Pluck my back hair - 23 (Logan Square)

So I got sunburnt and noticed that I have an unruly amount of hair on my back as I put aloe vera on it. You should come over and remedy this via tweezer.
So I also am a little horny. You should come over and take care of that, I know you need it too. 5'10, 185 lbs, HWP. Grad student. Into punk, art, good beer, bikes, existentialism (minus the depressive part), urbanism, nerding out, etc.

do ittt



Truly, I love this post. First off, tweezers? If it's really 'unruly,' maybe garden shears are in order. Second, I like how it's essentially a vaguely creative booty call post. Most importantly, as much as I like plucking hair, there is one thing I love more - popping zits. Next time, invite me over to pop your huge back pimples. Maybe I'll take you up on it (spoiler: I will not).

I AM A MILLIONARE WITH A 12 INCH DICK AND A YACHT - 39 (Chicago)

hahaha it got you to click it, you gold digging size queen!!!! If you said give me 12" and make it hurt, I would screw you twice and hit you in the eye.

I am too openminded for most women out there. I been single for a long fucking time already. I am a total sexual perv, enjoy the sleazy side of life.

I am looking for something to develop into a ltr. Someone where it dont take a lot of booze to make her frisky. Someone who might enjoy swing clubs or private get togethers on a saturday night, someone who wants something good for a change...... send a pic and your yahoo messenger lets chat, Im on most of the evening, unless I am not here ;)


So, let me get this straight - you're looking for a gold digging, overly horny woman who's willing to settle for someone with a small penis, who's underemployed and looking to fuck some other woman? Got it.

Steak dinner? With...PBR? - 32 (Logan Square)

Looks like a quiet night on my end. Unless...someone wants to go out for a tasty steak. Someplace low-key that has a decent steak and more than a hew hipsters.

Please be normal, attractive, sarcastic, and brilliant (like me.)



WOW. Normal is not brilliant, just an fyi buddy. Also, no. You sound horrid.

Do you have a pool? - 27 (BR)

Do you? lol I'm off of work sun and mon and would just love to relax by a pool. I figured it could be a good "date" cause we can just hang out and talk and get to know eachother. What ya think?


Hey, is it cool if I shamelessly use you a bit? Oh, and I uh, I totally want to get to know you. In the sun. By your pool. Just me, the sun, the calming water, not a care in the world, and uh, you.

pee queens $$$ for pee$$$ - 29 (baton rouge)

hi,
good looking white male ,d/dd free.

looking for your piss.
i am generous $$$$$$

not looking for any sexual activities.
just a meet and pee type thing
very discreet.
i have pics.
please put "pee b.r "in the subject line
race, age not matter



I.love.this.ad. Especially this part: just a meet and pee type thing / very discreet. That's fucking poetry, people. Thanks, Louisiana.

Can You Meet My Specs? - 66 (NC)

I am looking for a Caucasian, single female, 59 years old. Scorpio preferred.

Required physical attributes will be:

5 feet 8 inches plus or minus 1inch

135 to 140 pounds in weight. Entire body must be in balance.

Larger breasts not considered.

Facial skin must be fair with no blemishes.

No facial hair except eyebrows.

Remainder of body must be fair with no varicose veins or blemishes

No piercings other than 1 on each on ear.

No visible tattoos, and only 1 small, discreet tattoo of good taste.

No large feet, oversized hands or big nose.

Hair can be any color, at least shoulder length.

Must stand erect with no slouching.

Must have all your own original teeth.

Must have blue eyes.

Must bathe thoroughly twice daily, with little or no lingering soap odor.

Personal hygiene is a must.

Must be disease free. If you have had an STD test recently, don't reply. Why? Why did you need the test? <<<<<

Must actively attend gym at least 2 hours/day, 3 times a week. Should be able to bench press your own weight.

Required financial status will be: A yearly income of at least $65,000. Own your own home with a 3 car garage, (paid for, no mortgage) on 5 acres or more. Any stocks and bonds are a plus and will be yours alone. No credit card debts. No credit cards.

Must own at least 2 cars less that 2 years old

Required abilities: Must be able to grow food from your own garden, freeze/store them.

Be able to shop for groceries alone, bring them home, and cook. WELL!

Prepare meals from "scratch", all 3 course, breakfast, lunch, and supper/dinner. (On time, daily)

Must be able to bathe, trim, and groom my dogs, as well as feed them timely meals.

Wash and wax automobile(s)

Take care of the laundry situation, folding and putting my things where they belong.

Casual requirements:

Make yourself available to me when I deem it, with no inhibitions.

Bring refreshments, etc. when I ask. You must live within walking distance of my home

Be able to tolerate a smoking, drinking, demanding, son of a bitch like me.



