31 May 2009

Blood, tonails, hair, and all else still lacking (Mid-City)

I had written a proper response for your kind message. And I have one more thing for you

I wanted to tell you the intelligence
attains the grand summation of
molecular motion at absolute zero.

You're lone response cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel nor that of the spammers on their tired tirade, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.

I hope that I remind you of the shrouded enigma of an important postage never sent.
Your response in any form again would bring me a dashingly colored toupee that would twist around my right shoe into a state of ennui with the speed and dexterity of many lemon meringue-coated conquistadors.

I hope to hear back from you.
xo



What the fuck? It sounds like someone replaced a bunch of words using a thesaurus after sprinkling World of Warcraft references into a high school science textbook.

HOT.

If you don't read this you're dumb - 25 (Wessstsiiiiiide(Alb))

I like Taco Bell, Fruit Loops, and pickle juice. Seriously I'm not expecting to find the love of my life through this although it would be great, I just wanna make at least one good friend. Just someone to spend time with doing anything. I love the outdoors, camping and traveling but have a good time going out for some drinks or going to a movie or concert. I smoke grips of pot so hopefully you do to, but if not that's cool. I'm a nerd with a big heart that's really fragile, I have lots of love to give and need ways to express it. If you're worried about some difference between us don't be and just drop me a line. I'm posting this with no picture, cause if you're really interested my average looks, and furious passion will satisfy you.

Likes Taco Bell? Check.
Likes Fruit Loops? Check.
Drinks pickle juice? Check.
Average looks? Check.
Pothead with a fragile heart? Check.

Husband?

5000 Reasons to Marry me this Monday!!! - 37 (South)

5000 Rea$ons to Marry me this Monday!!Well? Why the hell not??!!?? If you are reading this then you are curious. I am white. I am attractive. And I'm looking for a highly sexual wife!! I'm sick of the bars. Not hunting for you in church! Not stalking you at the grocery store by snooping in your basket to figure if you are attached or not. Don't get me wrong, I do get women that are attracted to me. I do know how to communicate. I am a guy who showers most days.....ok, ok, ok.....evryday!! I own a full set of teeth..all mine! I have most of my hair....and yes on my head, not my back!!! I don't have a wonderful porn star moustache.....those 80's guys are so lost!! I am a home owner........a damn nice one at that! I have been married before....for a long stretch. I am a daddy......lol....ok, well a father as i'm told. I am not lonely....I have too many friends sometimes. I am just gonna buy / rent / mortgage / pay a loan on a new wife!
Now, heres what i'm looking for..........
I don't want any smokers....what's that you say?? But i'm trying to quit! Well good luck to you!! I don't want any drug users!! Well, now that only 3 lucky ladies are left!! I want someone that's not too tall, i'm thinking 5'6 or under. Not 7 foot ladies...sorry.make doggy style too hard!!!......kidding!!!.....I own a stool!!!.....lol. Anyhow? I want a woman that does her nails, has fabulous hair, dresses for any occassion and wears it well. I expect you to be smart, college does not make you smart!! I want you to be in shape ....and yes big fat and round is a shape, it's not the shape i'm looking for! Listen, I seriously get attractive 18 to 25 year old ladies all the time. I am just sick of all the sex and no one there in the morning?!? God? Am I a man whore? Well, I admit I am! But I am sick of this shit! I wanna provide a home and family for a good relationship base. I am not opposed tp having more children. I am not opposed to moving if it makes you happy. I am not opposed to bisexual women!! oops!! My mind is wandering again...lol. Anyhow, wanna meet a funny guy with a crazy background? I am YOUR guy. Drop me a line. Be nice? Be mean? Just be real!!


One - a lot of these are not reasons.
Two - "I'm white" is a reason? FAIL.

30 May 2009

Don't worry, you're vagina is safe from me...for now;-)

At ease ladies. i know that you all think guys just want the booty (and we do) but all I'm looking for is someone to go to the movies with me so I don't keep looking like a freakin' square trying to watch movies like Wolverine by myself. i mean, damned, i'm a grown ass man, why am I watching kiddie movies...gotta put that one to the therapist. Anyway, in true CL fashion, I'll list the do's and don't below when responding to this fodder....

Do:

Have a sense of humor
Be willing to talk shit during the movie if it sucks
Let me pay for it since I pretend to be a gentleman sometimes
Wear something that's neither for church nor a fashion show
Be willing to stop at a porn store afterwards so that I can return some videos (something I find my self doing too often)


Don't:
Be a man (I will kick your hairy ass)
Be giant. I love tall women, I love short women, I don't love women who look like one of the Klumps
Be pretentious. If you want to see some crap like the Travelling Pants, I will vomit on yours.
Ask me if I still have all my teeth just because I'm a fighter. yes, I have them all...and never had a cavity either;-)
Spray me with mace if I try to hug you after the movie. It would be a friendly, genitalia apart type hug anyway.

That is all. Oh, and the thing about the fatties need not apply...I only say this because I don't want to have to pay for three seats...LOL!!! Ok, ok, I'm a dick;-)


FYI, anyone who wants to watch the 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' probably isn't too pretentious.
PS - is 'Wolverine' a kiddie movie? Maybe he means 'Up.'

06 May 2009

Looking for "Her"..... - 20 (hudsonville)

Hey Ladies,

I guess in short I'm not looking for anything concrete right now, but who knows if your the right girl it might happen. My name is Mike. I'm nothing special, nothing hott or sexy, so if your looking for eye candy, I'm definitely not it. Love is a hard thing to find, its something everyone dreams of, but sometimes never comes true. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, love poetry, and just talking about stuff. I'm just looking for a close friend, and maybe more. I don't need sex or anything like that. Its so degrading sometimes. A good friendship is what I'm looking for. If your interested or want to know more, hit me up. Remember I'm nothing special, but I've learned that you should love who a person is rather than what they are. Hope to hear from you. Thanks!

