Everybody wants a box of chocolates and a long-stemmed rose... - 42 (Boise)

... And a PEZ dispenser full of cherry flavored Thorazine couldn't hurt, either.

Holy Crap! This online dating thing has been quite the experience; not unlike a wild ride on the Bunny Boiler Express. Yes, I've met some interesting people. Most have been very nice. Sadly, not too many sparks. Unless you count those that detonated my car shortly after I cranked on the ignition. Never fear. I am, obviously, recovering nicely. I've always known that I had an effect on people. I just didn't know it included being burned in effigy, spiking holiday sales of voodoo dolls with my likeness, being slapped by the soles of so many shoes that I'm developing a couple of bizarre fetishes, and inducing mental health crisis in my poor victims.

Alas, all is not lost. These experiences have only strengthened my resolve. Sure, it makes finding that one-in-a-million, special someone a tad more difficult. But, I know she's out there. Perhaps, waiting her release from Orofino or her discharge from State Hospital South. Nonetheless, she is out there. With the soft skin of angel, the breath of the warm summer breeze, the sweet kisses of passion fruit, the personalities of Cybil, and the axe-mastery of a serial killer. Oh, where! Oh, where is my one true love?

A little about me: I am 42 years young, divorced (imagine that), with no kids, no pets, no drama, low overhead, little baggage, and an appreciation for the simple things in life. No, not a simpleton. I'm just not that complicated. I love life and really want to surround myself with positive energy (but something less than a megaton of explosives under the hood of my car). I am thin to average build (I say thin, others say average). I'm somewhere between 5' 9 and 5' 10. I have a shower. It works every now and then. I have plans to buy soap (just as soon as it comes with zero-percent financing). Even though I go mostly casual, I can usually find a clean shirt or two and sometimes they are even ironed. They go nicely with my ties; those that I'm not using to fashion a noose with. My Batman Underoos are generally fresh and clean. I've recently graduated from Huggies Pull-ups. Yes, I am a big kid, too. I am well-educated. Well, I am educated at least. I have a number of interests and have been accused of being able to carry on an intelligent conversation. The kids on the Short Bus think I'm brilliant and witty (Ok, no responses telling me how offensive that was - I am a human services professional. I give 'til it hurts, people). I am not the "outdoorsy" type. I don't hunt, fish, and keep camping to a minimum. I like sports enough to track the BSU Broncos and occasionally see how awful the Raiders are doing or how awesome the Celtics are doing. Other than that, I could really care less. I do like going to the Steelheads games. They're pretty fun. I am not a connoisseur but I do like finely crafted beverages. I don't drink in excess because, frankly, I couldn't afford to given my tastes. I am disease and drug free although there have been moments in the recent past where an injection of anthrax-laced heroin didn't sound all that bad (followed, of course, by a cyanide chaser). I like to think I have a sense of humor. There are those that think otherwise. People often tell me that I look younger than I am (I've been tree-ring dated into my early thirties). Some find me attractive, others mention that I should really look into joining the circus. Apparently, they're in need of a bearded lady (I'm not sure how to take that, really). But this is all a matter of perspective. If nothing else, I can type ok. Oh, and I do have the requisite job, car, and place of my own. I even cut and chew my own food (BONUS!).

What am I looking for? Good question. Short of a miracle, I am interested in meeting women between the ages of 30 and 40 who are mentally, emotionally, and physically fairly fit (Ok, so I would settle for a half-crazed, slightly rotund, chronically unemployed, but kind-of-hot looking midget: but hey, this is "ideally" speaking, right? Again, no need to respond and tell me how awful that last comment was; I give 'til it hurts, remember?). I didn't use to think of myself as picky or shallow but "the times, they are a changin'." If you're in therapy or taking meds to treat a DSM-IV diagnosis, although I feel for you, I'm not ready to go there just yet. I'm not physically attracted to larger (aka BB) women. I want to experience the crush of a woman against me, not being crushed to death by the woman on top of me (Ouch! Again, no need to email me on that one, either). BBW are wonderful people, I'm just not attracted to them physically. Although personality, charm, and a great sense of humor are the most important, please have only one personality at a time. The male fantasy of being with more than one woman actually involves more than one woman. Split personas are such a buzz kill. My dream girl would be down-to-earth, easy-going, friendly, upbeat, and able to laugh (not only at me, but with me as well). She would be playful, creative, with a sensual, sexy side. She would have a knockout smile and be accepting of a "guy's-kind-of-guy." She would understand that dating shouldn't make you a.) actively suicidal, b.) fearful of your life to the point you're considering entering the witness protection program, c.) miss your ex-partner or ex-spouse even more than you did before, or d.) all of the above. She would be liberal and tolerant of others. She would be up for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine to simply meet and say hello. She would be iron-willed, especially if she requested a photo from me. It comes with a liability waiver. If it sends you to the psych ward, I do apologize in advance. I just don't want to get stuck with the bill for your mental health care (which could be quite extensive and vastly expensive). So, if you think you might be her, drop me a line. If you include a photo of yourself, I will reply in kind (although this may be at your own peril). Who knows? Perhaps we could meet, become friends, and... well, the possibilities are endless. Until then, Happy Holidays. I hope to hear from you soon.

Note to self: when life is shit, look for a kind of hot midget with only minor psychological issues.