Well, Mr.66-year-old male presenting absolutely no personal information about yourself, you are a hard man to please. Points for honesty, or at least being self-aware enough to know that you are a 'demanding son of a bitch.' I think admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery, so this would be super great if you were admitting it's a problem, which you're not.

Careful What You Wish For.. - 24 (NE Ohio) b

One major flaw with CL personals is that people try to 'sell' themselves to members of the opposite sex just like when they try to sell their 89 Accord LXI Wagon to Johnny No Car in the Auto section. They always claim that the body is in great shape,under the hood is nothing but muscle, and the only thing that looks better is the stain free interior. They have only been around the block with a couple of people their whole life and that the only thing they need is a quick servicing to be top shape. All this sounds go great untill you show up and realize that they only took pictures from the good angle..like 10 years ago. Of course you look underneath and see nothing but rust and lies and you move on to the next,probably not even learning your lesson or even worse you actually buy this thing and after only a few weeks it wont even turn over and ends up just sucking all your money out of your pocket.Another Craigslist success story.

Well people, ive bought alot of cars of craigslist; most of which seemed like they were too good to be true, and they turned out to be just that.The people that i bought those things from were not selling a car but the idea of HAVING a car, which i fell for time and time again.I didnt get a good one till i really knew what i was looking for.So thats why im not going to make one more CL personal trying to sell the idea of a relationship to some unsuspecting woman. Hell, im not going to make a personal at all. If you want to talk about this or anything else for that matter e mail me, i love good conversation.Who knows.. if your lucky you may even be able to drive a new future off the lot today!

So, you're not going to write a Craigslist personal ad? Weird, but that is sort of what this looks like. Also, YOU POSTED AN AD ON CRAIGSLIST PERSONALS. Whoops! Did you not mean to? Did your rant get away from you? Did you change your mind while you were furiously typing before you hit 'submit'? Maybe you mean you are trying to sell your car and you accidentally posted this to the personals section instead of the buy section?

tired of being a lonely football star - 27 (baton rouge)

well im tired of users and cheaters and liars so i thought id give this a try i play semi pro football with try outs for pro this year woohoo lol well i love hunting fishing camping 4 wheeling on the 4 wheelers and in the trucks im 6"4 brown hair green eyes well built and tattoos if your interested email me with a pic and type red in the subject line so i no its not spam i have pics to send in return



So, who wants to email him to let him know that you aren't a football star if you're 27 and you play semi-pro? I don't have a PhD in football, so I could be wrong. I guess I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt this time.
Unrelated: red means stop, so putting it in the subject seems a little off-putting. Just saying.
Most importantly, the poster actually typed "woohoo lol well," read it (probably), and posted it anyway. FAIL.

wanted: two ladies for tent adventures - 46 (Baton Rouge)

i'm looking for two incompetent young women who would like to spend a night with me in a tent. nothing sexual need occur. please do not bring anything loud. serious replies only. if you have ANY clown paraphernalia PLEASE leave it at home. bringing ANYTHING related to clowns to our meeting will be viewed as ASSAULT! also, i prefer that you do not tell me your name, as i will be giving you a Cherokee name.

if interested, email me back, but do NOT send me a picture. i want it to be a surprise when my son first sees you. if you are addressed at ANY POINT as "justin beiber", please play along.



Best Craigslist ad ever? Maybe. I want it to be real so badly. Cherokee name? BRILLIANT. Just call me "Adsila" and I will be your cherry blossom, at least until you call me Justin Bieber.

Looking For Jewish FWB - 34 (chicago,skokie,lincolnwood,evanston)

Title says it all
you must be d/d free, non smoker, hygenic, non neurotic Jap
athletic/fit/slim
high libido
ability to host
send pic and description
no game players

me
member of tribe, athletic, clean, erotic, professional, handsome, passionate



"Member of tribe?" Which tribe? Judah? Gad? Reuben? Naphtal? All I'm saying is I think it's odd that this is so important to you but you're so non-specific. Thanks for letting the JAPs out there know you're erotic, at least. It's the little things in life.

Special Husband?!