Mike


I want to give this guy a big hug. I don't think that is too degrading.

Naughty and nice - 62 (Rockford)

White male, married, 62, seeks the company of older female companion. Prefer women 76+. Married.

What a horndog of an old man! I am concerned that he might have poor intentions.

04 May 2009

Penis monster looking to fall in love with a vagina monster. - 26 (Grand rapids)




Labia monsters, clitoris monsters, and boobie monsters are also acceptable alternatives. I don't discriminate.

I'm looking for a warm loving monster to snuggle up on the couch with, hold hands and watch a movie. I want to walk around in the parks with my arm around a waist and maybe a head on my shoulder? This is presuming I'm taller. There is so much good stuff to do. I could ramble on and on.

I'd like a lady with serious long term intentions in her head. I want a woman who is generous with her love, not that I want to be smothered, but I want it to hang thick in the air. Mmmhmmm. Smell that love.

There are many things about this ad that worry me. I think this man's age troubles me the most. I hope to god that he was drunk when he posted this.

need somthing ?? (alll over )

Missing something?
Feel you really need a Guy to make you happy?
I know I felt I needed a Girl to make me happy!

Then I found out.
All you need is Christ.
Jesus is the answer to sadness, and hope for a good future
Put your trust in Him first and He will deliver you your “prince” in the midst of the storm.




The lack of quotations around storm leads me to believe that the Weather Girls are clairvoyant. It also made me wonder how many women were delivered "princes" during Hurricane Katrina? What too soon?

NEED LOVE IN MY LIFE - 35 (GR OUT SKIRTS)







What can i say here that will make you want to know me .
Well i am over weight .
Long hair.
one tat.
one kid.
smoke drink.
I am nice , good karma .
average size dick , sorry no anaconda here . . .
Not even shur if it still works !
Funny at times , but not always to others .
self employed .
ok wanna no more ask
i hope to here from you soon .



I have no desire to know him. Although, I would like to know the reasoning behind the Mickey Mouse Boobs.



Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow. - 26 (grand rapids)

Dear female gender,

One of you is going to fall in love with me.
I'll make it easy by being nice to you!! And by reciprocating that love.
We will even hold hands and talk to each other about silly stuff like how our day went.
One day you will wake up in the morning and look at me all cute sleeping away and you're going to fantasize about having my babies. If we are lucky there will be a few such strategic accidents.

Sincerely,

Captain Amazing



Dear Captain Amazing,

I truly doubt that I would fall in love with you based upon this ad alone. For some reason, you are confusing general human decency with seduction. I am positive that I would not fantasize about having little Officer Amazings with you. If something as awful as insemination occurred, I would have a different type of "strategic accident."

Regards,

Admiral Uninterested

My virgin ears are burning. I can hear my neighbors having copulation - 27 (GR)

Preface:
I've done some thinking and I'm pretty sure that living happily ever after [1] requires a wife. Maybe this is a case of the "grass is greener" syndrome? Or maybe it was the upbringing. Also I have analyzed my coworkers and regardless of age all the married ones do seem to be much happier. Some of the single ones are quite the example of human frailty (seizures...) and why we all need somebody to lean on sometimes.

Therefore I've decided that my own personal woman would be not only romantic but practical. So I'm looking for a serious minded lady.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like I'm in any particular rush. Cuz I aint.


About Me:
I went to college and got a bachelors in electrical engineering. I've been working at a grownup job for 4 and a half years now.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [2]
I like good food: I will never eat at McDonalds.
I'm a tad geeky. I only watch tv in dvd format and I play a decent amount of video games.
Sports: I like watching Hockey, F1 racing, and fast forwarding through nascar. I only watch sports with others.
Five feet and 11 inches.


About you:
18 to 21: Workable but I'd feel like a cradle robber.
22 to 28: This is prime.
Over 28: Your biological clock concerns me. [3]
Educated or getting educated.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [4]
Warm and mature.
Height to weight proportionate.
Classy.


Finale:
Per the usual, your pic gets mine blah blah blah.
Just to prove that you aren't spam please mention angular momentum.[5]


Foot notes:
[1] Or rather the closest approximation of "happily ever after" that is humanly achievable by flawed (but mature and devoted) individuals.
[2] Use your imagination.
[3] Sorry.
[4] I know what I want and I want it now. I want you. Cause I'm Mr. Vain.
[5] I changed my mind. please mention 2nd Kings Chapter 2 verses 23-25.



What I have learned from this post:
1) To live happily ever after, I need a husband.
2) Because I am single, I will have seizures.
3) Married people are happier because they do not have seizures.
4) A man should own me because it is both romantic and practical.
5) McDonald's does not serve good food. (Giant diet cokes anyone??)
6) Cradle robbing occurs until age 21 and one has an until age 28 before her biological clock is concerning. I have very little time!
7) II Kings 2: 23-24- "Some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!' And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.
" PRICELESS




Romantic Dominance and Submission - 27 (GR)


very simply I'd like to meet someone who wants to:
be courted with intentions
become a bride
become a wifey
become convenient ;)
become a follower
become a mother

?

Really, is a winky face the most appropriate emoticon?

03 May 2009

Please tell me what you think of my looks

I'm kind of shy and I would like to know what you think of the way I look (Like would you date a guy like me)If you would like to know me please send me a note and your picture Iwill respond back Thanks and have a great week Grant


Dear Grant,

Please stop fishing for compliments. Newsflash: it's unattractive.
So, to answer your question: not so hot.

Warm Regards,
a member of the concerned public