not judge my habits until you have had the pleasure of meeting me. Also I will NOT shave my neck beard for you, that is just something you will have to get used to. Must be willing to put out on the first date and be okay with eating out for several hours (the food type, not the vagina type, that's gross).

Sorry, bear. I'm judging you. However, I would have thought twice about that judging had you not implied that vaginas are gross.

Douche Bag (All over)

What up b$%^hes? Ya, Im talking to you! Are you just getting over someone and need a rebound? Or maybe you dont mind having some guy walk all over you. I can be that person. Im looking for a girl to support my drinking habit and possibly slap around a little. Stop being lonely and get out of that crappy dump you call an apartment. Enough fun for now. Im using this site for an experament to see what junk mail people send through craigslist. I bet some people dont even read these. So if you want to buy my drinks and take care of me, hit me up. Oh yeah, people with brats need not apply. Thanks.

Anybody wanna "experament" with this douche?

21 February 2009

Must be Country - 21 (close enough)



About me: I am 21 SWM. Born again, if your not thats no good. I am a redneck. LOVE MUSIC! Love driving ford trucks. I still party, love a good fire. Drink a bit, chew once in a while, smoke when i feel like it, no drugs. I hunt and fish 24/7. I have my own place, a job and a car. Good looking, always wear a hat and blue jeans. Very laid back. Love a good laugh. I have pics.

About you: between 20 and 26, drug free, kid free, no drama, born again, country girl, no bbw's plz, decent looking or better, high school grad, can bait your own hook when fishing.

Please respond with pic, and tell me a bit about yourself. If responding with out a pic impress me with your wit.

16 February 2009

LOOKING FOR AMAZING GIRL TO HAVE AMAZING TIMES WITH - 27 (Wheaton)