A reader writes (omg, husband-seekers, we have readers): In January of last year you published a Craigslist ad entitled email/coffee/kisses/sex/ltr/marriage/babies/death/reincarnation/email. I happen to know, unfortunately quite well, the person behind this ad, a textbook psychopath who has over the years caused tremendous emotional and financial damage to family, friends, and perfect strangers, not to mention lonely women. His plan is simple: assess the victims, exploit them till there's nothing left to take, and then abandon them - often overnight. While it is not possible to stop this kind of predator from destroying the lives of those who get ensnared by their sometimes exquisitely set up traps, I believe we have the duty to do what we can. So, I thought I'd forward to you the most recent of this man's ads, which, while brilliantly written (exquisite verbosity is often one of the psychopath's weapons), can be toxic to vulnerable women. Perhaps you'd like to publish it in your blog using the same header as to expose this man whenever he runs it in various parts of the world. Thank God for Google, that great equalizing force against previously secret creeps who thought they could escape detection. The Craigslist link is shown at the end of the ad, most recently published in London and Mannhattan. So, here it is:

the irreverently infrangible seeks the fungible for free trip to Bali
Date: 2010-01-25, 7:48PM

...willing to consider sharing my collection of vintage pre-60s Pez dispensers and post post-70s 8-track tapes with a ridiculously creative (perhaps carve reeds out of root vegetables, makes bricks without straw, chalk realist portraits on sidewalks and Turner skies on brick walls, play a lute or dulcimer...really, really well, bind beautiful hardbacks and strip homemade fettuccine or stop-motion animate your own flip books at 4 o’clock in the morning), ridiculously interesting (maybe you forged a greyhound bus pass and traveled the U.S.A. for 18 months, Magic Bussed the hippie trail from Istambul to India or have considered converting your vintage Vespa to vegetable based fuel), brilliantly (albeit not geekily nor socially ineptly so) odd (the dictionary on a party night fascinates, others marvel at your willingness to don costumes in public, your prosthetic limb collection supersedes all others or you have a photographic memory for all things reptilian), has her shit and shinola together with her mallards in a row (no hard drugs, no chronic depression, no ‘bad’ drunks and hopefully ‘lithium’ remains just a periodic element and not a prescription), fabulously beautiful, sinfully fabulous, head-turning (not in the Exorcist fashion), irrepressible child/girl/woman/goddess who is a self-confessed whore in the kitchen and a closet gourmet in the bedroom
as for you, o so lovely you for who I have waited an eternity and a half, please be a variation on the theme of slender/athletic/fit/toned female, and when you say curvy, please mean curvy in the right places as opposed to Rubenesque with a booty big enough to warrant its own zipcode or possess a gravitational field that makes a game of 8-ball a graphic lesson in Ptolemaic astronomy, please be jaded but not a hue of cynical green, please spend less than 1/8 of your life on a fucking cell phone, please know how to make more than reservations for dinner, know the wealth of a person has little to do with his income, please retain the vestiges of childlike curiosity without tying cans to dog’s tails or throwing tantrums, please be a muse and at once amused by my musings, please enjoy good poetry and equate bad poetry with a long checkout line at Whole Paycheck, please know at least 18 slang words for sex, please don't smoke (near me at least), please know how to spell definitely and know your (ass) from you’re (elbow macaroni), please be scruffily feminine and an elegant tomboy, please be indescribably unique, please be affectionate but less clingy than saran wrap, please be visibly happy (at least most of the time) and irreverent and exceedingly considerate, please be within an age range an overgrown kid like me might consider apropos LTR material (i.e. lie between jail-bait and 39 ˝), please be without kids and capable of suppressing the krakatoic rumblings of your womb, please be spiritual without believing in organized religion and anthropomorphic supernal beings unless they’re made of spaghetti and a dripping of virgin olive oil, please have bothered to read this entire ramble, the perusin’ of which you will not have considered a chore, and please know the sexiest and most erotic thing about any man is his big fucking brain, and please please me, o yeah, like I please you
~ lastly and leastly, please do not ask me to become a Jehovah’s witness -- I wasn’t even near the fucking accident ~
a bit more about meself, I'm sort of amazing (confidence not ego), world traveler (94 countries not Google Earth), super-smart (books scribbled + off the chart scores) and have a lightning wit (rocket not flash). I get the attention of a room when I walk in. I have no idea why folks are so afraid of automatic weapons. The safety is on. So, I'm more than a bit anomalous, but I assure you there's method to my madness like the flight of bees or a woman at a sample sale. I have an associational logic that instantly references philosophy, literature, music, art, pop culture and kitsch -- without Google. Spock would’ve approved my logic which, like the Vulcan moon,Trayf, is at once elliptical and eccentric echoing the tides of the mercurial human heart. What else? I love the filtration prior to intimacy and the deep philosophical discussions that follow (for example: 'why isn't there something instead of nothing -- in my wallet?'; and, 'where do all these fucking Chinese takeout menus come from?' I'm a rara avis that has migrated, due to the encroaching climate velocity, to my preferred habitat, Bali, where I live part of the year. I have a beautiful villa there with views of terraced rice fields and volcanoes. On a clear day you can even see the bill collectors wielding machetes. Come on over y'all and bring some pie -- or gefilte fish. If I'm the witty hipster you've been holding out for, gimme a holler. Or, pass me over for that square jawed, 6-packed ass clown with the pea brain who believes wrestling is real. What the world needs now are more pea brained children wraslin' in front of their TVs who grow up to be gas station attendants or, God forbid, work for CLP. Sure, I love Life on Mars just like anybody else, but, trust me, never call those buggers in an emergency. Call me. I'm your go to guy.
Hope you appreciated the rant. If you didn't just know I’ve got a loaded weapon – it’s called a brain and mine doesn't shoot blanks
ladies, don’t forget to reveal your age, your pix and 13 reasons why I will never tire of you to earn beloved brownie points and a paid subscription to Utne Reader (which rhymes with chutney feeder); your willingness to hop on a plane with me to Bali (my treat, of course) in the next 30-60 days (enough time to reduce your prized possessions to the confines of a backpack and live out your security deposit) will also soar your missive to the top of my heart's inbox

