HUSBAND?

Pluck my back hair - 23 (Logan Square)

2010-07-24T14:24:00.002-04:00

So I got sunburnt and noticed that I have an unruly amount of hair on my back as I put aloe vera on it. You should come over and remedy this via tweezer.
So I also am a little horny. You should come over and take care of that, I know you need it too. 5'10, 185 lbs, HWP. Grad student. Into punk, art, good beer, bikes, existentialism (minus the depressive part), urbanism, nerding out, etc.

do ittt

Truly, I love this post. First off, tweezers? If it's really 'unruly,' maybe garden shears are in order. Second, I like how it's essentially a vaguely creative booty call post. Most importantly, as much as I like plucking hair, there is one thing I love more - popping zits. Next time, invite me over to pop your huge back pimples. Maybe I'll take you up on it (spoiler: I will not).

I AM A MILLIONARE WITH A 12 INCH DICK AND A YACHT - 39 (Chicago)

2010-06-29T16:20:00.003-04:00

hahaha it got you to click it, you gold digging size queen!!!! If you said give me 12" and make it hurt, I would screw you twice and hit you in the eye.

I am too openminded for most women out there. I been single for a long fucking time already. I am a total sexual perv, enjoy the sleazy side of life.

I am looking for something to develop into a ltr. Someone where it dont take a lot of booze to make her frisky. Someone who might enjoy swing clubs or private get togethers on a saturday night, someone who wants something good for a change...... send a pic and your yahoo messenger lets chat, Im on most of the evening, unless I am not here ;)

So, let me get this straight - you're looking for a gold digging, overly horny woman who's willing to settle for someone with a small penis, who's underemployed and looking to fuck some other woman? Got it.

Steak dinner? With...PBR? - 32 (Logan Square)

2010-06-27T18:44:00.002-04:00

Looks like a quiet night on my end. Unless...someone wants to go out for a tasty steak. Someplace low-key that has a decent steak and more than a hew hipsters.

Please be normal, attractive, sarcastic, and brilliant (like me.)

WOW. Normal is not brilliant, just an fyi buddy. Also, no. You sound horrid.

Do you have a pool? - 27 (BR)

2010-05-17T22:37:00.002-04:00

Do you? lol I'm off of work sun and mon and would just love to relax by a pool. I figured it could be a good "date" cause we can just hang out and talk and get to know eachother. What ya think?

Hey, is it cool if I shamelessly use you a bit? Oh, and I uh, I totally want to get to know you. In the sun. By your pool. Just me, the sun, the calming water, not a care in the world, and uh, you.

pee queens $$$ for pee$$$ - 29 (baton rouge)

2010-05-17T22:32:00.001-04:00

hi,
good looking white male ,d/dd free.

looking for your piss.
i am generous $$$$$$

not looking for any sexual activities.
just a meet and pee type thing
very discreet.
i have pics.
please put "pee b.r "in the subject line
race, age not matter

I.love.this.ad. Especially this part: just a meet and pee type thing / very discreet. That's fucking poetry, people. Thanks, Louisiana.

Can You Meet My Specs? - 66 (NC)

2010-05-08T11:41:00.005-04:00

I am looking for a Caucasian, single female, 59 years old. Scorpio preferred.

Required physical attributes will be:

5 feet 8 inches plus or minus 1inch

135 to 140 pounds in weight. Entire body must be in balance.

Larger breasts not considered.

Facial skin must be fair with no blemishes.

No facial hair except eyebrows.

Remainder of body must be fair with no varicose veins or blemishes

No piercings other than 1 on each on ear.

No visible tattoos, and only 1 small, discreet tattoo of good taste.

No large feet, oversized hands or big nose.

Hair can be any color, at least shoulder length.

Must stand erect with no slouching.

Must have all your own original teeth.

Must have blue eyes.

Must bathe thoroughly twice daily, with little or no lingering soap odor.

Personal hygiene is a must.

Must be disease free. If you have had an STD test recently, don't reply. Why? Why did you need the test? <<<<<

Must actively attend gym at least 2 hours/day, 3 times a week. Should be able to bench press your own weight.

Required financial status will be: A yearly income of at least $65,000. Own your own home with a 3 car garage, (paid for, no mortgage) on 5 acres or more. Any stocks and bonds are a plus and will be yours alone. No credit card debts. No credit cards.

Must own at least 2 cars less that 2 years old

Required abilities: Must be able to grow food from your own garden, freeze/store them.

Be able to shop for groceries alone, bring them home, and cook. WELL!

Prepare meals from "scratch", all 3 course, breakfast, lunch, and supper/dinner. (On time, daily)

Must be able to bathe, trim, and groom my dogs, as well as feed them timely meals.

Wash and wax automobile(s)

Take care of the laundry situation, folding and putting my things where they belong.

Casual requirements:

Make yourself available to me when I deem it, with no inhibitions.

Bring refreshments, etc. when I ask. You must live within walking distance of my home

Be able to tolerate a smoking, drinking, demanding, son of a bitch like me.

Well, Mr.66-year-old male presenting absolutely no personal information about yourself, you are a hard man to please. Points for honesty, or at least being self-aware enough to know that you are a 'demanding son of a bitch.' I think admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery, so this would be super great if you were admitting it's a problem, which you're not.

Careful What You Wish For.. - 24 (NE Ohio) b

2010-04-17T21:07:00.003-04:00

One major flaw with CL personals is that people try to 'sell' themselves to members of the opposite sex just like when they try to sell their 89 Accord LXI Wagon to Johnny No Car in the Auto section. They always claim that the body is in great shape,under the hood is nothing but muscle, and the only thing that looks better is the stain free interior. They have only been around the block with a couple of people their whole life and that the only thing they need is a quick servicing to be top shape. All this sounds go great untill you show up and realize that they only took pictures from the good angle..like 10 years ago. Of course you look underneath and see nothing but rust and lies and you move on to the next,probably not even learning your lesson or even worse you actually buy this thing and after only a few weeks it wont even turn over and ends up just sucking all your money out of your pocket.Another Craigslist success story.

Well people, ive bought alot of cars of craigslist; most of which seemed like they were too good to be true, and they turned out to be just that.The people that i bought those things from were not selling a car but the idea of HAVING a car, which i fell for time and time again.I didnt get a good one till i really knew what i was looking for.So thats why im not going to make one more CL personal trying to sell the idea of a relationship to some unsuspecting woman. Hell, im not going to make a personal at all. If you want to talk about this or anything else for that matter e mail me, i love good conversation.Who knows.. if your lucky you may even be able to drive a new future off the lot today!

So, you're not going to write a Craigslist personal ad? Weird, but that is sort of what this looks like. Also, YOU POSTED AN AD ON CRAIGSLIST PERSONALS. Whoops! Did you not mean to? Did your rant get away from you? Did you change your mind while you were furiously typing before you hit 'submit'? Maybe you mean you are trying to sell your car and you accidentally posted this to the personals section instead of the buy section?

tired of being a lonely football star - 27 (baton rouge)

2010-03-29T23:42:00.004-04:00

well im tired of users and cheaters and liars so i thought id give this a try i play semi pro football with try outs for pro this year woohoo lol well i love hunting fishing camping 4 wheeling on the 4 wheelers and in the trucks im 6"4 brown hair green eyes well built and tattoos if your interested email me with a pic and type red in the subject line so i no its not spam i have pics to send in return

So, who wants to email him to let him know that you aren't a football star if you're 27 and you play semi-pro? I don't have a PhD in football, so I could be wrong. I guess I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt this time.
Unrelated: red means stop, so putting it in the subject seems a little off-putting. Just saying.
Most importantly, the poster actually typed "woohoo lol well," read it (probably), and posted it anyway. FAIL.

wanted: two ladies for tent adventures - 46 (Baton Rouge)

2010-03-29T23:38:00.002-04:00

i'm looking for two incompetent young women who would like to spend a night with me in a tent. nothing sexual need occur. please do not bring anything loud. serious replies only. if you have ANY clown paraphernalia PLEASE leave it at home. bringing ANYTHING related to clowns to our meeting will be viewed as ASSAULT! also, i prefer that you do not tell me your name, as i will be giving you a Cherokee name.

if interested, email me back, but do NOT send me a picture. i want it to be a surprise when my son first sees you. if you are addressed at ANY POINT as "justin beiber", please play along.

Best Craigslist ad ever? Maybe. I want it to be real so badly. Cherokee name? BRILLIANT. Just call me "Adsila" and I will be your cherry blossom, at least until you call me Justin Bieber.

Looking For Jewish FWB - 34 (chicago,skokie,lincolnwood,evanston)

2010-03-23T10:23:00.002-04:00

Title says it all
you must be d/d free, non smoker, hygenic, non neurotic Jap
athletic/fit/slim
high libido
ability to host
send pic and description
no game players

me
member of tribe, athletic, clean, erotic, professional, handsome, passionate

"Member of tribe?" Which tribe? Judah? Gad? Reuben? Naphtal? All I'm saying is I think it's odd that this is so important to you but you're so non-specific. Thanks for letting the JAPs out there know you're erotic, at least. It's the little things in life.

Special Husband?!

2010-03-07T17:54:00.003-05:00

A reader writes (omg, husband-seekers, we have readers): In January of last year you published a Craigslist ad entitled email/coffee/kisses/sex/ltr/marriage/babies/death/reincarnation/email. I happen to know, unfortunately quite well, the person behind this ad, a textbook psychopath who has over the years caused tremendous emotional and financial damage to family, friends, and perfect strangers, not to mention lonely women. His plan is simple: assess the victims, exploit them till there's nothing left to take, and then abandon them - often overnight. While it is not possible to stop this kind of predator from destroying the lives of those who get ensnared by their sometimes exquisitely set up traps, I believe we have the duty to do what we can. So, I thought I'd forward to you the most recent of this man's ads, which, while brilliantly written (exquisite verbosity is often one of the psychopath's weapons), can be toxic to vulnerable women. Perhaps you'd like to publish it in your blog using the same header as to expose this man whenever he runs it in various parts of the world. Thank God for Google, that great equalizing force against previously secret creeps who thought they could escape detection. The Craigslist link is shown at the end of the ad, most recently published in London and Mannhattan. So, here it is:

the irreverently infrangible seeks the fungible for free trip to Bali
Date: 2010-01-25, 7:48PM

...willing to consider sharing my collection of vintage pre-60s Pez dispensers and post post-70s 8-track tapes with a ridiculously creative (perhaps carve reeds out of root vegetables, makes bricks without straw, chalk realist portraits on sidewalks and Turner skies on brick walls, play a lute or dulcimer...really, really well, bind beautiful hardbacks and strip homemade fettuccine or stop-motion animate your own flip books at 4 o’clock in the morning), ridiculously interesting (maybe you forged a greyhound bus pass and traveled the U.S.A. for 18 months, Magic Bussed the hippie trail from Istambul to India or have considered converting your vintage Vespa to vegetable based fuel), brilliantly (albeit not geekily nor socially ineptly so) odd (the dictionary on a party night fascinates, others marvel at your willingness to don costumes in public, your prosthetic limb collection supersedes all others or you have a photographic memory for all things reptilian), has her shit and shinola together with her mallards in a row (no hard drugs, no chronic depression, no ‘bad’ drunks and hopefully ‘lithium’ remains just a periodic element and not a prescription), fabulously beautiful, sinfully fabulous, head-turning (not in the Exorcist fashion), irrepressible child/girl/woman/goddess who is a self-confessed whore in the kitchen and a closet gourmet in the bedroom
as for you, o so lovely you for who I have waited an eternity and a half, please be a variation on the theme of slender/athletic/fit/toned female, and when you say curvy, please mean curvy in the right places as opposed to Rubenesque with a booty big enough to warrant its own zipcode or possess a gravitational field that makes a game of 8-ball a graphic lesson in Ptolemaic astronomy, please be jaded but not a hue of cynical green, please spend less than 1/8 of your life on a fucking cell phone, please know how to make more than reservations for dinner, know the wealth of a person has little to do with his income, please retain the vestiges of childlike curiosity without tying cans to dog’s tails or throwing tantrums, please be a muse and at once amused by my musings, please enjoy good poetry and equate bad poetry with a long checkout line at Whole Paycheck, please know at least 18 slang words for sex, please don't smoke (near me at least), please know how to spell definitely and know your (ass) from you’re (elbow macaroni), please be scruffily feminine and an elegant tomboy, please be indescribably unique, please be affectionate but less clingy than saran wrap, please be visibly happy (at least most of the time) and irreverent and exceedingly considerate, please be within an age range an overgrown kid like me might consider apropos LTR material (i.e. lie between jail-bait and 39 ˝), please be without kids and capable of suppressing the krakatoic rumblings of your womb, please be spiritual without believing in organized religion and anthropomorphic supernal beings unless they’re made of spaghetti and a dripping of virgin olive oil, please have bothered to read this entire ramble, the perusin’ of which you will not have considered a chore, and please know the sexiest and most erotic thing about any man is his big fucking brain, and please please me, o yeah, like I please you
~ lastly and leastly, please do not ask me to become a Jehovah’s witness -- I wasn’t even near the fucking accident ~
a bit more about meself, I'm sort of amazing (confidence not ego), world traveler (94 countries not Google Earth), super-smart (books scribbled + off the chart scores) and have a lightning wit (rocket not flash). I get the attention of a room when I walk in. I have no idea why folks are so afraid of automatic weapons. The safety is on. So, I'm more than a bit anomalous, but I assure you there's method to my madness like the flight of bees or a woman at a sample sale. I have an associational logic that instantly references philosophy, literature, music, art, pop culture and kitsch -- without Google. Spock would’ve approved my logic which, like the Vulcan moon,Trayf, is at once elliptical and eccentric echoing the tides of the mercurial human heart. What else? I love the filtration prior to intimacy and the deep philosophical discussions that follow (for example: 'why isn't there something instead of nothing -- in my wallet?'; and, 'where do all these fucking Chinese takeout menus come from?' I'm a rara avis that has migrated, due to the encroaching climate velocity, to my preferred habitat, Bali, where I live part of the year. I have a beautiful villa there with views of terraced rice fields and volcanoes. On a clear day you can even see the bill collectors wielding machetes. Come on over y'all and bring some pie -- or gefilte fish. If I'm the witty hipster you've been holding out for, gimme a holler. Or, pass me over for that square jawed, 6-packed ass clown with the pea brain who believes wrestling is real. What the world needs now are more pea brained children wraslin' in front of their TVs who grow up to be gas station attendants or, God forbid, work for CLP. Sure, I love Life on Mars just like anybody else, but, trust me, never call those buggers in an emergency. Call me. I'm your go to guy.
Hope you appreciated the rant. If you didn't just know I’ve got a loaded weapon – it’s called a brain and mine doesn't shoot blanks
ladies, don’t forget to reveal your age, your pix and 13 reasons why I will never tire of you to earn beloved brownie points and a paid subscription to Utne Reader (which rhymes with chutney feeder); your willingness to hop on a plane with me to Bali (my treat, of course) in the next 30-60 days (enough time to reduce your prized possessions to the confines of a backpack and live out your security deposit) will also soar your missive to the top of my heart's inbox

Location: where parallel lines meet

We may all be assholes judging people who we don't know on the internet, but let us bear in the following in mind: we judge because these people are intolerable.

Better off calling that number in the toilet stall - 18 (HBG)

2010-03-07T17:37:00.004-05:00

Me

18 years old
210 lbs, 6'0, brown hair and eyes
Loves music and playing guitar
Is always inquisitive and into something
Intelligent, Creative, and Humorous
Arrogant, Stubborn, and Driven

You

Around 18
Does not weigh more than i do
Has musical taste beyond Lady Gaga, etc.
Has their sanity
Can have an intelligent discussion
Is not infatuated with the topic of drugs, alcohol, etc.

In addition :

Does not engage in heavy drug or alcohol use (Nymphomaniacs are quite okay however)
Does not have kids, is in a relationship already, etc
Does not have any STD's that your not going to elaborate on till afterwards.

You get the point.

Craigslist is a great tool, but i've had some odd experiences with it, especially with finding and talking to people.
I acknowledge that by making requirements more strict, i shut the door on some possibilities
I think this is for the best.

