29 August 2008

seeking perfection? - 55 (diamondhead)

then look elsewhere.swm looking for ltr with a 25-50 female,without children.For homelife,travel,outdoor activities.I'm stable with a great credit score,secure future,own home.You should be similar.Warm,easy going,fun to be with.Not a nfl couch potato or a nascar nut.Non-religious,Get in touch and we'll get the fun ball rolling.

Golden Shower - 38 (Baton Rouge)

Lookin for a Cute Babe 18-Early40s who will be my Mistress and I will be your SLAVE!!!! I Want to taste your Golden Nectar!!! i want U to Pee all over my Face and Hair Chest!!!! Let Me Know!!!



WORTH NOTING: This poster actually posted pictures of someone else peeing into some middle-aged man's (who I suppose could be - but likely isn't - his) mouth. Classy!

I'm kind of a douche bag - 29 (tulsa)

Hello,

I have been described as emotionally unavailable, heartless and kind of a douche bag. In the evenings I get a little gassy but it usually doesn't last too long. My hobbies include talking about how awesome I am as well as updating my myspace profile. If you like what you hear... and I think you do... drop me a line (photo por favor) and we can talk about me for a while.

I'm the one in the middle

Ever wanted a man you can kick? - 27 (Brunswick, GA)

Weird request... i'm a 27 year old guy in Brunswick. I'm looking for a girl - or a girl and her friends - to kick me in my crotch, as HARD as you can. Over and over. Make me hurt. Show me what a poor excuse for a man I am. (And trust me, if you saw what was in my pants, you'd laugh and WANT to kick it).

No strings attached, I'll even take you shopping. Anybody up for it?

Sanguinarian (Grand Rapids)

Do you know what that is?

I'm normal. I have a normal life, a normal career, I look pretty normal too.

I just have a little taste that I haven't been able to indulge in years. indulgence

Discretion is the key. And safety of course. If you are willing to give of yourself, then I would be most appreciative. I have nothing much to offer, other than perhaps a nice dinner before or afterwards. I am not looking for or offering anything even remotely sexual here. I am not a sadist or a masochist either.

I expect no responses, but a man can dream. This is not a joke. I'm hungry.

26 August 2008

gamer chick - 24 (Grand Rapids)

just looking for a gamming chick wheter its console or computer thats hot. if u play wow u win my heart but over all i think chicks that play games are hot send me a pic of urself and send me a message if ur interested. im mexi-CAN im 24 and a gamer. i also like going out and doing seeing a movie going to diff places but over all gaming is were its at. if ur interested send me a line peace.

loser seeking an attractive female - 49

Hi. I'm a handsome married white male with financial problems and no sex life. I'm looking for an attractive lady friend to help out with the latter!

Looking For My Black Queen To Complete Me - 37 (Pensacola/Mobile)

Well my perfect match would have to be someone whom I felt a connection with mentally emotionally and physically. She would be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets so to speak someone who would not be afraid to tell me her true feelings no matter how the outcome may seem honesty is always the best route. My perfect match would not mind doors opened for her getting flowers and little gifts she would not take it as a sign of me trying to buy her but yet merely me trying to spoil her and treat her like a queen. It would not be the amount of money i spent but the quality of time she would know that a true diva commands attention and never asks for it. My match would be someone I could express myself fully and not feel i ever needed to switch things up because of the way things sounded or may ultimately come out. She would understand that a relationship is built on 99% communication and the rest will fall in place she would understand that I am human and make mistakes she would help me learn from them and pick me up when ever I fell down. My soul mate would understand that god comes first her second and me last she would know that the foundation of our happiness would be built on a structure of love and trust a mere branch from the tree of eternal fulfillment. My Queen would know just from the look in my eyes how much I loved and appreciated her without one touch one word one sound. My Queen would have a mutual respect and trust that i would return. I know I am wishing on a star craigslist is a different method than I am used to it certainly is new to me I am new to this whole internet dating seen I have tried other mediums and well this seemed more professional and ethical than those sites. I really have no limitations for my Queen or qualifications the things I stated earlier are just ideas and traits I would certainly like those attributes but they are not required I just want someone who wants to be loved as much as I want to love them.

Put The Fun In Dysfunctional !! (What's your diagnoses) ? (At The Bar)

I am a well-adjusted, professional male. I am honest, stable, loving, generous and kind. I am physically fit and considered attractive. I enjoy travel, fine dining and outdoor activities. And, alas, I am newly single.

Usually at this juncture I would hit the singles bars, cruise ships and night clubs, spending a small fortune on travel, drinks and dinners looking for the next Ms. Right, just to end up with another disordered (yet attractive) woman who would eventually make me miserable.

So this time I thought I would narrow the search and try here. Why waste time. I am looking for that "special" Lady to turn my world upside down.