please include picture when you email me so i know who im talking to. fyi- from what i think and what people say i look way better in person then in pictures.
myspace.com/send__me_an__angel Hey I'm KEVIN i just bought a condo in wheaton a year ago and thats where im currently living. I work for everything i have. I like to make people laugh and have a great time no matter where I am or what im doing and don't let anything get in the way. Im really sarcastic, and love to joke around ,but can be serious when its time.I love to see people smile because its the greatest feeling in the world. i love to play guitar and listen to music. I also love to write and put my feelings into words and songs . I hope to one day make it in music and share my words and feelings with the world because some sing songs others sing life. i like to travel and take pictures and i want to see the world and make it a better place cause when i leave this earth i want to know i left it a better place. im that guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... im the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her" someone who isnt stuck up and judges people. dont be upset and say there are no good guys out there when all you look at is looks. your not going to find a guy with a nice body and great personality so either change who you are looking for or dont complain about there not being any good guys out there. guys with muscles are trying to compensate for something else.if you want someone to treat you amazing and have a great time with im that guy. most guys want to just get in your pants, where im the guy who wants to get inside your heart and in you soul. im the guy who believes in finding that true love, and that story book ending. i want to build and start a strong and long lasting relationship ,I'm seeking a serious long term relationship Someone special to capture my heart and knows how to handle it with care, one who will cherish me and be willing to share life's greatest joys and sorrows. Someone who's willing to love me unconditionally, whom is kind, sincere, honest, passionate, loyal, sense of humor, loving and wants a lifetime of passion. That one true love should be your world and nothing else should matter ,but being with them. i want to meet the girl of my dreams. i want someone to make so happy and have them make me happy back. I want her to be honest and truthful to me and talk to me about problems and become stronger with each other, so we can grow closer together. i want someone who is like, "this is who i am and this is who I'm going to be years from now", i don't want someone who puts on a act to get me to like them, then changes and shows who they really are. i just want someone who going to be there through the bad and good times. whether i have 1 million dollars or 1 dollar. i may not have a lot of money like some people but i have the heart and thats what matters in the end because money can't buy love or happiness or solve problems or make you happy. my heart and who i am will make you more happy then all the money in the world. love out lasts everything. love is doing what the other person likes to do even if you don't like what they like. just being with them would be all that matters. i don't want a high maintance girl or someone who lets possessions and money take over there life.I'm not rich and probably never will be,but its fine with me cause im happy no matter what. she has to live by the moment. like if its raining go out with me in the rain and dance and not care about getting wet or sick. the moment and memory in itself would last forever. i want someone who wants to make a difference in the world and thinks about other people not just themselves. someone who wants to help the unfortunate and change peoples lives.someone who has the heart of gold and is going to stand by me and be my other half through better or worse. i believe your suppose to meet people at certain times in your life and you just don't know why. it sucks but at the same time its kinda interesting. i believe people can take so many different paths and depending on there path is how there life turns out. anybody can be your true love and your destiny thats why i don't pass up meeting people or going places.if a girl is pretty but is a horrible person on the inside then she is ugly to me. i try and keep the true people in my life cause those are the people who are there for you when you need it. when i meet people i show them who i am and if they aren't interested i wouldn't care because i would want them to like me for who I'am and not for who I'm not and if someone doesn't give me a chance, then they are missing out on someone special who would change there life.whenever i go out i make the day amazing no matter who I'm with and just want to make a girls life amazing. I've been through a lot , but you learn from all of it and become a stronger person and when a relationship ends it means you have that much more love to give someone else. I'm not going to settle for something i don't deserve. there is just to many girls out there that would treat me amazing. you just have to let them come into your life.i just want a girl to make happy and have so many amazing memories and make her laugh 24-7 and have her do the same back. no more fights,drama,cheating,lies or anything else. i just totally believe in fate and that person will just come into your life if you believe,but in order for you to love someone you have to love yourself. You have to win my heart before you can win my soul. Possessions and money are short term happiness but being with the person you love is long term happiness. This is what i think a real relationship is. When you have a problem or a fight you should solve the problem together and become stronger. A relationship takes work but in the end its all worth it. Instead of growing apart you need to grow together, but you have to be willing to communicate, sacrifice and compromise to make it work. All the good memories should overshadow the bad ones. No relationship is perfect and you have to look at the stuff that the person has done for you rather then all the stuff they didn't. If you truly love someone nothing should get in the way and that takes work, strength and heart. Actions speak louder then words and you have to show you care not just say it. Treat that person you love perfect, show them you care and be nice to them, otherwise one day they will be gone.if you see your faults and problems and change them then things get better. its whether you see your problems and faults and change and i'm willing to change and you have faults and problem that you need to work on too and if your willing to change and work on them then you have a great future. A lot of times you don't realize what you lost till you lose it and a relationship isn't a relationship if you hide anything from them, lie to them or cheat on them. Never listen to other people about a relationship, just take advice, and follow your heart. If you truly love someone you will try til the very end to be with them and thats true love otherwise you never did love them because you don't give up on love. When someone stops caring and seeing you, your heart will tell you when to let go, but you have to even if you don't want too and move on and become stronger and that will mean you have that much more love to give to the next person and remember actions speak louder then words. Never let go and follow your heart no matter where that might lead. "Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. " If love proves real and two people are meant to be together nothing can keep them-apart


Honestly, I didn't even try to read past the third word of the second line. It's too goddamn long to bother. Who does he think he is, Dostoevsky?

15 February 2009

Randy looking for your love - 37 (Akron/Canton )

Picture this a man 6'8 Just left the NBA and in Akron looking for love. Well that's not me I'm 6 feet tall 190 pounds all in the right places and looking for that real women that is looking for a good time, next a good friend, and later a great relationship. As you can tell I'm fun but more so I'm fun to be with. Your family and friends will like me be you will love me because I'm easy going and can fit with any crowd. I like going out to dance but I'm also great at just sitting around and having a great chat about current news. Me in one sentence is that I' m loveable squeezable and a whole lot of fun. So If you are alone on a friday night send for me.

I will sent you a photo when you send a photo.

Picture this a gurl just read ur ad and looking for love. Well, that's not me.