*I dont care who sends a pic first*
*If you are real, put the name of your favorite band in the subject line*

Thanks

FACT: There is nothing beyond Lady GaGa. You would know this if you were not 18. Good luck finding the elusive 18-year-old STD-free nymphomaniac. There are about 1,928,734,203 people looking for one of those. Lucky for you, I am pretty sure that if there are any 18-year-old STD-free nymphos in Harrisburg they're all on the internet.

Tongue massage in exchange for roses.

2010-02-19T14:10:00.002-05:00

Would you like to be massaged all over with my tongue and hands? Please send a pic and some information.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you are offering roses, not asking for them. Unfortunately, I think your ad implies that you fall in the latter category. See, you've said that one will be exchanged for the other, and that you are willing to provide the first, so...I'm pretty sure you're just looking for roses. I'm not necessarily judging that, I just think you don't realize that you're an idiot.

Are You a SEXY RETARD or Have Developmental Issues?? - 34 (Suburbs)

2010-02-19T14:00:00.002-05:00

Hi,

I am not retarded nor dumb and stupid like a retard; I actually graduated from college with honors and distinction. I have never dated anyone mentally challenged but woke up today and thought to myself, as long as she looks good, who cares what her cognitive thinking abilities are? Women should be seen not heard, right? If you have a thin slender body, firm breasts, and a tight ass I don't care what your IQ is. As a matter of fact the dumber you are the more turned on I will be.

I am after a woman that looks good and will let me have my way with her, someone that will not question me if I come home at 3:30 in the morning with lipstick on my collar. If you have a little palsy in you, you get bonus points. I suppose my only hang up is you can't be a drooler; I have to draw the line somewhere. If you are intrigued, write I AM YOUR RETARD in the subject line and send me your pic. If I think you have the "goods" I will respond with my pic.

Hi,

FYI: you aren't even close to funny enough to be as offensive as Sarah Silverman and get away with it. You are a pretty shitty human being. Thanks for letting us all know on the internet. Apparently, you are 34 years old, which I'm pretty sure means you should grow the fuck up.

PS: Meet your boyfriend.

Wow guys. I think Husband? just came full circle jerk.

Short guy seeking short girl. There I said it. - 32 (Bucktown)

2010-02-19T13:52:00.002-05:00

Outside of height, which isn't all the important, I'm an educated, indepent, small business owner who likes to heads to the gym regulary, reads, goes to movies, and loves to eat and drink well. I'd love to find a very cool, smart, and most importantly fun person to spend my time with.

Maybe I'm foolish for posting this on craigs list but I don't have much to lose. I am on the shorter side for a guy at 5'8" and find that I am attracted to and attracting women around my height or shorter. It's more a disclaimer about myself than anything else. For some people it's just an issue.

Hope to hear from you.

Dude, just buy a pair of boots with a slight heel and stfu. You're not even that short. Get over it. Insecurity is unattractive, and frankly, you're annoying me.

decipher diviniti... - 29

2010-01-29T12:01:00.004-05:00

I love beauty coupled wid intelligence…need a woman I can speak to … bare my heart out …share with… my love... my dreams… my tears… my laughter... my fears …(cant keep staring at a dumb beauty 24x7)
Love someone I can just sit with …love lying down with hours and hours …on the soft sand …love gazing at the starlit sky …love making love to someone I can share my silence with …love baring my soul to her …love making for me is the most natural the most carnal the wildest and the most beautiful of all desires ….a beautiful union of two souls in love …who have chosen to immerse themselves in the yearning desires of a soul mate …
Love honesty especially in love …love tantric sex…love sex in the wildest of surroundings …love da adam n eve kinds…:P
Yearning for true love …a true love soul mate ..someone beautiful at heart …a companion in this journey called life…
I don’t…know whether we ll meet …….destiny …
If destined we may meet ….
We may connect in more ways than we yearn for …
Whatever the outcome…someone as honest as sincere as you cud only end up making my life more beautiful…
If at all you ARE comin to India …I wud be pleased rather honoured ..to know u , understand u, love u and share with u this beautiful journey called life …
I wud love to give you company in your travails…rest assured the traveling and the accommodation is my call…
Waiting for ur reply….

I am not sure which is worse, the incredible number of ellipses or the awful, romantic bullshit. He writes like a very sexual, 15 year old girl. Although, a teenage girl would probably use a thesaurus and find another word for love, while he managed to use it 19 times.

Also, Adam and Eve sex. WTF?

Help me in my marriage... - 34 (gr)

2010-01-28T16:37:00.002-05:00

Look, I know going going 'outside the marriage' is bad, so please don't email me with advice on this. thanks!

My marriage is on the rocks and it has hurt me sexually, meaning that I can't get it up...at least for my wife. I was wondering if it's just me or it's me with her.

Was hoping someone here could help me see where this problem is. I'm not looking for sex, just a little teasing.

If you're into this, please let me know

Umm, why can't he just use viagra? I am not into this.

"This Guy" - 35 (grand rapids)

2010-01-28T16:20:00.003-05:00

I am willing to bet…you’re the type of girl that guy’s come up to you all day long and say; You’re so hot or beautiful.
I am also willing to bet these same guys are the ones that beg for Sex. You also pry get a million offers to go on trips with
someone you don’t even know.Then you, figure why would a guy even email me other than to get me drunk; and have
His way with me on the first date. Which in turn…you begin to block out all men that come up to you, because you believe;
here comes another guy with some stupid pick-up Line or can I buy you a drink guy. Am I right so far…?

So…before you put your guard up; or put me on your do not call list. I am not that guy!
I’m this guy! This guy knows what he want’s and will find it…
So, if you know what you are looking for go ahead..Make your day…
I am not an open book; I leave some chapters out For yours to discover.
If you have the courage to solve this mystery…then email me.

First Date-
Something different; I like Short walks on the beach,
Dancing, movies at home after the meal I cook for you!
yes, I know how to cook other than Hot Dogs in the microwave.

Obviously, I am always thinking that a guy would only ever email me to get me drunk! Those tricky internet men and their booze! The only solution is to block out all men and put them on my do not call list. "This Guy" sure knows his stuff, except grammar and sentence structure. He does not know that stuff, which makes me afraid to read the mystery chapters in his semi-closed book.

I'm looking for my wife on craigslist - 24 (milwaukee)

2010-01-21T21:29:00.003-05:00

i cant find her anywhere else, maybe the love of my life is here on craigslist

Spoiler: she is not*.

*I am operating under the assumption that the love of your life is someone who respects herself. I'm sure that if you try long enough you will find someone equally desperate and lonely. Good luck.

I am the poet that walks beyond the stars - 25 (your mind)