Although I have found that women with Cluster C personality traits (anxious, fearful and dependent) can cause a lot of emotional damage, they are not near as much fun to be with, or cause as much pain, and anguish, as those who suffer from the dramatic, erratic disorders. Lets face it! Emotional dysregulation without impulsive, deceitful, confusing and hurtful behavior is boring.

I seem to be attracted to the Cluster B personality disordered (Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic, Antisocial). Those very attractive, manipulative, selfish and seductive women, who can seem so normal (at first) on the surface, with very nice fake boobs, and with fake, shallow, personalities to match.

You can get extra points if your level of self centered narcissism puts you in the category of the Sociopath / Psychopath (Antisocial). If you can lie, cheat, manipulate, and exploit others in a relationship with impunity to get what ever it is you want, lack empathy and a mature conscience, and feel no guilt or remorse for all of the emotional pain and suffering you cause; You may be the one for me.

My perfect "soul mate" will be older, between the ages of 30 and 50 because self centered, impulsive and inconsistent behavior in teens and very young adults can be normal. (You may actually grow up, and then where would we be?)

You should have a history of many, many short-term marriages, affairs and relationships that ended horribly and involved infidelity, exploitation and deceit (on your part). If your ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends and others wont speak to you, yet you always seem to have a few Fuck Buddies hanging around just in case, that would be a plus!!

You should already have a nice set of fake boobs. If you are not attractive enough or devious enough to have gotten some other sap to buy them for you by now, nor narcissistic enough to have bought them your self by now, you probably are not disordered enough for me.

I have already bought all the boobs I am going to buy. However; cars, trips, houses and jewelry are still on the table.

You should have mind boggling mood swings, narcissistic rages, and be prone to having impulsive sexual affairs with strangers, the handyman, coworkers etc: because it makes you "feel good" or better yet; to get something you "need".

Other traits that will endear me to you include, but are not limited to:

)You actually have a diagnosis of a Cluster B personality disorder(This is rare. Not the disorder, just the diagnosis is rare).
)You have been told you suffer from: Bi-Polar Disorder or Depression (You may, but those are the least of your problems).
)You have attempted, or threatened suicide at some point.
)You walked out of therapy in anger.
)You have never been to therapy, but former partners often seek therapy to deal with the emotional damage you do to them.
)You will not take any meds prescribed by your psychiatrist.
)You view sex as a weapon to be used for reward and/or punishment.
)You think you are normal, and everyone else is just like you, but better at hiding it.

Ladies, if you think you have what it takes, please respond. After all; It's all about YOU anyway! It won’t last long; We may as well have some fun!!

Your Pic gets mine.

Masturbators Anonymous: Step 1 meet this guy

it's okay... say it... my name is ________, and i'm addicted to the rabbit. :)

while sex & the city has proven to be one of the best shows in the 20th century, it has also introduced the next replacement for handsome men everywhere - the rabbit. now, if you're addicted to the rabbit, it's OKAY! i'm here to tell you, you CAN do better. lol. i'm a good guy, athletic, ambitious, etc... in the city - wouldn't you rather feel the warmth of a long, silky tongue and soft lips, along with skilled fingers to massage you, then a battery operated piece of plastic that has no sense of humor or adventure?

5 Things - 26

I am going to do this a little different.

5 things about me...
No tattoos, no piercing.
I have a degree.
I enjoy the gym.
I love to travel.
I like Bill Oreilly.

5 deal breakers...
If you smoke.
If you are a couch potato.
If you enjoy drama.
If you cannot carry on a conversation.
If you have kids already.

A test for the ladies...

Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.


Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my best friend and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.


Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.


Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.


Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.


Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full). R.

25 August 2008

Future Exgirlfriend Contest - 36 (macon)

You have been invited to compete to win the prestigious title of "My Ex-girlfriend". Rules for entry are simple:

1. Must be a first-time applicant. You are not eligible to compete if you have previously entered the contest regardless of the outcome. If you have previously won "My Ex-girlfriend" contest, give me back my Nirvana CD!
2. Applicants must be between 27 and 42.
3. Criminal background due to white-collar crime is not an automatic disqualifier.
4. Psychological background including but not limited to schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, panic attacks, dementia, attention deficit, hypochondria, oedipus complex, and unresolved childhood issues are automatic disqualifiers.

As the next winner of "My Ex-girlfriend" contest, I will accompany you to unlimited number of breakfasts, lunches and/or dinners and amuse you with interesting conversation. You will also be entitled to have beer, wine, cocktails at various bars and drive both of our drunkasses home. As a winner, you will be able to freely rent any movies with my Netflix account as long as you watch it with me. Final perk of the coveted title is the bragging rights you'll earn of dating this SWM. Yes, dating me will make you look hip, cool, stylish, and a bit rebel-ish.

The contest is open only for a limited time and rules and regulations may change anytime at my sole discretion. Friends and families of previous "My Ex-girlfriend" winners are not eligible to enter. Please include your picture to start the process. Thanks and have a good day