Location: where parallel lines meet



We may all be assholes judging people who we don't know on the internet, but let us bear in the following in mind: we judge because these people are intolerable.

Better off calling that number in the toilet stall - 18 (HBG)

Me

18 years old
210 lbs, 6'0, brown hair and eyes
Loves music and playing guitar
Is always inquisitive and into something
Intelligent, Creative, and Humorous
Arrogant, Stubborn, and Driven

You

Around 18
Does not weigh more than i do
Has musical taste beyond Lady Gaga, etc.
Has their sanity
Can have an intelligent discussion
Is not infatuated with the topic of drugs, alcohol, etc.

In addition :

Does not engage in heavy drug or alcohol use (Nymphomaniacs are quite okay however)
Does not have kids, is in a relationship already, etc
Does not have any STD's that your not going to elaborate on till afterwards.

You get the point.

Craigslist is a great tool, but i've had some odd experiences with it, especially with finding and talking to people.
I acknowledge that by making requirements more strict, i shut the door on some possibilities
I think this is for the best.

*I dont care who sends a pic first*
*If you are real, put the name of your favorite band in the subject line*

Thanks


FACT: There is nothing beyond Lady GaGa. You would know this if you were not 18. Good luck finding the elusive 18-year-old STD-free nymphomaniac. There are about 1,928,734,203 people looking for one of those. Lucky for you, I am pretty sure that if there are any 18-year-old STD-free nymphos in Harrisburg they're all on the internet.

Tongue massage in exchange for roses.

Would you like to be massaged all over with my tongue and hands? Please send a pic and some information.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you are offering roses, not asking for them. Unfortunately, I think your ad implies that you fall in the latter category. See, you've said that one will be exchanged for the other, and that you are willing to provide the first, so...I'm pretty sure you're just looking for roses. I'm not necessarily judging that, I just think you don't realize that you're an idiot.

Are You a SEXY RETARD or Have Developmental Issues?? - 34 (Suburbs)

Hi,

I am not retarded nor dumb and stupid like a retard; I actually graduated from college with honors and distinction. I have never dated anyone mentally challenged but woke up today and thought to myself, as long as she looks good, who cares what her cognitive thinking abilities are? Women should be seen not heard, right? If you have a thin slender body, firm breasts, and a tight ass I don't care what your IQ is. As a matter of fact the dumber you are the more turned on I will be.

I am after a woman that looks good and will let me have my way with her, someone that will not question me if I come home at 3:30 in the morning with lipstick on my collar. If you have a little palsy in you, you get bonus points. I suppose my only hang up is you can't be a drooler; I have to draw the line somewhere. If you are intrigued, write I AM YOUR RETARD in the subject line and send me your pic. If I think you have the "goods" I will respond with my pic.



Hi,

FYI: you aren't even close to funny enough to be as offensive as Sarah Silverman and get away with it. You are a pretty shitty human being. Thanks for letting us all know on the internet. Apparently, you are 34 years old, which I'm pretty sure means you should grow the fuck up.

PS: Meet your boyfriend.

Wow guys. I think Husband? just came full circle jerk.

Short guy seeking short girl. There I said it. - 32 (Bucktown)

Outside of height, which isn't all the important, I'm an educated, indepent, small business owner who likes to heads to the gym regulary, reads, goes to movies, and loves to eat and drink well. I'd love to find a very cool, smart, and most importantly fun person to spend my time with.

Maybe I'm foolish for posting this on craigs list but I don't have much to lose. I am on the shorter side for a guy at 5'8" and find that I am attracted to and attracting women around my height or shorter. It's more a disclaimer about myself than anything else. For some people it's just an issue.

Hope to hear from you.



Dude, just buy a pair of boots with a slight heel and stfu. You're not even that short. Get over it. Insecurity is unattractive, and frankly, you're annoying me.