2010-01-19T23:03:00.003-05:00

I am here
lost and broken~~
I thought I knew what love was
I couldn't wait for the day
London's calling so I will go
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have studied the female orgasm~~ no taller than 5'2'' I am 5'3"

~~~ I am a robot, should be your subject, or I won't read it, or robots r us~~ or robots robots robots~~~ something that has to do with robots should be in the subject

Ladies - he has studied the female orgasm. I'm not sure if that means he has the skillz necessary to get you off, but there you go.

So his only qualifier is height, but it's short enough that it really does exclude a large percentage of the population...I can't decide if that make this one of the more discriminating posts we've featured here on Husband?

Also, I have a few questions: despite the abysmal nature of this posting, does he get extra points for mentioning robots so many times? Are those extra points negated by the noetry? SO MANY TOUGH CALLS HERE.

READwithOUTjudgment; thatsALLiASKatTHEmomentMAYBEweCANbe.... (LTRliveTOGETHERchildren?)

2010-01-18T21:45:00.004-05:00

************************************(ALL (WE) CAN TAKE WITH US WHEN WE (DIE) IS OUR ""WORKS"")**********************************IF YOU BELIEVE READING 5 LINES IS ENOUGH TO DISCERN OR HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION TO DECIDE TO RESPOND TO A PERSONALS AD; PLEEEEZE...(STOP HERE) AND MOVE TO THE NEXT AD.

*********IT REALLY AMAZES ME READING ADS FROM BOTH GENDERS HOW SHALLOW AND NARROW THE FOCUS ON SUCH TRIVIAL ISSUES***********
***I understand that i don't leave much to desire as to my circumstances but believe me I DO HAVE POTENTIAL IN MANY AREAS THAT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL IN YOUR LIFE***
*I still receive judgmental responses, Lot's of people out there have a better than you attitude all i can say is there loss for not be open to understanding, compromise, and LOVE AGAIN.*
*******************************"JUDGE" (NOT) LESS YEE BE "JUDGED"***************************DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISCERNING AND JUDGING?? PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME BEFORE GIVING (ME) THE OPPORTUNITY TO REVEAL WHAT I AM ALL ABOUT AND WHAT I CAN BE FOR A SPECIAL WOMAN.

*****************I have had offers, but just because they would consider me doesn't mean i will just come to you...YES; It is true. *****************

**JUST A BRIEF VISION FOR YOU, I HAD BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY (ONE) AND ONLY PARENT SINCE 1989, AND HE PASSED AWAY**IT HAS AFFECTED ME PROFOUNDLY**though i believe he's in a better place, This woman i seek has to be compassionate and willing to be there always (I PROMISE I WOULD BE THERE ALSO) REMEMBER THIS STATEMENT.
I understand (we) have others in our live's ..maybe I am searching for something I may not ever find, LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, LIVI'N TOGETHER, MARRIAGE..BUSINESS TOGETHER...CAN YOU FILL IN THE BLANK?___________________________. (to build or add another child to family) NOT A DEAL BREAKER, ONLY GOD KNOWS IF IT WILL HAPPEN
ARE YOU WILLING TO LISTEN?
****MY DAUGHTERS MOTHER DIDN'T GIVE ME THE OPTION TO BE A PART OF MY DAUGHTERS LIFE (YES; NO OPTION)..Looong story and i won't get into that here****
I WANT TO FIND SOMEONE THAT I CAN TRAVEL, LOVE, HELP IN BUSINESS, DO THINGS WITH...COMPANIONSHIP AT HOME ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES.......... "LIVING".

YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE ENDURED UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO READ...

I am seeking a Looooooong term relationship...Yes, That's right: WHAT MANY WOMEN THINK MEN DON'T TAKE SERIOUSLY.

But I come not in the best circumstances...Just being honest here, Think there's many out here that you can say that about? You don't have to belive this next statement but it is true.......... I have had quite a few respondent's that could or would like to bring me into there life but many times let there fears and insecurrities OVERCOME WHAT COULD BE LONG TERM ""HAPPINESS"".

**** IF (WE) LET OUR PAST DICTATE (OUR) FUTURE (WE) CAN CONTINUE SCRATCHING OUR HEADS AT ALL THE SHALLOWNESS OUT IN THIS WORLD****

BUT WHAT DO YOU LOOOSE, 15 MINUTES OF YOUR TIME?

Let me reveal some of the good qualities first:

(NO) CRIMINAL RECORD, (NO) DUI'S..........FAITHFULL,ROMANTIC,THOUGHTFULL,COMPASIONATE,HONEST TO A FAULT..AND YES; SOMETIMES IT CAN BE PAINFULL....YES; MY OPENESS LEAVES A LOT OF ROOM FOR JUDGMENT....Soooooo, whos perfect out there????

(NO) ALCOHOL DEPENDENCY (EVER) IF YOU HAVE AN ALCOHOL DEPENDENCY LEAVE ME ALONE!....(DEPENDENCY) THE (KEY) WORD HERE.....(everything in moderation).

INTELLIGENT?..Well, I was self employed for many years...was and hope to be again.

Just a few of my good qualities.

My current circumstances don't lend to anyone wanting to consider me..But I have to state these to be open so you can decide if (you) can balance (me) into your life..and or your family, IF THAT APPLIES.

If your in a better place than me today and think that by revealing this to me will shine a good light on you (you could be sorely mistaken) I want to "LOVE" & be "LOVED" Thats what i feel is most important!!

I am on welfare for the first time in my life....

I am working the stock market at a very small scale but I have learned much, Many lost money last year, but quite a few made a lot of money on this rebound (I could have benefited had i had capital to work with) Yeap! water under the bridge, I know!

I was placed on medical disability for 1 yr, But by no means I am incapacitated...Too much to discuss here and I won't since it's a public forum ( I can and will contribute) SMALL INCOME.

I am seeking a compasionate woman, that doesn't judge outright, with out having all the facts...Wishfull thinking??

If you read my profile you will understand what I mean...about judgments ( what i don't understand ) How do they get to my profile since there are so many dealbreakers here?

I have my resume that can give you an understanding about what I can bring to the table, I have good marketing skills.

I will send you (my profile) that I have written for just one purpose...MY RESUME IF YOU SO DESIRE LATER, I want you to have a good amount of information..So you can consider the posibilities of me being a part of your life.

TO FIND A SPECIAL WOMAN THAT WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE ENDURED RECENTLY AND WHY I AM AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE...

A WOMAN THAT WILL WORK WITH ME AS I ENHANCE (HER) LIFE...I AM NOT SEEKING PITY OR A FREE RIDE, CLEANLINESS, OPTIMISM, LOYAL, COMPASSIONATE ALL GOOD ABOUT YOU & CERTAINLY ABOUT ME.

ONLY REAL WAY YOU CAN CONSIDER THIS IS IF YOU ASK ME TO SEND IT TO YOU...AND JUST TO EASE YOUR COMMITMENT CONCERNS.

YOUR UNDER (NO) OBLIGATION TO RESPOND BACK AFTER YOU RECEIVE IT...( my profile).

I was born in Florida... I'm in Wisconsin now ( WILLING to relocate with the """""RIGHT"""" woman) I believe the distance will allow for a slower pace with out the pressures, I am easy to talk to and am all that i portray... hopefully you love boating and if you have children boating can be good family fun too (why Grand Rapids? I just revealed to you that I love boating! Not to far from the lake, right? I bet you would like to read about my vision on a houseboat on the lake.....

Again I am seeking a loooooong term relationship, But I understand that I may not be what you seek, I believe in marriage but understand that (our) circumstances may prevent that from being considered.

But I believe (we) can make our (own) vows..and it can be special..This is down the road of course.

I WOULD LIKE TO BE WITH SOMEONE IN A HAPPY, LOVING ENVIROMENT**(HOPEFULLY LIVING TOGETHER)** BEFORE SUMMER...( I HOPE YOU SHARE THIS GOAL) IF YOU ARE WILLING TO READ MORE THEN YOU CAN DECIDE IF I MAKE UP FOR ALL THIS COMPLICATIONS AND CAN ENHANCE YOUR LIFE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.....I know naive.

ALL I ASK IF YOUR DOWN TO THIS LINE IS PLEASE....GO BACK AND READ ALL OF THIS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AS WELL AS FOR THE SAKE OF FIRST IMPRESSIONS IF YOU DO DECIDE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ME (every word,large or small in parenthesis has meaning behind it (think there's many you can believe in?).

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION.

ROBERT.

Ps Yes; That's me in on the left, about 6 month's ago..Though my hair is longer as on the right, I am (47 yo) by the way..Guess that could be important for you to know.

Yes; I know the dog is cute'..er than me, But she won't be comming with me...Loong story.
( I REALLY HAVEN'T HAD MUCH TO SMILE ABOUT LATELY).

Yes; I am an animal lover..all.

If this ad were shorter, I'd have things to say about it. As is, it's just TOO MUCH. I can however, promise that the pictures that accompanied it were a complete delight.

it might be are luck day - 45 (Jackson Mi)

2009-12-10T20:56:00.004-05:00

I'll cut straight to the point. I'm 45, SWM, been married once, and have children grown.....I'd like to change ALL that soon. A little about me first, then if you want to know more, read on: I'm 5'11", dark brown hair, blue eyes, and to quote Chris Farley "I have what Dr.'s call a little bit of a weight problem" lol.....I'm not HUGE, just country boy stocky. In the process of losing it all now though...for ME, not for you. ;)

If you're still interested, here's the facts: I'm a complete and utter movie buff....just love 'em. I like to read (Dan Brown, Dennis Lahane, Leonard Scott, Nicholas Sparks, etc.). I strive to be the typical guy in every Nicholas Sparks book. lol. I'm a hopeless romantic who still believes in the little things like picnics at the lake and opening car doors, a card that says "I love you" just because it's Monday or you were feeling a little down when you left the house that morning. and friends. are treated like family and ARE true friends. I'm not big into clubs but do go out occasionally with friends. I'm HILARIOUS, or so I'm told. I'm an outdoorsy person in that whenever I have a day off, I tend to take walks, hikes, or road trips to wherever is least touched by man. I like planning large road trips where I go to Colorado, New York, Washington, etc.....I'm just tired of doing them alone. Life is only worth as much as the company you keep. I love photography and tend to snap pictures all the time.

To sum it up, I had a 5 year plan when I graduated high school: finish college, get married, have 2.5 kids (I think one's supposed to be a midget or something....haha), and take care of them all with a great job where I'm home every night and be the type of parent my parents were.........so far, that hasn't happened, and I'm tired of waking up knowing you're in your bed while I'm in mine, and tired of knowing that I'd do anything for you, I just don't know who YOU are............

PS....if ya like, drop me a message telling me a little bit about yourself and we'll go from there. Your pic gets mine.

In order of offensiveness (to me): a) If you read Dan Brown and Nicholas Sparks, you are not reading.
b) Midgets? No, that is not the .5, and you are not a funny person.
c) "I'm tired of waking up knowing you're in your bed while I'm in mine, and tired of knowing that I'd do anything for you, I just don't know who YOU are............" FUCKING SHOOT ME
d) Use less ellipses. They have lost their meaning because your ad is littered with them. Ellipses : this ad : : cigarettes : streets of Paris.
e) You are probably really annoying when you are taking pictures, because you probably take pictures of butter at hotel continental breakfasts and other peoples' children playing in parks and trees in fog and the highway you drove down and the fish you caught and seriously, that is exhausting.
f) 'Are' is in no way the same thing as 'our.' You sir, have failed.
g) You are from Jackson, Michigan.

Oriental? Need a helping hand? - 40 (London)

2009-12-02T16:01:00.004-05:00

Sensible, reliable, married guy looking for young, intelligent oriental girlfriend in exchange for financial help. Complete discretion assured.

It is too bad that he is already a husband. Boy, do I love a guy who says 'oriental.'

Pussy Slave (Eureka)

2009-11-08T15:52:00.004-05:00

Q1. What is a pussy slave?
A1. Simply put, a pussy slave is a person who stimulates your pussy with his or her mouth, tongue, fingers, toys, etc as you direct, when you say, and without question or hesitation to help you achieve orgasm.

Q2. What kind of woman can use a pussy slave?
A2. Many kinds. Maybe you're between relationships and miss the sexual pleasure and just need a pussy slave to fill in the gaps. Maybe you are in a relationship or married and don't want to leave but you're not being orally pleasured as much as you would like. Basically, any woman who enjoys being orally pleasured and needs more of it can use a pussy slave.

Q3. So is this just a one time deal?
A3. Absolutely not. Many ladies keep their pussy slave as a special FWB for months or even years. A pussy slave will get better for you as he learns what gets you wet, what makes you moan, what makes you feel good, what pushes you over the edge and gives you an orgasm. Pussy slave will pay close attention to your body, your squirms, your reactions, and your verbal feedback to learn the perfect techniques and rhythm that works best just for you.

Q4. Will my pussy slave give me more than one quick orgasm? I want to take my time.
A4. Yes, if that is what you desire, it is, as usual, totally up to you. A few ladies will just want one quick no nonsense no hassle orgasm, most will want more. Pussy slave will pleasure you until you are satisfied. Some ladies will want to be pleasured to several orgams (three is a common number), others will want to be pleasured for hours until they can't manage another climax. Ladies are often suprised at how many orgams a pussy slave can give them once he is familiar with just how she likes to be pleasured. Simply let your pussy slave know you want additional stimulation.

Q5. How do I ask my pussy slave to pleasure me?
A5. Any way you like. You can ask, but you can also command. The pussy slave follows your every direction to the letter and never questions. You may call your pussy slave by first name, or use a name that you prefer. "Pussy boy" or just plain "pussy slave" are common.

Q6. I'm feeling agressive today. May I sit on my pussy slaves face?
A6. Absolutely! The choice of position is always exclusively yours. The pussy slave never questions your choices. Pussy slave simply obeys the directions of his lady as accurately and quickly as possible.

Q7. What does the pussy slave expect in return? I'm not sure I want to reciprocate.
A7. The pussy slave asks for nothing in return except the pleasure of servicing you and helping you to have a pleasant release when and where you need it. Most ladies do not provide any reciprocation.

Q8. What if I want to reciprocate? Is it permitted?
A8. Absolutely. You may always reciprocate if you are in the mood to do so, but pussy slave will never ask nor expect his lady to reciprocate. A lady may offer reciprocation every time she uses her pussy slave, occasionally, or not at all depending on her liking.

Q9. How may I reciprocate?
A9. Any way you like. You may reciprocate with hands, orally, or you may have intercourse with your pussy slave (with protection). A few ladies enjoy intercourse with their pussy slave after being orally pleasured. More commonly, the lady will command her pussy slave to masturbate while she watches. Pussy slave accepts reciprocation gladly, but never expects it nor asks for it.

Q10. How many lady's does a pussy slave have at a time?
A10. Just one. If you are using your pussy slave regularly he will only service you.

Q11. How often may I use my pussy slave for pleasure?
A11. As often as our schedules permit. Most lady's will want to use their pussy slave for pleasure several times per month or once per week.

Q12. Does it cost money to have a pussy slave?
A12. Absolutely not! A legitimate pussy slave never accepts money from a lady. Anyone that accepts or requests money from a lady is not a true pussy slave!

Q13. I have had fantasies about an oral slave, but I have other fantasies too. May I use my pussy slave to realize them?
A13. Yes. Your pussy slave can be used to play out most any fantasy that interests you. Feel free to discuss your fantasies openly with your pussy slave, or write them down and share them. Pussy slave is an excellent role play partner and will gladly participate in most any scene that pleases you. A pussy slave never judges you, and will eagerly discuss any role play scene that makes his lady hot. Even a lady is not always in the mood for a pure pussy slave experience, and your pussy slave is always ready to do whatever his lady is in the mood for, sexual or not. Whether you want to roleplay your favorite sexual fantasies or you want to see the latest chick flick at the movies but don't have anyone to go with, your pussy slave never says no.

Q14. So my pussy slave will do anything I want?
A14. Very likely. Most lady's just want a very talented tongue to give them pleasure, and most will start out using their pussy slave only to give them excellent oral sex. Ladies have commented that using their pussy slave is the first time in their lives they've felt that they were being orally pleasured by someone who really wants to be down there. For many ladies, using their pussy slave to orally pleasure them is all they desire. Other ladies will find that using their pussy slave to realize other fantasies is an ideal way to make them come to life. The lady may not have a partner, or their partner or spouse may be resistant to their non-vanilla ideas, or perhaps they are not sure just how to bring up the topic with their regular partner, while their pussy slave is eager to satisfy most any desire or curiousity they may have. Feel free to discuss your fantasies and desires with your pussy slave openly. Your pussy slave is always eager to learn your fantasies and play them out with you, if you desire it.

Q15. This sounds too good to be true... what's the catch?
A15. There is no catch, the pussy slave is an obedient, fun person that only lives to give pleasure and asks for nothing in return. Once most women experience the freedom of having easy access to a pussy slave and the satisfaction that brings, they realize being a lady is so rewarding that they will want to use their pussy slave over and over again and perhaps even share their newfound satisfaction with their close friends (also see Q10.)

Q16. What if I'm a little shy about this at first? I mean, naked in the daylight with my pussy slave?
A16. Not a problem. You are welcome to blindfold your pussy slave before you undress if you're feeling shy.

Q17. May I still have a part time pussy slave even if I'm married or have a boyfriend?
A17. Yes. You can keep your pussy slave on call and request service via email when you need it. A pussy slave is 100% discreet in all dealings with you.

Q18. What does my pussy slave wear while servicing me?
A18. Anything you desire. Most ladies prefer the pussy slave to be completely naked while servicing them. The visual feedback of seeing a male pussy slave with a full erection is strongly erotic for most ladies, it provides her proof that he finds her body and the act of pleasuring her irresistable. She may tease him verbally, with her hands, whatever pleases her. Other ladies will have their pussy slaves wear shorts or underwear, depending on their liking. Some ladies enjoy humiliating their pussy slaves by having them wear panties or other feminine clothing. This is entirely her choice and the pussy slave simply obeys the wishes and commands of the lady.

Q19. What does a lady wear while being serviced by her pussy slave?
A19. Anything you desire. Most ladies will simply be naked or wear a pair of panties. A few do not like their pussy slaves to see them naked, so they may blindfold him. Most ladies will be comfortable with their pussy slaves and simply completely undress for service, or command their pussy slave to undress them. Some ladies prefer the feeling of control and wish their pussy slave to kneel in front of them while they lift only their skirt or just pull their panties aside. Others will be more comfortable in a silky nightie. The choice is completely up to the lady.