For future reference, I hope those posting in Akron won't continue to confuse 'sent' with 'send.' Judging from the postings in Akron and Canton, this seems to be a reoccurring problem. While only one letter is different, there is a great deal of difference between something that has already happened and something that will happen. Please bear this in mind in the future.


12 February 2009

save me - 33


Please save me!!!!
I don't want to be alone!!
Why should I die like this??
Save me??


Saddest Craigslist ad ever?

11 February 2009

Awesomest Awesome Dudes that is also Awesome - 24 (Simsbury)

Hello lady!

Oh, man, I feel so tacky. I can't believe I actually said that. Can you forgive me? I won't blame you if you can't. In fact, feel free to give me swift punches in the arm if you want.

But not my face. ...Not 'cause I'm too pretty to get in hit in the fact but 'cause it would really hurt a lot.

Okay, so I guess I should tell you about myself? Ah, well, let's see. I enjoy things that bring me satisfaction! Such as brownies, playing my guitar (poorly, but not by choice), teaching elementary school kids, nap time, frisbee, jogging early in the morning, sleeping in very late, more nap time, kissing pretty girls, video games, and tea. Oh, and being awesome as hard as I can.

If I had to describe myself, I would say that if Shaggy from Scooby Doo, Fry from Futurama, and JD from Scrubs had a kinky-three man-laden threeway, and somehow they all got pregant with the same baby (maybe they would each carry it for a trimester? Look... I didn't think this through, okay?) then I would be that baby.

Oh, and I'm also brilliant, gorgeous, daring, and adventurous, but... I'm also not very humble, so you probably shouldn't believe me.

I'm kind of open to any kind of lady, so if you're reading this and are as bored as I am, oh, and believe me, I am so very, very bored, then drop me a line! IM me on AIM if you have it, I'm on way too much. My screen name is badgood18.

There're a picture of me below. I hope you don't think I'm a super uggo, but I'll understand if you do. I've gotten 3 or 4 responses that are like 'hey- funny post.' Um, thanks, but that's kind of useless? It would be great if you would, I dunno, identify yourself in any means or way? Also, a picture wouldn't hurt, people.

Hope to hear from you soon! Or not, if you're a stalker.

PS - Don't be a stalker.

PPS - Okay, you can be a stalker, but only if you're crazy-hot. Like drop dead yowzah gorgeous kind of hot.

PPPS - Crap, was that sexist? It was, wasn't it?!? Dammit.

PPPPS - I'm not a sexist!

PPPPPS - Unless you think that thinking women should be barefoot and locked in a kitchen all day to bake pies is sexist. Then I'm sexist as hell!

PPPPPPS - I'm not! that was a lie. I didn't think this through very well.

PPPPPPPS - I'm really bad at thinking things through.

PPPPPPPPS - If you're still reading this, you are clearly my dream girl who will indulge me in all my various levels of insanity. Will you marry me?




Psst, kid - you're trying too hard.

I think this is one of the saddest Craigslist posts I've ever seen.

A Clean Limerick - 57

There once was a man with a thought
To find a good woman he has sought
On a site he put up a posting
That was to include little boasting
To see what responses it brought.

Attractive, SM with good values and many interests

Oh no! More noetry! Many interests? Perhaps the poster should have included them in his post. Instead, he wrote the world's blandest limerick. Whoops!

Ignoble Deviled Egg Inquisitions Green Eggs & Ham Coquette - 29 (Disney)

Are you a muse to Dr. Suess? I need you. I can't coagulate my deviled egg recipe without an indelible spitfire to help me create a counteractant to eliminate adult diaper rash and premature ejaculation. We can cohere on a platonic, quasi erotic or hyper enlightened level for jollity on a sporadic or periodic basis. Actually, I really have no idea what I need. A loutish coquette with mental and emotional balance, an enigmatic disposition and an affinity for getting moist down below at the slightest adumbration of copulation between two animate objects and the olfactory whiff of deviled eggs and pre-smoked ham would be sufficiently jubilant.

