Free condoms (Warning these may or may not be cursed) LOL - 33 (olmsted)

YES I KNOW THIS IS IN THE WRONG SPOT BUT PLEASE DON'T FLAG ME TILL YOU READ FURTHER AND SEE THAT THIS IS INDEED THE BEST SPOT FOR ME TO ADVERTISE THESE! I HAVE NOT HAD ANY LUCK POSTING THEM ELSEWHERE (HENCE THE REVISIONS AT THE BOTTOM)


So I am single again ... well for almost 4 months now. I wasn't dating in the beginning, and was really enjoying being by myself. The independence was great. I could get away with not making my bed in the morning,go to work(must admit being allowed to work without accusations of imaginary whores has been my favorite) leaving the toilet seat up, leaving the bathroom counter a little wet, you know, the things...and it was all fun. And I really wasn't interested in getting into the whole dating scene again. Never was a bar/club player ever anyways.

But then the loneliness started getting to me. I missed being intimate with a woman, the touch, the laughs, the showers, the arguments, the sex after the arguments, you know, the whole thing. So I started dating again.....yes through the Internet...yes on craigslist! So I posted a couple ads, not knowing what to expect, and replied to quite a few, again not quite sure what will come of it. And boy was I in for a surprise?

The first week: Nothing! Zilch! Zero! Other than those same 5 to 6 women who's husband's or B/F's are away and they can host if I go to their chat site (Ladies you don't need to tell me it's free I wanted my own G/f not borrow someone else's) I posted a simple ad saying I am single, reasonably good looking, nice job, not a player, blah blah blah. No replies. Well I figured it's just a start and besides I knew there were way more men hounding craigslist than women anyways. And so I replied to a bunch of ads written by women (okay more than a bunch, a lot). Now let me tell you, I'm not a greek god, but I don't look bad, I'm taller than average, keep myself in pretty good shape, very active, very funny, intelligent, a simple, fun person, right? So I replied to all these posts (from the woman who had 200 specifics about her ideal man and an ad that made me scroll my screen 4 times to the woman who wrote 4 words in her post, and everyone in between), and for the ones who wrote "pic for pic" I attached my pic (why can't we type whole words again?). No replies. Now I don't cut and paste my replies. I read the posts and try to be funny and relevant and meet the "requirements" so to speak. Still...No replies.

The next few weeks: So I posted more ads, replied to even more ads, and finally the responses started trickling in. And here it gets a little interesting. I don't know what about my emails sends an inviting signal to this new breed of women who proudly refer to themselves as BBW. But all of a sudden I was a hero for them. They wanted me...big time. Now don't get me wrong ladies, I think you're all beautiful, just not my type. Maybe Mr. Craig should split the "women seeking men" section into two: "BBW seeking men" and "Non-BBW seeking men", because in my humble experience there are a LOT of BBWs loitering this website.

So after putting a filter in my mailbox that would automatically block all emails containing the now dreaded word BBW, I kept moving on. Got a few nice emails, and went on some dates (Although I must say it is getting more difficult to get women over their fears of leaving their homes what is everyone doing out there to scare them into hermits I wonder). Now you must be wondering what's up with that box of condoms on the title. Well now that I was sort of dating again and was pretty upbeat, I went to the store and bought a box of condoms (They are Trojan Magnums very hard to come by when you live in middle class white suburbia maybe it's because of the shiny gold foil package I know how the brothers like their "BLING" on the other side of town). And I actually began to carry some on me when I went on dates (yeah like these women would wanna jump my bones on a first date, but you never know right?). No luck ppl. I would come back from these dates, and put the condom back in the box, and it kept happening again and again. So much so that it's been almost 4 months since I bought that box and I haven't used one frickin condom. Maybe that box is jinxed. Maybe it brought me bad luck. Would Wal-mart take the box back I wonder?

So this box of condoms and I developed a weird love-hate relationship. Everytime I took one out of the box, the box would sorta grin at me: "Dude, I don't think so!" was what the box would sorta say. And then later that night when I sheepishly returned it in the box, the box would let out a sigh: "Dude, told ya!". I kept him warm and comfy (away from any major source of heat or light, like the label says) in my medicine cabinet, but then I moved him somewhere in my closet so I don't have to face him everytime I use aftershave. Because I really was embarrassed to face the box. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and hear the box talking to me "Dude, do you think you'd EVER get laid?". Yeah for some reason he always called me "Dude" in a wry, sarcastic way. So I started fearing the box. Is there a condition called CAD, yeah, Condom Anxiety Disorder, I might have it. But then the box wouldn't always be sarcastic, sometimes I could sense that he sorta felt my pain. Sometimes in the mornings when I was taking clothes out of my closet, he would say "Dude, you're a good guy, things will be okay", or something comforting like that.

But I think this relationship is hurting us both. My CAD is getting worse, and the box is getting close to his expiration date with each passing day. Now he never talks about the expiration date, but gives me subtle hints. Like when I open the closet, he would deliberately lay on his side so the expiration date is in my face. So I know, that the box is worried too. So one day I had a talk with him, yeah one of those man-to-condom ones. I asked him "Are you sad with all this?". He looked at me, a little surprised, because I never asked a direct question like that before. Then his sarcastic side returned: "Dude, what dya think?" And I said "Okay I'd return you to the store". A flicker of anger, obviously he didn't like the idea: "Dude, no half-decent box of condoms would ever wanna go back to the store shelf, R U outta yer mind?" He explained to me that it's the unwritten law in Condom Land that a box that's returned is jinxed and brings bad luck. Well that was it....

So I want to sell this box to somebody.

To someone who meets the 200 specific criteria that woman posted,
To someone who's a greek god,
To someone who actually gets laid on craigslist...

Well I have had no luck advertising these to any men on CL so I am re-posting them as I am sure the female's will surely get much more use out of them and actually know WHEN they will have a need for them as opposed to the males.

I must update as I wouldn't want to rip anyone off an Ex-G/f stoped by my home with an offer to clean my home if I would have sex with her (condoms not needed). Well I insisted I received her services BEFORE I performed mine. Well long story short the box and it's contents were "discovered" in their "hiding" place. Unbeknownst to me a full box of condoms in my "size" is absolute proof that I was sleeping around before our break-up. So the "Evil condoms of infidelity" needed to be destroyed. So I only rescued 5 of the little guys that seem to be intact. The rest of their brothers and the box (he won't be talking shit no more will he the smart-ass) have met with an untimely demise (Steak knife during the whole "Get the fuck out of my house whack-job shit like this is why I didn't want you here in the first place" that was being wielded by my potential house cleaner). So I would be willing to trade the last 5 if some woman was interested in cleaning the rest of my house!