Q20. What about discretion and STD's?
A20. You pussy slave host's in a discreet Eureka location, will never acknowledge you in public. You pussy slave is professional, cleancut businessman. Your pussy slave is respectful of your needs and wishes, mature, safe, clean, attractive, HWP and disease free.

Q1: How do you know your Craigslist ad is too long?
A1: If you include a 20 question-long Q&A in your ad, it may be too long.

Q2: What if the answers are short?
A2: If many of them have more than 4 sentences, they aren't short.

i dont think this works,but im bord. - 32 (arcata)

2009-11-08T15:49:00.002-05:00

any ladys wanna do something to day?
im tall dark and handsome .

Bord (n) - Commune in the Canton of Saint-Savinien of the Charente-Maritime department in the Poitou-Charentes region in western France.

Please allow me to guess that you are not 'bord.'

Do you crave the darkness?

2009-11-02T21:06:00.003-05:00

Do you crave the darkness of night?
Do you shy away from the light?
Do you watch the world go by…
Are you left with nothing but a sigh…
Do you stare at the moon and dream,
Yet, in your heart you scream…
Left into loneliness and despair,
You accept that life is not fair…
Is your heart turned into stone,
Does the emptiness freeze you to the bone…
Hatred overcoming reason,
Is this all just another season,
Madness is merely a state of mind,
Are we perhaps one in the same kind…
Laughing in insanities abyss,
Tasting a finality of deaths kiss,
Is there salvation from all of this…
Is there something I have missed?
Do I seek your pity or sorrow,
No I just look towards the futility of tomorrow,
Smile and let it all go into the void,
Accept that our souls are devoid,
Of all that we believe is good,
And allow it all to die in this mood,
Laugh one last time as you hear this rhyme,
Allow ignorance to close your eyes one more time.

Thank you, Kentucky, but it's difficult to take you seriously when you use a terrible rhyme scheme.

im kinda drunk - 25 (chicago)

2009-10-25T11:58:00.002-04:00

now i love my friends
tonight was fucking awesome
id say more
but im kind adrunk
and people are judgmental
to cut things short
i dream of meeting the woman of my dreams
as i am a hopeless romantic
but to do that
gotta meet as many people as possible
and keep an eopen mind
but that is that
and i do love drinking
and the woman of my dream
smart is the most important
and included in smart
drama free
and doing exactly what you want to be doing with your life
i guess that covers it
also pretty of course
and i think you should be either horribly goofy
or horribly sarcastic and judgemental
having said that
if you are amused by this rant
or think it describes you adequately
you should totally wriet
as i shall check tommorrow
and appreciate having someone to chat with
as i enjoy randomness
that is all for the night
thanks for reading
and happy weekend

Bad poetry? Oh noetry.

I love the classiness of his 'amused by this rant' and 'as i shall check tommorrow.' This might be my new favorite craigslist poem.

Ever touch an electrical fence?

2009-09-09T00:38:00.001-04:00

I have the standard 6ft. fence in our backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawn mower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

So, now that you have been thru all this, are you interested in talking to me more?? I hope so. Let's talk and see what happens!!

Tennessee husbands ftw!

Cutie on ATL to DTW - m4w - 52 (Metro Airport)

2009-08-24T19:28:00.000-04:00

You were the cute blond with the designer bag flying from Atlanta to Detroit yesterday evening.

I was well dressed man seated near you. I wanted to approach you, but was traveling this occasion with my wife.

I commute frequently from Atlanta and Detroit for my cardiology practice, and the wife rarely comes with. Will you fly with me next time?

Detroit, you're my favorite craigslist again.

Question??? - 43 (Downriver)

2009-08-24T19:18:00.002-04:00

not to be mean what so ever to the big girls but I was just curious as if the were any women 35-45 who were single and not over weight looking for dating?

people are really mean to each other on here and I'm considered a badboy!.....lol...thats funny!!!

not to be mean once again but if a guy can't get a boner for you then he will never know what a wonderful person you are in a romantic way!..As friends we can love you to death...That doesn't give any guy the right to be mean to you on here! And by the way if your a dude under 30 and your on CL then you have no right to bust on any woman on here!

I'm 6ft even, still have abs, kind of a badboy and I'm looking for a person who is in shape and less of a badgirl than she is sweet and nice!

hit me up if your interested in talking!

Things that don't make sense: this poster's brain.

i am looking for a live in girlfriend - m4w

2009-08-24T19:14:00.002-04:00

i am a single white male...i would like to find a live in girlfriend...i have my own place all you have to do is move in...i will cover living expenses...you just tend to my needs.....i am open to any race within reason

What races are 'within reason?' Imagine I've just read this aloud, and the following are the reactions of my current roommates, two lawyers in their 30's:

Roommate 1: Maybe he means inter-species? Like, a non-humanoid...that would be unreasonable.
Roommate 2: So what, half-orcs need not apply?

Half-orcs ftw?

Sometimes I think Craigslist has a sense of humor...

2009-08-24T19:11:00.003-04:00

Many thanks to Detroit and the Craigslist team for making this moment possible.

COO COO 4 CO CO PUFFS - 350 (making pickles)

2009-08-18T15:22:00.002-04:00

Gargoyle seeks friend , tired of waiting to get noticed at the gym ? is society telling you your using to much oxygen ? my story for yours? free dinner? win a free tooth brush and keep your pants on! ok lets get serious here , or not ! as long as you don't flood my toilet, spill your drink, brake my favorite dish , burn a hole in my shirt and lock my cat in the closet, all on the first date.

Seeing how few of you lock cats in bathrooms on the first date after breaking people's favorite dishes and burning holes in their shirts, I'd say you have a real chance with this fella.

Shorty where you at??? - 24

2009-08-09T22:24:00.001-04:00

A little bit about me: Physicially I'm 24 yrs old, Blond hair Blue eyes 6'' tall, handsome... with an athletic build. I would say I've lived a very interesting life for someone my age and plan on continuing with my adventures living my life to the best of my ability. I haven't been in a relationship for about 2 years now, and I feel like meeting someone new... someone I don't already know, that's why I'm trying Craigs to see what might come of it. I'm a college graduate, have a successful career, and generally just a good person. If I might be of interest to you, feel free to send me a message and we can get to talking and see whatever else might come from it.

Successful college graduate who lives in Flint, Michigan? I'm skeptical.

Looking...We all are looking sometime - 48 (Columbus / Lagrange)

2009-08-06T19:24:00.002-04:00

We are all looking sometime in our life..Just think about it..I am now anyway's. I am
normal and not no junkie on here. I am looking for someone who might be looking
also like me. I am very nice,sweet,polite,and safe to be with. Should any of this interest
you,just reply back and I will get back too you..Hope to hear from some normal people.

After reading those first few sentences, I'm honestly surprised he didn't write, "hope to here from some normal people." Way to exceed my expectations, poster.

Want to have a messy, crying, drooling mini-human together? - 30 (Chicago)

2009-08-05T08:51:00.002-04:00

Your eggs aren't getting any fresher!!

Seeking a highly intelligent, liberal-minded sort of woman who is ready to be a responsible parent with me. Bonus points for earth friendly types.

You're ready to geek out over the healthiest stuff to feed the little thing and how to turn him/her into a baby brainiac surrounded by books. You're at a place in your life where you're down with trips to the tot lot, storytimes, and family trips to the zoo.

Obviously you're fairly healthy/active, employed, nonsmoker, hopefully cute and sweet/nurturing/bubbly.

I'm a smart, healthy, clean cut, nice guy type SWM ready to move into dad mode with the right match.

I will reply to all who write a serious, thoughtful reply about possibly starting a family.

Points for knowing the difference between 'you're' and 'your.' Negative points for the whiff of desperation in this ad.

nice, average, and upbeat girl wanted - 27 (tulsa)

2009-08-05T08:49:00.000-04:00

hi, i am looking for a girl who is not still angry with her ex, doesnt mind just hanging out, and would like to have a little fun now and then. if this is you get back to me. pictures are welcome all will get a reply

Average? Look no further than Tulsa.

If you like Chocolate your gonna Love This - 27 (Baton Rouge)

2009-08-05T08:44:00.003-04:00

I am moving from New York to Baton Rouge next week. Lets talk

My name is K. I am a 27 year old professional at a high profile law firm and I'm studying law in Baton Rouge. My career doesn't leave me much time for a social life at this point. It would be nice to have some company and meet someone new to kick it with. Im open to new experiences with different nationalities.

I'm 5'6", Medium Athletic Build, Handsome Face and Milk Chocolate. LOL!

I like going out to lounges and restaurants with nice ambiance. I love the movies.

I love sports, football in particular (Giants Fan) and I love politics. So between CNN and ESPN I’m good!
I enjoy any live entertainment and good company.

Send me a pic and tell me your interest. Lets Talk. TTYL!

If his grasp of punctuation and grammar is any indicator, I'm guessing this poster will be an excellent lawyer someday.

be my first - 18 (owasso)

2009-08-04T18:24:00.006-04:00

I had a hard time finding a post awful enough to justify being the first Husband? post in such a long time, but I think I finally found one that is truly unfortunate. Hopefully, this is the first of many wonderful potential husbands to be featured in the coming months.

hi there i am a little nervous but i am 18 and wanting to loose mt virginity. it is driving me crazy i would like for my brother to be there as well i am a little slow but can maintain i am 6ft dark hair 8 inches what else you want to know just hit me up please no bots or freaks i want my first time to be a plesant experience not a nitemare.

FYI, if you're looking for someone who is:
a) interested in being your first time
b) interested in fucking you while your brother is there, watching
you might be looking for someone who is a freak.

Additionally, freaks in the sheets aren't necessarily nightmares. You'll thank me when you're older. You're welcome.

Blood, tonails, hair, and all else still lacking (Mid-City)

2009-05-31T13:10:00.003-04:00

I had written a proper response for your kind message. And I have one more thing for you

I wanted to tell you the intelligence
attains the grand summation of
molecular motion at absolute zero.

You're lone response cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel nor that of the spammers on their tired tirade, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.

I hope that I remind you of the shrouded enigma of an important postage never sent.
Your response in any form again would bring me a dashingly colored toupee that would twist around my right shoe into a state of ennui with the speed and dexterity of many lemon meringue-coated conquistadors.

I hope to hear back from you.
xo

What the fuck? It sounds like someone replaced a bunch of words using a thesaurus after sprinkling World of Warcraft references into a high school science textbook.

HOT.

If you don't read this you're dumb - 25 (Wessstsiiiiiide(Alb))

2009-05-31T13:04:00.002-04:00

I like Taco Bell, Fruit Loops, and pickle juice. Seriously I'm not expecting to find the love of my life through this although it would be great, I just wanna make at least one good friend. Just someone to spend time with doing anything. I love the outdoors, camping and traveling but have a good time going out for some drinks or going to a movie or concert. I smoke grips of pot so hopefully you do to, but if not that's cool. I'm a nerd with a big heart that's really fragile, I have lots of love to give and need ways to express it. If you're worried about some difference between us don't be and just drop me a line. I'm posting this with no picture, cause if you're really interested my average looks, and furious passion will satisfy you.

Likes Taco Bell? Check.
Likes Fruit Loops? Check.
Drinks pickle juice? Check.
Average looks? Check.
Pothead with a fragile heart? Check.

Husband?

5000 Reasons to Marry me this Monday!!! - 37 (South)

2009-05-31T12:59:00.001-04:00

5000 Rea$ons to Marry me this Monday!!Well? Why the hell not??!!?? If you are reading this then you are curious. I am white. I am attractive. And I'm looking for a highly sexual wife!! I'm sick of the bars. Not hunting for you in church! Not stalking you at the grocery store by snooping in your basket to figure if you are attached or not. Don't get me wrong, I do get women that are attracted to me. I do know how to communicate. I am a guy who showers most days.....ok, ok, ok.....evryday!! I own a full set of teeth..all mine! I have most of my hair....and yes on my head, not my back!!! I don't have a wonderful porn star moustache.....those 80's guys are so lost!! I am a home owner........a damn nice one at that! I have been married before....for a long stretch. I am a daddy......lol....ok, well a father as i'm told. I am not lonely....I have too many friends sometimes. I am just gonna buy / rent / mortgage / pay a loan on a new wife!
Now, heres what i'm looking for..........
I don't want any smokers....what's that you say?? But i'm trying to quit! Well good luck to you!! I don't want any drug users!! Well, now that only 3 lucky ladies are left!! I want someone that's not too tall, i'm thinking 5'6 or under. Not 7 foot ladies...sorry.make doggy style too hard!!!......kidding!!!.....I own a stool!!!.....lol. Anyhow? I want a woman that does her nails, has fabulous hair, dresses for any occassion and wears it well. I expect you to be smart, college does not make you smart!! I want you to be in shape ....and yes big fat and round is a shape, it's not the shape i'm looking for! Listen, I seriously get attractive 18 to 25 year old ladies all the time. I am just sick of all the sex and no one there in the morning?!? God? Am I a man whore? Well, I admit I am! But I am sick of this shit! I wanna provide a home and family for a good relationship base. I am not opposed tp having more children. I am not opposed to moving if it makes you happy. I am not opposed to bisexual women!! oops!! My mind is wandering again...lol. Anyhow, wanna meet a funny guy with a crazy background? I am YOUR guy. Drop me a line. Be nice? Be mean? Just be real!!

One - a lot of these are not reasons.
Two - "I'm white" is a reason? FAIL.

Don't worry, you're vagina is safe from me...for now;-)

2009-05-30T23:19:00.002-04:00

At ease ladies. i know that you all think guys just want the booty (and we do) but all I'm looking for is someone to go to the movies with me so I don't keep looking like a freakin' square trying to watch movies like Wolverine by myself. i mean, damned, i'm a grown ass man, why am I watching kiddie movies...gotta put that one to the therapist. Anyway, in true CL fashion, I'll list the do's and don't below when responding to this fodder....

Do:

Have a sense of humor
Be willing to talk shit during the movie if it sucks
Let me pay for it since I pretend to be a gentleman sometimes
Wear something that's neither for church nor a fashion show
Be willing to stop at a porn store afterwards so that I can return some videos (something I find my self doing too often)

Don't:
Be a man (I will kick your hairy ass)
Be giant. I love tall women, I love short women, I don't love women who look like one of the Klumps
Be pretentious. If you want to see some crap like the Travelling Pants, I will vomit on yours.
Ask me if I still have all my teeth just because I'm a fighter. yes, I have them all...and never had a cavity either;-)
Spray me with mace if I try to hug you after the movie. It would be a friendly, genitalia apart type hug anyway.

That is all. Oh, and the thing about the fatties need not apply...I only say this because I don't want to have to pay for three seats...LOL!!! Ok, ok, I'm a dick;-)

FYI, anyone who wants to watch the 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' probably isn't too pretentious.
PS - is 'Wolverine' a kiddie movie? Maybe he means 'Up.'

Looking for "Her"..... - 20 (hudsonville)

2009-05-06T17:24:00.001-04:00

Hey Ladies,

I guess in short I'm not looking for anything concrete right now, but who knows if your the right girl it might happen. My name is Mike. I'm nothing special, nothing hott or sexy, so if your looking for eye candy, I'm definitely not it. Love is a hard thing to find, its something everyone dreams of, but sometimes never comes true. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, love poetry, and just talking about stuff. I'm just looking for a close friend, and maybe more. I don't need sex or anything like that. Its so degrading sometimes. A good friendship is what I'm looking for. If your interested or want to know more, hit me up. Remember I'm nothing special, but I've learned that you should love who a person is rather than what they are. Hope to hear from you. Thanks!

Mike

I want to give this guy a big hug. I don't think that is too degrading.

Naughty and nice - 62 (Rockford)

2009-05-06T17:18:00.002-04:00

White male, married, 62, seeks the company of older female companion. Prefer women 76+. Married.

What a horndog of an old man! I am concerned that he might have poor intentions.

Penis monster looking to fall in love with a vagina monster. - 26 (Grand rapids)

2009-05-04T17:34:00.002-04:00

Labia monsters, clitoris monsters, and boobie monsters are also acceptable alternatives. I don't discriminate.

I'm looking for a warm loving monster to snuggle up on the couch with, hold hands and watch a movie. I want to walk around in the parks with my arm around a waist and maybe a head on my shoulder? This is presuming I'm taller. There is so much good stuff to do. I could ramble on and on.

I'd like a lady with serious long term intentions in her head. I want a woman who is generous with her love, not that I want to be smothered, but I want it to hang thick in the air. Mmmhmmm. Smell that love.

There are many things about this ad that worry me. I think this man's age troubles me the most. I hope to god that he was drunk when he posted this.

need somthing ?? (alll over )

2009-05-04T17:21:00.003-04:00

Missing something?
Feel you really need a Guy to make you happy?
I know I felt I needed a Girl to make me happy!

Then I found out.
All you need is Christ.
Jesus is the answer to sadness, and hope for a good future
Put your trust in Him first and He will deliver you your “prince” in the midst of the storm.

The lack of quotations around storm leads me to believe that the Weather Girls are clairvoyant. It also made me wonder how many women were delivered "princes" during Hurricane Katrina? What too soon?

NEED LOVE IN MY LIFE - 35 (GR OUT SKIRTS)

2009-05-04T17:15:00.005-04:00

What can i say here that will make you want to know me .
Well i am over weight .
Long hair.
one tat.
one kid.
smoke drink.
I am nice , good karma .
average size dick , sorry no anaconda here . . .
Not even shur if it still works !
Funny at times , but not always to others .
self employed .
ok wanna no more ask
i hope to here from you soon .

I have no desire to know him. Although, I would like to know the reasoning behind the Mickey Mouse Boobs.

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow. - 26 (grand rapids)

2009-05-04T17:05:00.003-04:00

Dear female gender,

One of you is going to fall in love with me.
I'll make it easy by being nice to you!! And by reciprocating that love.
We will even hold hands and talk to each other about silly stuff like how our day went.