I like to matriculate sultry comestible nymphomaniacs. It sounds so delicious that I salivate at the notion of deviously inveigling you while slowing devouring a bucket of chicken. I gravitate towards pretty girls with cyber-sex addictions abstruse to free online forums. I optimistically contemplate the opportunity of making you laugh to the point of wetting yourself in public. Don't let my thralldom to vernacular discharge contradict my desire to obtain deeply spiritual or mutually enlightening relationships with lascivious wanna be gonzo pornstars and diabolic youtube video vixens. All I really ask is that you know how to make green eggs and lick ham. There's no need to tell me about how tired you are of reading ads without feeling the compulsion to rub yourself continuously moist and dumbed with phrenic euphoria.

It's true. I live in the modernist purgatory euphemistically called Chicago. I'm in my late 20's and I'm tall. I have a predilection for wet women. Call me an artist. I like drawing faces of dainty damsels and making them squirt with cachinnation at the exploitation of deviled eggs and the iridescence of processed foods, sex toys and edible clothing. Amenable coquettish quasi-harlots are encouraged to apply within...


It's like someone used a thesaurus, put their post into BabelFish translator, and then whipped out their thesaurus again. Genius?
Bonus points for using the word "phrenic" in a sentence, even if I'm not convinced that he used it correctly intentionally.

05 February 2009

No dummies or Obama supporters - 35 (Baton Rouge)

If you are dumb or voted for obama go screw yourself.


I want a nice and nasty girl who likes to cum so hard she squirts. I have a big one and Viagra, all night long baby, get back. I AM REAL.

I am so relieved that not only does he have a big one, but he has Viagra. THANK GOD. Also: J'aime his all-caps "HOW AM I NOT MYSELF???" declaration at the end.

Drama Driven Relatoinship - 30 (Baton Rouge)

I’m seeking a like-minded woman with whom to share a disastrous 3 to 9 month relationship, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is James. I live in Baton Rouge, I’m 30 years old, fairly well educated, and I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise, and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing, and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the inevitable emotional breakdown of one or the other party - or, if we’re lucky, both!

You should:

be 25 to 35 years old;
have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex within the first minutes of meeting;
have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.
Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

with nice smiles;
who have larger than average breasts;
who are married or already in unstable relationships;
who drink to forget; and
who have had a previous established diagnosis of borderline or dependent personality disorder or bipolar affective disorder - or who are currently taking lithium carbonate, SSRIs, or tricyclic antidepressants.

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best

Ironic Craigslist posts FTW

This man is a dream.

04 February 2009

All l need is you baby cum to me - 29 (Taylor)

Hi, I am Anton and I live in Taylor but from Africa. I'm 5'4 and weight 170. I been in Michigan for about ten years. I looking for her a girlfriend that is kind and understanding and is not out for one thing. I love music and movies, and I'm love Doctor you know what I mean. I am looking for girlfriend that I will give my love, if that's you look me up and Thanks for reading, I hope i will hear from you, have a great day.

I believe that this ad sends mixed messages - he's not interested in girls who are just looking for one thing, and yet the title for this ad appeals to only that select group. Methinks Anton is a wee bit conflicted.

PS "love doctors" never go out of style.

NO WAY! I, Yes I got eliminated in the final round... - 25 (it's almost my Birthday)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

"You have just reached the profile of...

*Insert Dramatic Pause to Enhance the Effect of the Upcomming exaggeration*

...The Sexiest, Funniest, and most Intellectually Stimulating Guy on the planet!"
so only cool people please :)

I am a natural Leader and Motivator, I don't really try to be...I just gravitate to that role amongst my circles of friends. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AND SMILE...(i'm not sure, did I stress that part enough?)

Keeping healthy and in great shape is a very important part of my career, I throroughly enjoy teaching and helping others improve themselves Physically, Mentally, and even Spritually. In teaching others I often end up teaching myself things that I didn't realize I knew, cool sh*teh? ^_^

I prefer to keep active, I enjoy setting goals and working towards them both mentally and physically, it just gives me a great feeling of satisfaction when I accomplished what I set my mind on. I'm always growing and learning about myself.