One day you will wake up in the morning and look at me all cute sleeping away and you're going to fantasize about having my babies. If we are lucky there will be a few such strategic accidents.

Sincerely,

Captain Amazing

Dear Captain Amazing,

I truly doubt that I would fall in love with you based upon this ad alone. For some reason, you are confusing general human decency with seduction. I am positive that I would not fantasize about having little Officer Amazings with you. If something as awful as insemination occurred, I would have a different type of "strategic accident."

Regards,

Admiral Uninterested

My virgin ears are burning. I can hear my neighbors having copulation - 27 (GR)

2009-05-04T16:42:00.003-04:00

Preface:
I've done some thinking and I'm pretty sure that living happily ever after [1] requires a wife. Maybe this is a case of the "grass is greener" syndrome? Or maybe it was the upbringing. Also I have analyzed my coworkers and regardless of age all the married ones do seem to be much happier. Some of the single ones are quite the example of human frailty (seizures...) and why we all need somebody to lean on sometimes.

Therefore I've decided that my own personal woman would be not only romantic but practical. So I'm looking for a serious minded lady.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like I'm in any particular rush. Cuz I aint.

About Me:
I went to college and got a bachelors in electrical engineering. I've been working at a grownup job for 4 and a half years now.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [2]
I like good food: I will never eat at McDonalds.
I'm a tad geeky. I only watch tv in dvd format and I play a decent amount of video games.
Sports: I like watching Hockey, F1 racing, and fast forwarding through nascar. I only watch sports with others.
Five feet and 11 inches.

About you:
18 to 21: Workable but I'd feel like a cradle robber.
22 to 28: This is prime.
Over 28: Your biological clock concerns me. [3]
Educated or getting educated.
Chaste and mostly virtuous. [4]
Warm and mature.
Height to weight proportionate.
Classy.

Finale:
Per the usual, your pic gets mine blah blah blah.
Just to prove that you aren't spam please mention angular momentum.[5]

Foot notes:
[1] Or rather the closest approximation of "happily ever after" that is humanly achievable by flawed (but mature and devoted) individuals.
[2] Use your imagination.
[3] Sorry.
[4] I know what I want and I want it now. I want you. Cause I'm Mr. Vain.
[5] I changed my mind. please mention 2nd Kings Chapter 2 verses 23-25.

What I have learned from this post:
1) To live happily ever after, I need a husband.
2) Because I am single, I will have seizures.
3) Married people are happier because they do not have seizures.
4) A man should own me because it is both romantic and practical.
5) McDonald's does not serve good food. (Giant diet cokes anyone??)
6) Cradle robbing occurs until age 21 and one has an until age 28 before her biological clock is concerning. I have very little time!
7) II Kings 2: 23-24- "Some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!' And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys." PRICELESS

Romantic Dominance and Submission - 27 (GR)

2009-05-04T16:39:00.001-04:00

very simply I'd like to meet someone who wants to:
be courted with intentions
become a bride
become a wifey
become convenient ;)
become a follower
become a mother

?

Really, is a winky face the most appropriate emoticon?

Please tell me what you think of my looks

2009-05-03T02:01:00.002-04:00

I'm kind of shy and I would like to know what you think of the way I look (Like would you date a guy like me)If you would like to know me please send me a note and your picture Iwill respond back Thanks and have a great week Grant

Dear Grant,

Please stop fishing for compliments. Newsflash: it's unattractive.
So, to answer your question: not so hot.

Warm Regards,
a member of the concerned public

Sort of creepy anti-social type seeks happy-go-lucky girl next door!!! - 33

2009-04-16T17:43:00.003-04:00

That is to say I love people, I just don't like to be around them all that much. I also love music... listening to and playing all types. It's possible that my creepiness would subside after you got to know me. I thoroughly enjoy sarcasm, the dark, slight cynicism, stupid blogs, hiking, salsa (the food not the dance), and masks. I'm not tall ~ 5' 9" and not in the greatest shape, but not horribly out of shape or unattractive. If you're at all interested, you know what to do... hopefully. Anyway, pic for pic and all that BS. Have a nice day!

This gem comes from a computer in Madison, Wisconsin. Unrelated - Is 5'9" is the beginnings of tall? I judge everyone by ANTM model contestant height, and if contestants can be 5'8" and up, then 5'9" is tall enough to be a female model, which means that 5'9" is actually sort of tall, right?

Elliott Gore - 19 (Jonesboro Arkansas)

2009-04-16T17:38:00.002-04:00

Hello, My name is Elliott gore. I am a dark-shinned gentleman ready for true love. I love to hangout with friends, play my trumpet and go to church. If you are ready for love holla at me

Just the shins, eh? It's like the reverse of a bad tan line from soccer shinguards.

After I CUM I am not DONE! - 34 (Downtown Fresno)

2009-04-13T11:02:00.004-04:00

I am a romantic young gentleman and poetry is to me a skill
By just seeing you in person I can make wet with thrill
I do not need a pen or paper to express to you what I see
Just the words from my mouth will make you want to feel the sight of me
I also never stop from evening until later past the morning dawn
I will Cum a few times but I will not say thank you and be gone
I will Give you oral sex with my rather think tongue
and then I will be hard again and inside you again I'll be sprung
I love the position of you riding me and you'll be surprised at what I can do
while your riding my think penis I can lift my pelvis inside of you
I will feel like a pole you are riding and for hours you can ride
and I know this is NSA but if you want more of me I can be open to be TIED

I do not have a credit card or a checking account so I can not join a site that needs that for age check, But I will give you any information so you can see I am a very legal decent guy that is 34 I work downtown Fresno and live in downtown also. I hope I will hear from a woman because I am so bored and sad now.

I spent 20 minutes trying to write a response poem to the poster telling him where he went wrong, but every time I tried I ended up with this:

STOP.

It's been said before but: bad poetry? Oh noetry! People, stop before your god-awful "poetry" hurts someone you would like to love in the future, NSA, TIED, or otherwise.

Fairly unrelated: how does a 34-year-old man live, work, and survive without any type of bank account? I'm not sure whether or not that's a feat, and thus something I should be impressed with by default.

Once in a lifetime Opportunity - 19 (Gainesville)

2009-04-06T11:02:00.002-04:00

Hey whats up....im here looking for a nice young lady to be friends with, and if everything is great, then a girlfriend.....im 19, black, 170lbs athletic, 6'0,black hair, brown eyes and light brown skin.....i dont smoke or drink, and expect for you not to either (but if you drink then thats ok, but just dont be an alcoholic.....lol)...im not really a partier either but i still know how to have a good time......i know how to really treat a lady.....im not looking for sex either......as for you (i would prefer, but not limited to)....age-18-23, height-5'5-5'10, weight-130lbs-165lbs athletic or somewhat in shape, eyes- any color, race/color- i will be friends with anybody, but as for girlfriend/ wife status, i would prefer light skined-white......but still respond and see where it goes......e-mail me if you are interested, and if you are real please let me know because 95% of the responses are fake people/bots......so dont miss out on a great friendship/relationship

OMFG. If you're going to be a racist asshole in your post, at least spell 'skinned' right.

real, lonely, special, and ready to melt... - 42 (gville area)

2009-04-06T10:44:00.003-04:00

yeah, I'm a former grad student at UF, and have found my way back to north florida.
I'm very alone, nice guy, and have a secluded cabin, and don't and wouldn't want any issues.
If you are mature and kind, and rare...can't hurt to send an email. I'm not after anything specific, which is a good thing.

Dear Poster,
"I'm very alone" makes you sound sad. Lonely is fine, desperate is not. Please bear this in mind for future postings. Also, "I'm not after anything specific" really just intensifies the sad, desperate longing. I take issue with saying that you have absolutely no idea what you want is a good thing. Yes, you're open-minded and you have low expectations, but a better way to say that might be "I'm open-minded about where meeting and being friends leads," or "I'm interested in meeting lots of different kinds of people."
Additional note: saying that you're very alone, you have a secluded cabin, and you don't want any issues (whatever that means - be more specific) makes you sound like you're a serial killer. Are you going to kill the people who reply to your post and adorn your secluded little cabin with their guts? GOD. STOP BEING SO CREEPY.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

you'll think my tractors sexy

2009-03-31T17:42:00.004-04:00

looking for some paradeing material someone who is drop dead gorgues i like blone and long legs i am a farmer ouside of ithaca with a very sturdy built

Usually, I respond to what an individual is trying to say in their post. In this case, I think the poster would benefit a good deal more from a breakdown of their grammar and spelling errors.

you'll think my tractor's sexy

looking for some parading material*; someone who is drop dead gorgeous. I like blonde [hair] and long legs. I am a farmer outside of Ithaca with a very sturdy build.

*Begs the question: what is parading material? A person attractive enough to parade in front of others? Patriarchy is the worst.

Only Low Esteem women need apply (IC/Coralville)

2009-03-31T16:27:00.002-04:00

I will treat you like crap... I won't call when I say I will... and when I do see you, I will keep asking you when you are going to lose some more weight? I will tell you how much better looking your friends are than you.

I will isolate you from your family.

you will tell me your deepest insecurities, and I will exploit them.

I will treat you like every other man has treated you in the past... and you will keep coming back for more.

--ps: say something about Iowa City/ Coralville, so I know that you are real.

I'm very torn* between denouncing this man as a hateful, misogynistic pig and applauding him for his honesty and what I'm guessing is a good deal of self-awareness colored by heavy doses of reality.

*and by torn, I mean the opposite.

Please send me spam and stupid links?? (Austin)

2009-03-27T18:21:00.004-04:00

WOW!! All the response here have been from fake women.That's awesome for normal single guys just trying to meet a nice Lady on here.So with that said I KNOW NO ONE will read this part I'm sure.If your not a real Lady just looking for a friends first please do not respond here.Don't send me spam or stupid links.PLEASE BE SOME WHAT RESPECTFUL here.Just send a small pic your email or a way to get in contact with you that's not some stupid link.Facebook or Myspace will do but at least have your profile public not private.So much trouble to meet someone nice on here for real.Should not be this hard or should it??

Oh, poster, you are so wrong. I DID READ THAT PART. Also: I'm reading the erratic capitalization as a touch of schizophrenia or an obsession with the music of Kanye West. Either or both of those conclusions could be wrong.

In need for a Side Girlfriend soon. - 36 (Cedar Park)

2009-03-27T18:19:00.001-04:00

Title pretty much tells you what I'm looking for. I would treat you so good in so many ways, you'll love me forever. I'm not a player by all means but I'm tired on the same old stuff at home, so I thought I would give this a try. Is there any woman who's in the same shoes I'm in???/ Please reply back if so so we can chat and see what happens. I'm a good looking 36 y/o white male and I have pics, please have pics so we can exchange. Hope to hear from you soon....

Way to plan ahead, wishes-he-were-cheating white male.

You're kinky, horny, and cute (but happen to have hsv) - m4w - 30 (620 and twenty-two twenty-two)

2009-03-27T18:14:00.003-04:00

Aren't you tired of "the conversation" looming over every potential encounter or relationship? Can't a girl just have a NSA sex-filled weekend without the hassle? Sure you can :-) You just need a guy that understands what you're dealing with.

I'm 6' tall, 220 lbs, broad shoulders, good-looking, funny and a lot of fun, and got exposed to h*s*v*2 by an ex while I was in college. I'm attached, but that shouldn't matter.

You should be intelligent, height and weight proportionate, be a borderline sex addict, and otherwise normal and fun to be around.

Discretion and privacy are of utmost importance, and will be respected. Let's talk a bit and then exchange pictures if we feel comfortable with one another.

We've had some crazy weather this week: there was a hail storm in north Austin on Wednesday and we got a lot of rain this morning and now it's sunny.

Seriously, the weather? I understand using the weather as a common, neutral starting point for a conversation with someone you don't know. I hardly think that the end of a personal ad on Craigslist is a place where such a point needs to be established. Congratulations, height and weight proportionate borderline sex addict. You're doing it backwards.

I want to be a cookie monster tonight - 53 (SW Austin)

2009-03-24T18:47:00.002-04:00

I love to eat cookies and am actually quite good at the pleasure. Let's meet for HH and go from there.Your pic gets mine. SXSW is over , rained earlier , nice out now & 80 degrees.

80 degrees? Seriously? Austin, Texas looks better to me all the time. Unrelated: Sesame Street references are a terrible way to get into anyone's pants, unless they're a child. STOP.

I need a Girlfriend U Need??? - 39 (Baton Rouge Area)

2009-03-19T20:27:00.002-04:00

Ok here is the deal. I own two businesses in the Baton Rouge area that are doing pretty well I also have one wife in the area who is not doing so well so I need a girlfriend! So if u think you might be able to handle a relationship like this then we need to talk about the details. I am more than willing to take you to the mall shopping, out to lunch, dinner or drinks and generally spoil you rotten. If you need a little help with the bills or rent then that is what boyfriends do. What I will not do is support u. In return you get a great guy with all my hair all my teeth and occasionally I even smell pretty good. I stay in shape and you should as well. If you like days out on the water and an occasional weekend out of town that is a plus as well. If you dive that is a real plus but I can alway teach you since I am an instructor. Have a pic to trade and please if your email address is not local then tell me in the email or u just get deleted.

Is he trying to pull an Edwards? Does his wife have cancer? It's unclear exactly what's going on in this man's marriage. Also, how is paying for shopping, meals, bills, and rent not support?
I think he's confused about what 'support' means.

24 yo looking for vaggina - 24 (baton rouge)

2009-03-15T17:43:00.002-04:00

i am a 24 yr old looking for a woman of any age. I have a daughter and am just looking for some fun. 225 - two three five- eight four three one text me ill be waiting, first vagina gets my big ass dick.

I've devised a new rule for humankind, and I think it will benefit everyone. From now on, no one who can't spell 'vagina' can put their big ass dick in one. You're welcome, world.

OK, I Give Up - 48 (Baton Rouge)

2009-03-15T17:40:00.003-04:00

Well, I tried some of the very direct stuff and got nothing but scam/spam back so, I have decided to go the more subtle route. Start slow and go from there
Looking for a nice, smart, gentle woman who I hope is married and in a secure position.
If you can talk politics, economy, or whatever you wish to discuss, I would like to meet you and eventually take your clothes off, if it's ok with you.
I travel quite a bit, yet when in BTR can meet just about anywhere and can host during the day. I am not a nut.
I drive a junky car, have a nice dog, and really am looking for someone who just wants to talk, have their opinion valued and listened to, and who knows from there

So, there really isn't anything for you to loose.

If I take you to IHOP, don't be surprised if I use coupons to pay the bill
Just being real

Points for being interested in getting consent before taking off someone's clothes after a coupon-fueled trip to IHOP?

Redneck Seeking Cane Pole Queen - 41 (Austin)

2009-03-10T18:14:00.003-04:00

If you don't know about Cane Poles, fishing with Cheetos, Beanie Weenies. If you don't have an Aunt that fishes with Big Red, then where you been?
Do you know what a minna is?
What is the daily bag limitt of Crappie?
How do you bribe a Game Warden?
What is the other use of a telephone?
What works better than WD 40 on a dry fishing reel?

Psycho women stay away! Russian Brides Stay Away! If you are in Nigeria and have money you want to wire me. Go ahead. I may call you back after I spend it all to make sure it is real. So with all the scams aside!
Don't ask me to join a stupid website or join some special adult chat
group to see your photos. I am a real man I already have a vivid
imagination.

Now if you have a fishing website or chat forum that tells me about
new fishing holes or techniques, I am interested.

If your only communication skills are text messaging then it won't
work out for us. You will wind up killing me. I drive a lot and it
messes me up trying to eat a bbq sandwich, drinking coffee and driving
70MPH. When I text the Yellow Line becomes a blur and I don't know
what kind of road kill I just drove over.

I might even miss the snake in the road. That is important. It is
mandatory for me to jam my brakes and go back and make sure I got the
snake. A snake in the road requires absolute and immediate action,
especially a rattle snake in the road. It doesn't matter if you have
to block traffic you have to do U-turn after U turn to run him over
till he stops moving.

Right now the best thing to to is put the dead snake on the nearest
fence. It is supposed to bring rain. So put all the snakes you can
on the fences across the area. In case it is a rattlesnake or copper
head make sure the head is off, don't assume any liability for your
actions.

Back to the mesage.

The only friends with benefits situation I am looking for is if you
have an extra $25 or $50 Academy Surplus, or Cabellas gift certificate
burning a whole in your pocket that would be a dream come true.

If you see some rods and reels on sale or at a garage sell you are
welcome to text alert me or dial me in 911 speed.

Don't respond if, you are pyscho, stuck in Nigeria, Albania, England or BFE.

My name is James, for real. I am 41 years old, 6 foot 3 inches tall,
235 pounds or so depending on how much bbq I have eaten. Brown Hair,
Hazel eyes.

I am really nice guy looking for a real woman.

Not looking for the following:
I am not looking for a Russian Bride, I am not looking for a woman
stuck in Nigeria or England looking for money to come to the US.
Basically if your stuck in some other country do what my ancestors
did, save you money and get your own boat ride over here.

I am looking for:

Looking for a real woman who can appreciate a real man. You won't
change me but you might be able to tame me.

No nagging women. No women who are going to call me at 5:35PM and ask
why I am still working. No abusive women. No psychos, please. Been
there done that.

What I have to offer: I will ask you how was your day and I will turn
the TV off and listen. I will wash your car, I will give you a neck
and back massage. I will cook for you occasionally or maybe a lot. I
would rather chase a good cook around the kitchen. I will hold your
hair back when you vomit.

So lets meet for coffee or a Sonic Burger to start. I can go from BBQ
all the way to Tofu at a vegetarian restaurant. Very versatile. If
your lucky someday I will whip up a home cooked meal for you and
massage your feet and ask how your day was.

I can talk for hours and hours and listen. Some women have accused me
of have a secret woman inside or me in regards to this. At the same
time I am a guys in all facets. I stink like a guys, sweat like a guy
and have the urges of a guy. I gladly leave the toilet set up for a
bigger target. Too much energy wasted on raising and lowering the
toilet. So if we work out I probably need my own toilet at some point
or a great tree in the back yard is even better. It is all about
going green and water conservation.

Finally the most important test. No woman worth marrying will have
less than 15% of her bridal selections at Academy Surplus.

James

Woah there, James! That's a lot of words. I can only assume that the bit at the top is some sort of special Redneck code, like 4-trackin. If so, congrats, you've weeded me out of your pool of potential mates. There's a lot here, but I've bolded some of my favorite bits. Call me, James. You're really not that bad, but damn, you're a winner.

Searching for my princess Leia - 25 (Downers Grove)

2009-03-08T20:45:00.001-04:00

Greetings I've decided to give this a shot. Trying to meet women at the bar is lame and outdated. I want to meet a woman who is truly interested in who I am and having a meaningful relationship. Okay, here are somethings about me...I have a very high appreciation for music. I'm kind of a self-proclaimed geek. I enjoy comic books, video games, and I also moonlight as a master jedi. I am a nice hybrid of homebody meets adventurer. It's always a party hanging out playing boardgames or spending quality time watching the Wars or some episodes of TNG with that special someone, but I also enjoy getting out and seeking excitement. I consider myself an avid outdoorsman who likes to fish, hike, camp, travel, and hunt for moral mushrooms. One of my daily rituals is to go out for a nice long run. A favorite pastime of mine is to play music with my friends. I play the drums, and I am also attempting to play the piano/casio. She's a '84. We'll see where that takes me. Okay, enough about me...

I'm looking for someone who is equally active and appreciative of a good time. I am truly looking for someone for the long haul. I'm not interested in one night stands, and "No" you may not use my photos for any modeling and/or scandelous activities.

You're al gae and I'm a fun gi and together we are a linchen. hehe.

If you're interested, please send me some kind of correspondence and a photo would be nice.

Thanks!

Love of Star Wars? CHECK. Bad science-related puns? CHECK. Misspelling of scandalous? CHECK, again! Learning how to play a Casio?

Husband?

Crazy Marxist-Leninist seeks same. - 25 (Gainesville)

2009-03-06T20:46:00.002-05:00

I've tried this once before, and got someone that sucks. Don't reply to this if you're a god damn Obama-Liberal and/or you think the Democratic Party is a good thing. I'm seeking a like minded female. I don't care what you look like, as long as you're into Marxism-Leninism. That means no Trots, no Orthodox Maoists (that means no one who takes their views on socialist countries from the 1960s Sino-Soviet split, i.e. anti-Castro Maoists), no Cruise Missile Leftists, no Anarchists, no Libidinal Situationists, no primitivists, no Liberals, and definitely no right-wing trash of any sort. And if you're a guy reading this who knows who I am, don't tell people like that to respond to this ad (you know who you are).

And don't flag this post for removal. That's BS.

Here, let me do you a favor, you crazy Marxist-Leninist. Consider this title next time you post (because believe me, there will be a next time): Crazy-Leninist seeks woman not offended by his extreme passive-aggressive behavior. I know I just widened your pool of women (politically speaking), but I think you'll agree that this is necessary for any sort of long-term relationship success. You're welcome.

Im hoping to bump in to you!!! - 22 (lexington)

2009-03-05T21:15:00.005-05:00

Im just here to maybe find a nice beautiful girl that I can get along with. Attraction is what sparks everything, I believe, so Im going to leave at that. Any interest, send me a pic (mines b-low), and message...

Um, I'm pretty sure that's Lil Wayne, in which case - I'm just guessing here - makes it NOT a pic of the poster. Personally, I'd let it slide, just for the implied reference to Lollipop, which I'm taking as a reason to post THIS. Keep hitting refresh until it plays. Seriously, you'll thank me later.

Just your average joe..with a slight case of nuttiness! - 33

2009-02-26T18:02:00.002-05:00

The names abilio people just call me bill , let me tell you about myself, im a goofy creative person who comes up with corny ideas like this one I thought up, remember that old Reeses commercial “How do you eat your Reeses”? Well I came up with my own tv ad for it . Have Reese Witherspoon(the actress) holding a large spoon and then say,¨ How do you eat your Reeses?Witherspoon¨ Get it !! well I told you it was corny lol. Anyways my other goofy idea which is much better and if I have the time I would like to get it published is my own cartoon, I call it Violent Violet the Crayon gone bad. It’s a cross between the sopranos and flinstones .You see in my cartoon emotions represent the colors of the crayons I have characters such as green envy ,purple passion(violent violets girlfriend) anger management(hes the red crayon) etc. My first episode is titled dare to draw first blood.

Heres a joke I created ,¨ what did judge judy say after screwing the jury?” It¦s a well-hung jury” stupid.

Okay heres another . I work in a pharmacy so one day I was asked to do a delivery for mr. Johnson. So I grabbed his prescriptions and headed down to his apartment. I knocked on his door and a 70-year old senior citizen answers the door ,”Mr.Johnson” I say,”heres your prescriptions¨ Mr.Johnson replies , thanks sonny boy¨ he grabs the bag peeks in the bag and says,¨ hey young man wheres my Viagra prescription?,cant you people do anything right, Hows a guy like myself suppose to do for fun besides playing bingo and doing crosswords all day? So I say ,¨ Sorry about that Mr.Johnson , no hard feelings tonight¨ laugh track here . Some more one liners that I invented,¨ I had sex only once,and that¦s because I believed that old saying my parents use to tell me,¨ If you do it right the first time you don¦t have to come and do it over again.¨ Also I came up with some ideas for t-shirts, remember the hamburger helper commercial that had the little talking hand , well put him on a blank t-shirt and have the saying,¨ never bite the hand that¦s feed’s you¨ another idea is just to have this saying on a t-shirt,¨ Im anal retentive, in other words Im a perfect asshole!!!!. Heres some more old jokes that need work anyways here it goes, “ I’m going to write a book on famous people who use Viagra…It’s going to be a pop-up book!!!!. Ever hear about the girl with the big nose?.. her nose was so big, she was giving blowjob’s sideways. Hey whats the worst feeling a woman can have?... She’s about the have the best orgasm of her life and all of a sudden the batteries go dead. Heres one that I need to seriously rework hey some people like it,”

Hey did you know a sex toy company is coming out with a twisted version of play-doh?.. Its called play-dildoh. Hey heres a real put down you can use if people ever make fun of how you look,” hey my dog gets more compliments from men/women than you do! .. heres one last one , an elderly couple are at the museum , they come up to the statue of david, and the wife starts admiring it, saying how lovely and great it is.. well the husband starts getting jealous because his wife seems to be giving more attention and compliments to the statue than he has everhad had from his wife , so he says” So whats so great about the statue?.. whats it got that I don’t have?”.. the wife replies with a grin on her face,” For one thing hes always hard!!”.. also I don’t know if I thought of this before but heres another idea for tootsie rolls pop commercial, have someone sucking on a tootsie roll pop and then say,” theres a sucker born ever minute… on a toostsie roll pop. “if a priest commits a crime ,is it considered a white collar crime?”. If a person in a wheelchair does a comedy routine, is it still stand up?”. Okay I know I should keep my day job, but hey I tried my best to okay now to the serious stuff.

Besides being a weird little man(im 5 10, 180 lbs) Im also a very flexible person who doesnt mind horseback riding, going to the aquarium/museum,the opera, staying at home watching a movie , playing chess or board games. hoping to meet someone who always keeps an open mind to whatever crazy idea that i come up with. i like doing a lot of things, as i believe everything new that i learn , will only make me a better person and less ignorant. i like working out ,chess, cooking,flying,reading,ufc,watching old tv shows etc. of course im always looking for new things to try, i love the knowledge and experience that comes with trying something new. hey maybe you can teach something new and i can teach you something new.

Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.I guess I get satisfaction in helping others without getting anything in return. That feeling that you get from making someone happy , is worth more to me than money or any material goods.I also take pleasure in cheering people up, hey if my partner had a bad day or feeling under the weather, i would probably give her a nice massage and feed her fresh strawberries dipped in hot dark chocolate. Money and material possessions are fleeting but the lasting memory of helping or making someone feel better is forever. I think honesty is my best trait, being honest is so much easier, why go to the trouble of lying, when in the end it catches up with you. What ive just said is charming but means nothing if I cant put it to action. I rather do than talk, here’s an example for ya ladies: would you rather date a guy who can charm you too death but does not keep his words.. basically he’s all talk and no action or would you rather date a mime. Sure you’ll have communication problems in a relationship with a mime , but at least his actions speak louder than his words.( bad joke I know just trying to make a point). Anyone can talk but Few keep their words, I really hate people like that.

I’m also a type of person who likes to keep things fresh. I like to keep my partner on their tip toes. I like to keep them guessing on what I’m going to do next. One of the secrets to a good relationship is not to let it get stale. Many couples fall into a routine,doing the same thing’s over and over again. It’s like at the beginning the guy does everything he can to get the girl but once he gets her, he get’s uncreative and does the same thing over and over again. Hey relationships and life are about variety. Personally I’m not the guy that would follow the standard procedure aka where the guy gets a girl flowers and chocolates. Personally I would come up with a more creative idea such as mystery grab bag, which is a hallmark gift bag filled with such goodies such a chocolates,a lottery ticket,a pez dispenser,make up kit,a good book etc. Yeah I like to separate myself from the herd , don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with giving a girl flowers and chocolates, but to me it sounds redundant and over used.

Anyways hoping to meet someone where we cant start out as buddies as I believe when you date someone expectations are high, you put to much pressure on date. I believe getting to know someone over a long period time (as friends) can tell if your right for each other. Hey when you go on date you or you date may have had a bad day and that may leave an undesirable impression. Anyways sorry im not good at this writing thing but if your interested feel free to write back. Oh yeah one more thing heres my list of favorite movies,tv shows, board games ,video games and other gibberish.

Favorite movies: platoon, sniper, napoleon dynamite,clerks(1 and 2),breakfast club,fast times at ridgemonte high, Harold and kumar, bill and ted excellent adventure,a very brady sequel adventure,transformers the movie,anger management,not another teen movie, karate kid 1,2, rocky III, rocky balboa, home alone 1 and 2, problem child 1 and 2,chucky, nightmare on elm street (all of them),searching for bobby fischer,ferris buellers day off,the crow, ghostbusters,E.T., star wars(all of them), star trek(all movies) the lost boys,goonies,the outsiders,back to the future(1 and 2),a very brady sequel.last of the Mohicans,lord of the flies,stand by me,Goodwill hunting,searching for bobby fischer, Indiana jones,little nicky,Brewster millions,billy Madison,enter the dragon,dodgeball,hitch,therock,ratatouille and gremlins( all 3 movies).

Favorite childhood shows and current favorites; kung fu,sledgehammer,bewitched,zoobilee zoo,gomer pyle,adventures of pete and pete,saved by the bell,the transformers,king of queens, the honeymooners,Seinfeld,the Bernie mac show smurfs,transformers,gi joe,get along gang,pacman, the shirt-tales, force five, Mindfreaks,starblazers,voltron,beavis and butthead, Webster, punky Brewster,different strokes, all in the family, baby looney tunes, batman:animated adventures, teenwolf,snorks,doug,rugrats,spongebob,malcom in the middle,smallville, Garfield and friends,rugrats,supernatural,everbody loves Raymond, Johny zero, last comic standing( seasons 2 and 3),the littles,Alvin and the chipmunks, heathcliff,wait till your father gets home, mr.belvidere,home improvement,dennis the menace,little archie, yogibear,flinstones,aqua hunger teen force, reno911,chappelle show, you cant do that on television, heman and the masters of the universe,gobots,ducktales,silver spoons, chip and dale, the Charlie brown show,alf, fat albert,the munsters,leave it to beaver, spiderman and his amazing friends,bewitched,teenage mutant ninja turtles, Kirby, dragonball z, battle of the planets,muppet babies, the muppets,Richie rich, angel,buffy the vampire slayer,stargate, family ties,wonder years,the highlander,airwolf,hey Arnold,knightrider,family guy,facts of life,happy days,Baywatch, parker lewis cant lose,brady bunch, life goes on,tour of duty,thundercats,alice,golden girls,Sanford and son,happy days,one day at time,facts of life,the fall guy,welcome back kotter, threes company,perfect strangers,mask,ghostbuster,growing pains,I love lucy,whos the boss,small wonder,Kirby,dragonball z,avatar,alf,quantum leap,Laverne and Shirley,simpsons,I think I should stop now cause ive got like a 100 more shows lol.

Favorite board games: operation,life, battleship,chess,chutes and ladders,hungry hungry hippo, mouse trap and of course chess!!!.

Favorite music bands: skid row( 18 and life), def leppard, toto,motley crue,poison,guns and roses,bon jovi,warrant, van halen, Madonna, new kids on the block(just joking )whitesnake,nirvana, Duran Duran,pink floyd.

Best song: ordinary world(duran duran),Africa(toto). House of fire(Alice Cooper)

Best tv show theme song: welcome back kotter, adventures of pete and pete,dukes of hazard.

Favorite sport: tetherball and dodgeball lol

Favorite wrestlers : curt henning,randy savage,raven,Hulk Hogan, owen hart,kurt angle,the rock.

Favorite cereals:cocoa pebbles,cocoa puffs, count chocula,golden grams,apple jacks.

Favorite gum: bazooka joe grape, great tasting gum, comes with a a comic and tells your fortune ,what can ask more from a gum. lol

Favorite movie and tv characters: Bruce lee,master,Quinn Mallory,Po,Gizmo,gonzo,slimer(ghostbusters)fozzie bear,gargamel,archie bunker, boom boom Washington,juan Epstein,alf, AC slater,ferris bueller, zach morris,angel,spongebob,Charlie brown,Duncan mcleod brainysmurf,spiderman,macgyver,Donald duck,Winnie the pooh,tigger,jughead jones, sam and dean Winchester(supernatural) lex luthor(smallville), green arrow ,Michael knight(smallville),jeff spicolli,batman, randall (clerks)kara(smallville),destro,cobra commander, white shadow,major blood,pete and pete,endless mike,batman,roscoe Coltrane,orko,daisy dukes.

Favorite transformers: starscream,galvatron,megatron,stunticons,aerialbots,dinobots,combaticons,omega supreme,shockwave,soundwave,cyclonus,rumble.

Favorite romantic things to do: I know this gonna sound lame, but I think cuddling up with someone on a couch with a cup of hot chocolate , watching a movie or Saturday cartoons together is romantic, otherwise nothing beats a walk on the beach followed with a picnic,or a hot air ballon ride. Oh yeah this might not be so romantic but it would be cool to go to a magic workshop with someone and learn to to do magic together. You know practice with each other.

All time favorite video games: animal crossing( this game totally cracks me up :)
Mike tysons punch out,Zelda,castlevania, super mario3, tecmo bowl,san andreas,tekken 5,Grand theft auto 4.

By the way does anyone remember lasertag and photon?

Also does anyone remember collecting garbagepail kids?

Also does anyone remember teddy ruxpin?

Hey anyone have or had the smurfs pvc’s?( the little plastic smurfs) I remember playing with them and along with the transformers,gi joe,he-man toys , they rocked!!!!!!!!!

Slinkys also kick ass!!!

Smurfs or snorks?

Vinny Barbarino or Fonzie?

Bo Duke or Luke Duke?

Kitt or General Lee?

Anyone ever solve Rubicks cube?.... I know obviously theres a trick to it … the only trick I know is peeling off the stickers and placing them back on..lol!

Who do you think got higher SAT scores Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steve Urkel?

Anyone besides me wants to see NBC bring back Alf?... I have all the seasons on dvd and I tell you he’s one frickin funny dude?

Oh one more thing did anyone remember trying to break dance back in the day? … I remember getting an empty cardboard box and trying to spin on my head all while listening to a big stereo system.… lol

There are few times when I truly have no words upon seeing a Craigslist ad, but this is one of those times. The best part? This guy posts a variation on this ad at least once a week in different cities around Louisiana.

god-like animal seeks queen - 45 (Central Ames)

2009-02-25T16:41:00.002-05:00

I am definitely not your average frat boy. I am 5'1", 350lbs and loving life. I would like to meet a girl who is good-looking, intelligent, and willing to slather tubs of butter on my tummy while I eat some chicken wings and read Mad Magazine. No, this is not a joke, please do not judge my habits until you have had the pleasure of meeting me. Also I will NOT shave my neck beard for you, that is just something you will have to get used to. Must be willing to put out on the first date and be okay with eating out for several hours (the food type, not the vagina type, that's gross).

Sorry, bear. I'm judging you. However, I would have thought twice about that judging had you not implied that vaginas are gross.

Douche Bag (All over)

2009-02-25T16:36:00.002-05:00

What up b$%^hes? Ya, Im talking to you! Are you just getting over someone and need a rebound? Or maybe you dont mind having some guy walk all over you. I can be that person. Im looking for a girl to support my drinking habit and possibly slap around a little. Stop being lonely and get out of that crappy dump you call an apartment. Enough fun for now. Im using this site for an experament to see what junk mail people send through craigslist. I bet some people dont even read these. So if you want to buy my drinks and take care of me, hit me up. Oh yeah, people with brats need not apply. Thanks.

Anybody wanna "experament" with this douche?

Must be Country - 21 (close enough)

2009-02-21T02:21:00.002-05:00

About me: I am 21 SWM. Born again, if your not thats no good. I am a redneck. LOVE MUSIC! Love driving ford trucks. I still party, love a good fire. Drink a bit, chew once in a while, smoke when i feel like it, no drugs. I hunt and fish 24/7. I have my own place, a job and a car. Good looking, always wear a hat and blue jeans. Very laid back. Love a good laugh. I have pics.

About you: between 20 and 26, drug free, kid free, no drama, born again, country girl, no bbw's plz, decent looking or better, high school grad, can bait your own hook when fishing.

Please respond with pic, and tell me a bit about yourself. If responding with out a pic impress me with your wit.