Vegetarian
Artistic
Creative
Insightful
Athlete
Compasionate
Dreamer
Eternal


About Who I'd like to meet:
I've been with some amazing girls in my life and do not regret meeting any of them and I am most definately looking forward to meeting more great women. I'm looking for a girl who has as much humor and confidence as I do however if you resemble the Yetti or something, it probably wouldn't work out for us....I totally adore chatting with girls about love, life, and philosophical ideas and I have a soft spot for girls that are not only beautiful but have the intelligence to at least carry on a fun conversation!

Now if you're taller than Yao ming or out weigh me...don't message me I'm scared of chicks like that.

Maybe it's because I'm German and Lithuanian I don't know but I'm totally into Northern/ N. Eastern European girls even though I know they are trouble :D

Short girls are just Awesome! I love how I feel like I'm protecting them when I put my arms around them and they just seem to dissapear in my embrace, I usually am attracted to dark hair but every now and then a blonde will surprise me.

OMG...Do you know what's really sexy, a female with a fully functional brain! (please don't be afraid to read the instruction manual pay attention to sections 2.4b - 3.1c on Sense of Humor, Spontenuity, Having fun, Optimism, and Self Respect)

"I do realize that I'm really picky, but I i figgure - Why not? I think I totally deserve somone great, don't you? =) Send me a message! let's Talk!" First DateA moonlight walk to McDonald's for some apple pie and hot chocolate, then anal sex behind the dumpster.

Nah that's more of a 2nd date hehe...serioulsy It really depends on what the person likes, but I think most first dates should be doing something that's fun and slighty active, it kind of takes the nervousness away and limits any awkward silences that can happen if you do the traditional Dinner with someone you don't know very well. If all goes well and there's a good vibe then we've worked up an appetite and have a bit more comfort built up for sitting down and talking over something delicious :)

responses that are intriguing will get a normal pic of me :) sending a picture is a plus...i like to know who i'm talking to...and I'll respond to everyone! haha except Gay guys saying nice abs lol


Sounds like an ideal second/first date to me.

03 February 2009

I bet you are fucking awful ;) ;) - 23 (Chicago)

Really, I bet you're terrible. You have dependency issues, you like bad music, you aren't very funny. You probably have an annoying laugh. I bet you do.

WELL HEY, MOVE ON LOLOLOLOL this ad is only for SILLY GEESE

If you think eight equals equals equals equals a capitol D is hysterical and love making racial humor in the south side ( really, the upside ;) ) then HOLD ON TO YOUR KEYBOARDS! I'm the guy for you.

Look I dont want your A S L, I just want to know if you're ready for a guy who wants to hit it, quit it, admit it, and then remit on it.

s2r (kisses and hugz lol)

Here is a pic for you lovely ladies, PLEASE THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME TO GO AROUND (lol but I'll take two ;) )

(no really I'm a one woman man)

((but I'll take another man ;) )

(wait that's bad news for my anus)

:(

(((I really love music and if you have a ZiP drive we can swap tunez)))

ATTACHED IS A PIC of Collin Firth some say I look like him but then again some say the holocaust happened and we cant really believe them ;)




02 February 2009

Linda w/ Blue Eyes is HOT! - 48 (SE Iowa)

I have seen you on "Hot or Not" and I think you are definetly Hot! But more importantly I think we have a lot of common interests. I love music and think that is important in our life and religion. I would like to have a friend that would enjoy a drive on the California coast. I like to sing. I am a great garden helper (operate tillers, build arches for climbing vines, install watering systems, etc). I enjoy historcal buildings. I enjoy theater and look forward to a trip to NYC someday. I enjoy theater music also. And I love to travel. And there are many more, so I hope we can talk.

Seriously? He saw her on Hot or Not? Is there a space on Hot or Not where one discusses their interests outside of being rated on their physical attractiveness by strangers trolling the internets? I wasn't even aware.