LOOKING FOR AMAZING GIRL TO HAVE AMAZING TIMES WITH - 27 (Wheaton)

2009-02-16T00:09:00.002-05:00

please include picture when you email me so i know who im talking to. fyi- from what i think and what people say i look way better in person then in pictures.
myspace.com/send__me_an__angel Hey I'm KEVIN i just bought a condo in wheaton a year ago and thats where im currently living. I work for everything i have. I like to make people laugh and have a great time no matter where I am or what im doing and don't let anything get in the way. Im really sarcastic, and love to joke around ,but can be serious when its time.I love to see people smile because its the greatest feeling in the world. i love to play guitar and listen to music. I also love to write and put my feelings into words and songs . I hope to one day make it in music and share my words and feelings with the world because some sing songs others sing life. i like to travel and take pictures and i want to see the world and make it a better place cause when i leave this earth i want to know i left it a better place. im that guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... im the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her" someone who isnt stuck up and judges people. dont be upset and say there are no good guys out there when all you look at is looks. your not going to find a guy with a nice body and great personality so either change who you are looking for or dont complain about there not being any good guys out there. guys with muscles are trying to compensate for something else.if you want someone to treat you amazing and have a great time with im that guy. most guys want to just get in your pants, where im the guy who wants to get inside your heart and in you soul. im the guy who believes in finding that true love, and that story book ending. i want to build and start a strong and long lasting relationship ,I'm seeking a serious long term relationship Someone special to capture my heart and knows how to handle it with care, one who will cherish me and be willing to share life's greatest joys and sorrows. Someone who's willing to love me unconditionally, whom is kind, sincere, honest, passionate, loyal, sense of humor, loving and wants a lifetime of passion. That one true love should be your world and nothing else should matter ,but being with them. i want to meet the girl of my dreams. i want someone to make so happy and have them make me happy back. I want her to be honest and truthful to me and talk to me about problems and become stronger with each other, so we can grow closer together. i want someone who is like, "this is who i am and this is who I'm going to be years from now", i don't want someone who puts on a act to get me to like them, then changes and shows who they really are. i just want someone who going to be there through the bad and good times. whether i have 1 million dollars or 1 dollar. i may not have a lot of money like some people but i have the heart and thats what matters in the end because money can't buy love or happiness or solve problems or make you happy. my heart and who i am will make you more happy then all the money in the world. love out lasts everything. love is doing what the other person likes to do even if you don't like what they like. just being with them would be all that matters. i don't want a high maintance girl or someone who lets possessions and money take over there life.I'm not rich and probably never will be,but its fine with me cause im happy no matter what. she has to live by the moment. like if its raining go out with me in the rain and dance and not care about getting wet or sick. the moment and memory in itself would last forever. i want someone who wants to make a difference in the world and thinks about other people not just themselves. someone who wants to help the unfortunate and change peoples lives.someone who has the heart of gold and is going to stand by me and be my other half through better or worse. i believe your suppose to meet people at certain times in your life and you just don't know why. it sucks but at the same time its kinda interesting. i believe people can take so many different paths and depending on there path is how there life turns out. anybody can be your true love and your destiny thats why i don't pass up meeting people or going places.if a girl is pretty but is a horrible person on the inside then she is ugly to me. i try and keep the true people in my life cause those are the people who are there for you when you need it. when i meet people i show them who i am and if they aren't interested i wouldn't care because i would want them to like me for who I'am and not for who I'm not and if someone doesn't give me a chance, then they are missing out on someone special who would change there life.whenever i go out i make the day amazing no matter who I'm with and just want to make a girls life amazing. I've been through a lot , but you learn from all of it and become a stronger person and when a relationship ends it means you have that much more love to give someone else. I'm not going to settle for something i don't deserve. there is just to many girls out there that would treat me amazing. you just have to let them come into your life.i just want a girl to make happy and have so many amazing memories and make her laugh 24-7 and have her do the same back. no more fights,drama,cheating,lies or anything else. i just totally believe in fate and that person will just come into your life if you believe,but in order for you to love someone you have to love yourself. You have to win my heart before you can win my soul. Possessions and money are short term happiness but being with the person you love is long term happiness. This is what i think a real relationship is. When you have a problem or a fight you should solve the problem together and become stronger. A relationship takes work but in the end its all worth it. Instead of growing apart you need to grow together, but you have to be willing to communicate, sacrifice and compromise to make it work. All the good memories should overshadow the bad ones. No relationship is perfect and you have to look at the stuff that the person has done for you rather then all the stuff they didn't. If you truly love someone nothing should get in the way and that takes work, strength and heart. Actions speak louder then words and you have to show you care not just say it. Treat that person you love perfect, show them you care and be nice to them, otherwise one day they will be gone.if you see your faults and problems and change them then things get better. its whether you see your problems and faults and change and i'm willing to change and you have faults and problem that you need to work on too and if your willing to change and work on them then you have a great future. A lot of times you don't realize what you lost till you lose it and a relationship isn't a relationship if you hide anything from them, lie to them or cheat on them. Never listen to other people about a relationship, just take advice, and follow your heart. If you truly love someone you will try til the very end to be with them and thats true love otherwise you never did love them because you don't give up on love. When someone stops caring and seeing you, your heart will tell you when to let go, but you have to even if you don't want too and move on and become stronger and that will mean you have that much more love to give to the next person and remember actions speak louder then words. Never let go and follow your heart no matter where that might lead. "Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. " If love proves real and two people are meant to be together nothing can keep them-apart

Honestly, I didn't even try to read past the third word of the second line. It's too goddamn long to bother. Who does he think he is, Dostoevsky?

Randy looking for your love - 37 (Akron/Canton )

2009-02-15T17:14:00.002-05:00

Picture this a man 6'8 Just left the NBA and in Akron looking for love. Well that's not me I'm 6 feet tall 190 pounds all in the right places and looking for that real women that is looking for a good time, next a good friend, and later a great relationship. As you can tell I'm fun but more so I'm fun to be with. Your family and friends will like me be you will love me because I'm easy going and can fit with any crowd. I like going out to dance but I'm also great at just sitting around and having a great chat about current news. Me in one sentence is that I' m loveable squeezable and a whole lot of fun. So If you are alone on a friday night send for me.

I will sent you a photo when you send a photo.

Picture this a gurl just read ur ad and looking for love. Well, that's not me.

For future reference, I hope those posting in Akron won't continue to confuse 'sent' with 'send.' Judging from the postings in Akron and Canton, this seems to be a reoccurring problem. While only one letter is different, there is a great deal of difference between something that has already happened and something that will happen. Please bear this in mind in the future.

save me - 33

2009-02-12T12:06:00.002-05:00

Please save me!!!!
I don't want to be alone!!
Why should I die like this??
Save me??

Saddest Craigslist ad ever?

Awesomest Awesome Dudes that is also Awesome - 24 (Simsbury)

2009-02-11T16:47:00.002-05:00

Hello lady!

Oh, man, I feel so tacky. I can't believe I actually said that. Can you forgive me? I won't blame you if you can't. In fact, feel free to give me swift punches in the arm if you want.

But not my face. ...Not 'cause I'm too pretty to get in hit in the fact but 'cause it would really hurt a lot.

Okay, so I guess I should tell you about myself? Ah, well, let's see. I enjoy things that bring me satisfaction! Such as brownies, playing my guitar (poorly, but not by choice), teaching elementary school kids, nap time, frisbee, jogging early in the morning, sleeping in very late, more nap time, kissing pretty girls, video games, and tea. Oh, and being awesome as hard as I can.

If I had to describe myself, I would say that if Shaggy from Scooby Doo, Fry from Futurama, and JD from Scrubs had a kinky-three man-laden threeway, and somehow they all got pregant with the same baby (maybe they would each carry it for a trimester? Look... I didn't think this through, okay?) then I would be that baby.

Oh, and I'm also brilliant, gorgeous, daring, and adventurous, but... I'm also not very humble, so you probably shouldn't believe me.

I'm kind of open to any kind of lady, so if you're reading this and are as bored as I am, oh, and believe me, I am so very, very bored, then drop me a line! IM me on AIM if you have it, I'm on way too much. My screen name is badgood18.

There're a picture of me below. I hope you don't think I'm a super uggo, but I'll understand if you do. I've gotten 3 or 4 responses that are like 'hey- funny post.' Um, thanks, but that's kind of useless? It would be great if you would, I dunno, identify yourself in any means or way? Also, a picture wouldn't hurt, people.

Hope to hear from you soon! Or not, if you're a stalker.

PS - Don't be a stalker.

PPS - Okay, you can be a stalker, but only if you're crazy-hot. Like drop dead yowzah gorgeous kind of hot.

PPPS - Crap, was that sexist? It was, wasn't it?!? Dammit.

PPPPS - I'm not a sexist!

PPPPPS - Unless you think that thinking women should be barefoot and locked in a kitchen all day to bake pies is sexist. Then I'm sexist as hell!

PPPPPPS - I'm not! that was a lie. I didn't think this through very well.

PPPPPPPS - I'm really bad at thinking things through.

PPPPPPPPS - If you're still reading this, you are clearly my dream girl who will indulge me in all my various levels of insanity. Will you marry me?

Psst, kid - you're trying too hard.

I think this is one of the saddest Craigslist posts I've ever seen.

A Clean Limerick - 57

2009-02-11T16:39:00.002-05:00

There once was a man with a thought
To find a good woman he has sought
On a site he put up a posting
That was to include little boasting
To see what responses it brought.

Attractive, SM with good values and many interests

Oh no! More noetry! Many interests? Perhaps the poster should have included them in his post. Instead, he wrote the world's blandest limerick. Whoops!

Ignoble Deviled Egg Inquisitions Green Eggs & Ham Coquette - 29 (Disney)

2009-02-11T00:32:00.003-05:00

Are you a muse to Dr. Suess? I need you. I can't coagulate my deviled egg recipe without an indelible spitfire to help me create a counteractant to eliminate adult diaper rash and premature ejaculation. We can cohere on a platonic, quasi erotic or hyper enlightened level for jollity on a sporadic or periodic basis. Actually, I really have no idea what I need. A loutish coquette with mental and emotional balance, an enigmatic disposition and an affinity for getting moist down below at the slightest adumbration of copulation between two animate objects and the olfactory whiff of deviled eggs and pre-smoked ham would be sufficiently jubilant.

I like to matriculate sultry comestible nymphomaniacs. It sounds so delicious that I salivate at the notion of deviously inveigling you while slowing devouring a bucket of chicken. I gravitate towards pretty girls with cyber-sex addictions abstruse to free online forums. I optimistically contemplate the opportunity of making you laugh to the point of wetting yourself in public. Don't let my thralldom to vernacular discharge contradict my desire to obtain deeply spiritual or mutually enlightening relationships with lascivious wanna be gonzo pornstars and diabolic youtube video vixens. All I really ask is that you know how to make green eggs and lick ham. There's no need to tell me about how tired you are of reading ads without feeling the compulsion to rub yourself continuously moist and dumbed with phrenic euphoria.

It's true. I live in the modernist purgatory euphemistically called Chicago. I'm in my late 20's and I'm tall. I have a predilection for wet women. Call me an artist. I like drawing faces of dainty damsels and making them squirt with cachinnation at the exploitation of deviled eggs and the iridescence of processed foods, sex toys and edible clothing. Amenable coquettish quasi-harlots are encouraged to apply within...

It's like someone used a thesaurus, put their post into BabelFish translator, and then whipped out their thesaurus again. Genius?
Bonus points for using the word "phrenic" in a sentence, even if I'm not convinced that he used it correctly intentionally.

No dummies or Obama supporters - 35 (Baton Rouge)

2009-02-05T17:49:00.003-05:00

If you are dumb or voted for obama go screw yourself.

I want a nice and nasty girl who likes to cum so hard she squirts. I have a big one and Viagra, all night long baby, get back. I AM REAL.

I am so relieved that not only does he have a big one, but he has Viagra. THANK GOD. Also: J'aime his all-caps "HOW AM I NOT MYSELF???" declaration at the end.

Drama Driven Relatoinship - 30 (Baton Rouge)

2009-02-05T17:40:00.003-05:00

I’m seeking a like-minded woman with whom to share a disastrous 3 to 9 month relationship, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is James. I live in Baton Rouge, I’m 30 years old, fairly well educated, and I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise, and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing, and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the inevitable emotional breakdown of one or the other party - or, if we’re lucky, both!

You should:

be 25 to 35 years old;
have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex within the first minutes of meeting;
have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.
Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

with nice smiles;
who have larger than average breasts;
who are married or already in unstable relationships;
who drink to forget; and
who have had a previous established diagnosis of borderline or dependent personality disorder or bipolar affective disorder - or who are currently taking lithium carbonate, SSRIs, or tricyclic antidepressants.

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best

Ironic Craigslist posts FTW

This man is a dream.

All l need is you baby cum to me - 29 (Taylor)

2009-02-04T22:29:00.003-05:00

Hi, I am Anton and I live in Taylor but from Africa. I'm 5'4 and weight 170. I been in Michigan for about ten years. I looking for her a girlfriend that is kind and understanding and is not out for one thing. I love music and movies, and I'm love Doctor you know what I mean. I am looking for girlfriend that I will give my love, if that's you look me up and Thanks for reading, I hope i will hear from you, have a great day.

I believe that this ad sends mixed messages - he's not interested in girls who are just looking for one thing, and yet the title for this ad appeals to only that select group. Methinks Anton is a wee bit conflicted.

PS "love doctors" never go out of style.

NO WAY! I, Yes I got eliminated in the final round... - 25 (it's almost my Birthday)

2009-02-04T22:26:00.002-05:00

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

"You have just reached the profile of...

*Insert Dramatic Pause to Enhance the Effect of the Upcomming exaggeration*

...The Sexiest, Funniest, and most Intellectually Stimulating Guy on the planet!"
so only cool people please :)

I am a natural Leader and Motivator, I don't really try to be...I just gravitate to that role amongst my circles of friends. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AND SMILE...(i'm not sure, did I stress that part enough?)

Keeping healthy and in great shape is a very important part of my career, I throroughly enjoy teaching and helping others improve themselves Physically, Mentally, and even Spritually. In teaching others I often end up teaching myself things that I didn't realize I knew, cool sh*teh? ^_^

I prefer to keep active, I enjoy setting goals and working towards them both mentally and physically, it just gives me a great feeling of satisfaction when I accomplished what I set my mind on. I'm always growing and learning about myself.

Vegetarian
Artistic
Creative
Insightful
Athlete
Compasionate
Dreamer
Eternal

About Who I'd like to meet:
I've been with some amazing girls in my life and do not regret meeting any of them and I am most definately looking forward to meeting more great women. I'm looking for a girl who has as much humor and confidence as I do however if you resemble the Yetti or something, it probably wouldn't work out for us....I totally adore chatting with girls about love, life, and philosophical ideas and I have a soft spot for girls that are not only beautiful but have the intelligence to at least carry on a fun conversation!

Now if you're taller than Yao ming or out weigh me...don't message me I'm scared of chicks like that.

Maybe it's because I'm German and Lithuanian I don't know but I'm totally into Northern/ N. Eastern European girls even though I know they are trouble :D

Short girls are just Awesome! I love how I feel like I'm protecting them when I put my arms around them and they just seem to dissapear in my embrace, I usually am attracted to dark hair but every now and then a blonde will surprise me.

OMG...Do you know what's really sexy, a female with a fully functional brain! (please don't be afraid to read the instruction manual pay attention to sections 2.4b - 3.1c on Sense of Humor, Spontenuity, Having fun, Optimism, and Self Respect)

"I do realize that I'm really picky, but I i figgure - Why not? I think I totally deserve somone great, don't you? =) Send me a message! let's Talk!" First DateA moonlight walk to McDonald's for some apple pie and hot chocolate, then anal sex behind the dumpster.

Nah that's more of a 2nd date hehe...serioulsy It really depends on what the person likes, but I think most first dates should be doing something that's fun and slighty active, it kind of takes the nervousness away and limits any awkward silences that can happen if you do the traditional Dinner with someone you don't know very well. If all goes well and there's a good vibe then we've worked up an appetite and have a bit more comfort built up for sitting down and talking over something delicious :)

responses that are intriguing will get a normal pic of me :) sending a picture is a plus...i like to know who i'm talking to...and I'll respond to everyone! haha except Gay guys saying nice abs lol

Sounds like an ideal second/first date to me.

I bet you are fucking awful ;) ;) - 23 (Chicago)

2009-02-03T11:21:00.004-05:00

Really, I bet you're terrible. You have dependency issues, you like bad music, you aren't very funny. You probably have an annoying laugh. I bet you do.

WELL HEY, MOVE ON LOLOLOLOL this ad is only for SILLY GEESE

If you think eight equals equals equals equals a capitol D is hysterical and love making racial humor in the south side ( really, the upside ;) ) then HOLD ON TO YOUR KEYBOARDS! I'm the guy for you.

Look I dont want your A S L, I just want to know if you're ready for a guy who wants to hit it, quit it, admit it, and then remit on it.

s2r (kisses and hugz lol)

Here is a pic for you lovely ladies, PLEASE THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME TO GO AROUND (lol but I'll take two ;) )

(no really I'm a one woman man)

((but I'll take another man ;) )

(wait that's bad news for my anus)

:(

(((I really love music and if you have a ZiP drive we can swap tunez)))

ATTACHED IS A PIC of Collin Firth some say I look like him but then again some say the holocaust happened and we cant really believe them ;)

Linda w/ Blue Eyes is HOT! - 48 (SE Iowa)

2009-02-02T00:12:00.003-05:00

I have seen you on "Hot or Not" and I think you are definetly Hot! But more importantly I think we have a lot of common interests. I love music and think that is important in our life and religion. I would like to have a friend that would enjoy a drive on the California coast. I like to sing. I am a great garden helper (operate tillers, build arches for climbing vines, install watering systems, etc). I enjoy historcal buildings. I enjoy theater and look forward to a trip to NYC someday. I enjoy theater music also. And I love to travel. And there are many more, so I hope we can talk.

Seriously? He saw her on Hot or Not? Is there a space on Hot or Not where one discusses their interests outside of being rated on their physical attractiveness by strangers trolling the internets? I wasn't even aware.

lADIES, HANDSOME LIVE IN LOVER AVAILALBE - 28 (nEW oRLEANS)

2009-01-30T00:50:00.002-05:00

Posted at 4:38 on January 29, 2009:
mY NAME IS bO. i AM SEEKING A FEMALE TO MOVE IN WITH. rACE, i MA READY TO MAKE YOU GO ooohhh!!!!

Posted at 5:15 on January 29, 2009:
Is it just me or is he ugly?

One reason to date Bob Crunder - 27 (new orleans, la)

2009-01-30T00:37:00.004-05:00

He will let you ride his big cock!!!!

Reasons to love this post:
1) Bob Crunder is a man who doesn't understand the embarrassment inherent in advertising for sex on Craigslist
2) Bob Crunder is proud of his big cock, and isn't afraid to let the public know, via these delightful things we call the internets
3) Judging from the picture Bob Crunder posted, he does in fact have a huge cock.

Bob Crunder in you in '09!

Gorgeous REAL Artist searching for IMAGINARY 'Model type Female' (Art Studio)

2009-01-28T21:44:00.001-05:00

REMEMBER, You are IMAGINARY, not real. So, I'm going ALL OUT on this post for my 'Model type Female' who happens to love painters. Yes, I am a painter/artist...I haven't 'milked' that one for all it's worth...yet. I digress...

My IMAGINARY 'Model Type Female':You are between 5ft. 3 and 5ft. 10. Slender, Petite, Average, with a sense of flare. You have healthy beautiful long or short stylish/chic/hip hair. You have beautiful/penetrating eyes. Pouty French lips. High cheek bones (of course). Dress HIP and CLASSY (a cross between Audrey Hepburn, Sade, Hip skater chick, Heroin chic model, and this chick I never 'met' from CL). You know who you are? You can look great in classy 1960's dress, hot in a hoodie, beautiful with or without makeup. Keep this in mind however, you're not real. Just trying to get you back into reality.

You must like Art Art Art and Art. And not the following type of art (you know), like someone who paints Unicorns or Sunsets. And, when you say you're into the Velvet Underground or Generation X, you actually listen to these bands at home or in your car. Oh yes, you can love Death Cab, and all of those new glorious bands with lyrics that inspire (I like the new lyricists).

I LOVE YOU IMAGINARY FEMALE:)

Sincerely,

Moi

FREE BEER!!!!!!!!!! - 25

2009-01-28T01:37:00.000-05:00

I am dying of boredom tonight so I thought I'd toss up a post, besides what greater way to spend a Tuesday evening than posting to the bottom feeding site of the online dating world, but I haven't reached the point where I'm ready to pay to post a profile to engage in what will likely be meaningless coversation. Anyways, although I've clearly set the bar low, I can't wait to hear from you.

What I offer: Hmmmmmmm, that's a tricky one. In the event we proceed to the next level, the upside is you will get a free beer out of it. That said, the downside may be you walking away from the experience saying "well that was just not worth the free beer." In all seriousness, I think I'm a pretty decent guy, I have a job so thats a plus (especially given the current economic hole we have dug ourselves here), I'm pretty heavy on the sarcasm, and I'd put my money on you staying for the second beer.

Since I played the clever little pic trick, I'll give you a brief description to entice your curiousity until we go through the whole pic exchange. I am about 5'2, 345lbs, and.......wait...wait thats not right. I'm actualy about 6 foot 185lbs, brn hair, brn eyes, white. I'd say pretty much your average dude.

Anyways, cure me of my Tuesday boredom and hit me back.

Single white Young man looking for the love of hisl ife.Got a poem 4 u - 23 (Chicago)

2009-01-26T15:59:00.001-05:00

Hoping to find someone honest, easy going and looking for something true... Im sweet honest guy who just wants that person to be there for me and the other way around... Some stuff about me i was in army did my time did some college thing... Org from SA grew up in Chicago thing...If you want to find out more just email me please thank you cheers...picture is of slipper and next one is and the last one is me and my niece...Poem for all you ladys to understand my heart...

My clumsy heart has two left feet
It always trips when I see you
It starts to race and skip a beat
My clumsy heart has two left feet
It's starting now to feel the heat
Because of all the things you do
My clumsy heart has two left feet
It always trips when I see you 0_o...

Bad poetry? Oh, noetry!

I'm a Bed Wetter. - 26

2009-01-23T21:45:00.000-05:00

I live at home with my parents in suburbs and we have goats and could possibly work out a trade for your very young lady daughter for marriage? About me I am young and obviously in very good health. I am outgoing and spontaneous, sometimes I yell profanities out for no reason and surprise even myself. I have lump in neck and shoulder and doctor say they should go away soon but also maybe never. I do not know this is confusing to me. You will have comfort time sleeping next to me as I do not snore but sometimes I pee. In tickling me I may poop as well. I am not foreign I am just not well with words or also with babies and have intense fear of this mysterious 'clitaurus' as it sound very primitive and angry.

I am looking for only the best woman who look like Jessica Alba or the lovely Rosie O'Donnel. Please only reply if attach a picture. Thank you for your kind words.

Reconnaissance of the Pastel Psychokinetic Polysyllabic Nymphomaniac - 29 (Chicago)

2009-01-23T00:18:00.002-05:00

dear secluded craigslist nymphomaniac,

i was adrift in a psychedelic wonderland distant and misanthropically content, but to my delight in a surreal artist state i consumed an abstraction to exigently post a diatribe in a free online forum dazzled with prolixities unbeknownst to the common cyberspace fluff bunny. nonetheless, destined to antagonize me with factoids discovered with perilous surreption from some ominous online peregrination or irrelevant source of badinage.

i understand my pastel psychokinetic polysyllabic nymphomaniac cyberspace heroine presupposed all this while magnanimously perusing craigslist in between wondering why she can't find herself a good man. fear not, i'm the lizard king and hopefully you're not another xenophobic, apathetic fascist who displays nepotism for all that isn't affluent by corporate constructed contrivance. i digress...i'm still dubious as well. i'm not too impressed at the idea you could be some anti-aesthetic form of human life classified as: bbw or fat. or perhaps lacking a reverence for a modern infrastructure that would allow you to co-exist, or subsist on some arboretum in a fabricated urban reflection transparent to everyone but you.

nonetheless, i cannot ignore my desire to seduce you indubitably with lack of judgment. alas, i save the greatest for dessert my pastel psychokinetic nymphomaniac polysyllabic cyberspace heroine. also, please forgive my idiosyncratic predilection for nymphs who allow me indulge my fetish for pastel coated easter eggs. they may become a reoccurring theme.

I've Been Ditched on valentines Day! - 23 (GR)

2009-01-22T00:51:00.003-05:00

Okay...so..My long distance girlfriend ditched me for Valentines Day. Instead she is hanging out with her mom and aunt.

I was planning on naming a star after her. Then, after telling her I was too busy to see her that weekend, I was going to drive eleven hours and surprise her. Now I'm stuck with no one to go out with on V-Day and a borrowed telescope in my trunk. Needless to say, I. Am. Furious.

I am looking for someone that I can friend on Facebook who is hot. We go out, have a good time, and take plenty of pictures. The next day we post and tag them. This a) prevents me from sitting around on Valentines Day in my underwear, and b) teaches her a lesson for ditching me without even consulting me first.

Anticipating your questions...yes, I am emotionally scarred. No, I do not care. Lastly...yes, I am serious. Send pics, maybe a name to look up on facebook.

Wow. That girl is lucky that she backed out of Valentine's Day with this guy. His plans were almost as cliche as this picture:

"Husband Material Here... haha physch just kidding" - 30 (London, UK)

2009-01-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

Here's a little bit about me.
-------------------------------

I'm a work hard, play hard kind of guy. I like entertainment, in fact, i'm ****ing passionate about entertainment.

I have a passion for achieving....I'm a doer not a talker.

Califonication, 30 rock and Heroes are ****ing awesome. Eastenders, Coronation Street and Hollyoaks’s are illustrations of how to not live your life.

I don't believe in God, but I believe that my God has a sense of humor. Picture this, he likes to think of me as a cat, places bundles of string in front of me and gets me to chase it getting closer and closer each time but never quite reaching it. I don't believe that people are good or bad...people are just people. I hope that you're *cough* good and bad ;)

I don't believe in taking advantage of people...except if they're religious and instant on giving you free hot chocolate.

What I'm Looking for
--------------------
Though I'm seeking a relationship, I'd rather 'hangout' first...I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not so easy, I need to socialized and wined and dined first. So are you a good cook? lol.

I'm not quite that intense. But if you're not fun, interesting and feminine I'm not interested. Oh! You must have a SMILE to die for.

I'm looking for a kick ass, cool, fun and interesting girl. Pretty, but not necessarily a page 3 figure (though that would be nice) ;).

Above all, you must be able to pass this test (select one from each):

1) Cappuccino or hot chocalote?
2) Hagen Daze or Ben & Jerry’s?
3) Sweet or savory?
4) Bars or clubs?
5) MSN, Facebook, email, phone or Face to face?

What I'm NOT Looking For
--------------------

- You wear a baseball cap, use the phrase "init", "safe" or "yeh man" or self styled 'IT' girls....then you can forget it I'm looking for a more classy girl.

- An "online buddy"...I have REAL LIFE friends

- A whale, wilder beast , common' cut out the crap

- A rake, a girl needs a figure

Could be Interesting
--------------------
The reality is you and I would probably never get along. I wouldn't take your sh*t- and you wouldn't take my shit. And that’s precisely why it could work. ;-)

Want to meet up?
----------------

Anyhow, if you think that you' like to meet up take the test and I'll take it from there if you pass.

First Date
Just imagine. We meet up for drink (yeah a drink is my first choice, that way if you turn out to be a dancing monkey or a wilder beast - I can 'go to the toilet' and never return...you girls know how it works!). It's a little bit difficult in terms of conversation at first - but the excitement thrills you. Our conversation is light - but fun, casual but exciting - we just seem to have so much to talk about.

You tell me about the pet rabbit you used to own, and I tell you about the time I worked at a rabbit processing plant. *whack on arm*

You tell me about the time you were talking to some old guy on a train and he fell asleep on you...and you look at me, and I'm sound asleep ;) - okay so I'm a little bit of a tease ;)

I tell you about the time I ran when a guy showed up pretending to be a girl I met online. Then, I tell you about the time I met the fat & skinny Elvis in Vegas (guess which one the girls liked?)

The conversation is fun, but engaging.

I ask you if you're spontaneous...to which you reply, you are.

We walk out the bar arm in arm and take a random bus to a random destination...we take it from there.

I await your response,

Luke

email/coffee/kisses/sex/ltr/marriage/babies/death/reincarnation/email (where wine exits your nose from laughing)

2009-01-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

You can't dance with a scary 400 pound gorilla and not expect to come out it with a smashed toe or two. But it's a helluva' dance and this ape would climb the Empire State Building and swat at planes for the right girl.

Leakey is digging under the wrong tree trying to find that 'missing link' between ape and man that thrust him from his four legged pre-consciousness to his near divine two legged sapienhood. It was the four legged creature's chivalrous attempt to get Lucy's attention. He lifted himself off his fours, and handed her a honey ant. Chivalry is the driving force behind evolution. If it weren't for roses and sonnets we'd be still swimming in the primeval ooze.

If I weren't so chivalrous and refined a gentleman, this is what my
personal ad would say...

Listen up ladies, you've got a snowballs chance in hell in finding your soulmate comedian through online dating. That takes divine intervention and your selfish life hasn't really been a paradigm of selfless compassion to invoke the Hand of Providence. So you're gonna' have to turn Mother Teresa and pray a lot or you're gonna' have to settle for less than that 6'2", 12" pecker, 6 pack abs, male model good looks, emotionally committed, financially stable, great sense of humor, sensitive man you've been holding out for. Forget about giving him your precious virginity -- you gave that to some loser long ago because you were horny and impatient. You have a better chance of meeting the Easter bunny than this superficial shmuck who was already bagged by his high school sweetheart and commutes from his Long Island starter home to a job he
hates and comes home exhausted to a woman he's learning to hate.

So settle for this -- and I will put it in the crassest terms:

5'8", a few extra pounds, easy on the eyes, wit and intelligence that can truly take on the best of them, a poetic, soulful creative soul, a tattoo or two, lots of fucking baggage (yes, there was life before you), immaturity, a sense of adventure that's taken him to near one hundred countries, family oriented, spiritual -- not just in easy words but in actual acts of benevolence and self-sacrifice, a genuine belief in God, 2 PhD's ABD (All But Dissertation -- who has fucking time to finish these things), MA, MBMgmt, loads of awards, moments or sheer genius and absolute stupidity, strength -- physical and of character, and here's the kicker that will leave you breathless: an average income of $XXX,XXX a year. I think I finally got your attention ladies, because escort or prima donna, girl next door or dominatrix, gold-digger or heart of gold, we're all interested in security. Despite our promising careers we all
want to be taken care of like daddy used to take care of us. So secure in the knowledge that I can Dolce & Gabbana your asses from here to eternity, take you anywhere in the world on a whim, stay in 5 star hotels, eat in ZAGAT's top restaurants, get you a fucking maid so you never have to clean or do laundry, get you a personal trainer to keep you looking great, and when gravity takes its toll, pay for botox, lipo, face lifts, implants, eye jobs, ectoscopic forehead lifts and whatever the fuck you need to look good forever. That fantasy shmuck of yours can't do that. Ever.

And one more thing, I will worship the ground you walk on. And bring you fulfillment.

Listen to your mom -- settle already and give her the grandchildren
she's been bugging you about and so richly deserves after putting up with her
picky, ungrateful daughter all these years.

But alas I am a refined and proper man and can never say what's really
on my mind.
Do I detect a smile? A girlish giggle or two. Can I be your funnybone?

But beware of:
CYBER-FUCKING-BULLSHIT

In this tangled web of 'perfection' I tip my hat
To those 'hotties' out there, not a single one fat.
Don't get upset, just decipher the code
And you'll learn to distinguish the truth from a 'load'....

Twenty pounds overweight is simply called 'average'
30 pounds deliciously 'thick',
40 is 'voluptuous'
And 50 pounds, 'fit as a brick'.
60 is 'Ruebenesque",
70 'an hourglass figure',
80 pounds, 'a full-bodied woman' --
And believe it or not, God, their asses get bigger!

Not only do the women lie:
'Outgoing men' are truly shy,
'Generous gentlemen', tight as a Jew,
'Communicative' chaps don't listen to you.
'Six feet tall' is five feet eight,
'Twenty nine' more like forty-eight
The 'love to travel, 'cultured', 'sophisticated' men
Have their butts glued to their E.Z. chairs and E.S.P.N.

Let's take it as a given we're both big fat liars,
Flawed, self-deluded, and short on prime buyers.
So let's get together, bitch, moan and piss
I just may be the fuck-up you won't wanna' miss.

YOU: ideally: 22-29; timeless beauty (in/out/sideways/birdseye view);
witty and wild; can stifle the Krakatoic rumblings of your womb for 5 years or can do without the fucking monsters altogether; don't need Google to follow me;
creative; wants to see 100+ countries; ticklish; can laugh at yourself; jaded but not cynical; need help with your G-spot; spend less than 1/8 of your life on a fucking cell phone; makes more than reservations for dinner; your booty's not so big as to warrant its own zipcode but I don't want one of those boney ass bitches neither; you're willing to be tattooed; you'll try anything once -- and twice if I tell you it's healthy; you know the wealth of a person has little to do with money; passionate; mysterious; have childlike curiosity; enjoy refreshing honesty; are a muse and enjoy reading poetry in bed; walk upright; know at least 18 slang phrases for sex; don't smoke(near me at least); know the sexiest and most erotic thing about any man is his hot, throbbing brain

ME: your fucking nemesis, soulmate, funnybone, worshipper, protector, the cool dude you've been holding out for, that whore in the kitchen and gourmet in the bedroom, milk moustache and Don Juan with a Djembe drum belly

THEM: ahhh, fuck'em

INAUGURATION EDITION PART II

2009-01-21T02:25:00.003-05:00

Who voted for Hilary? - 18 (Chicago)

So how many of you girls voted for Hilary?

I'm happy with Obama but something in me still wants too see another Clinton administration.

If you feel this way you should probably message me.

See ya.

Jewish Man Looking for an Attractive Jewish Girl - 23 (Upper East Side)

I'm looking to date an attractive girl around my age in my area. You don't have to be Jewish to answer this ad, but it will help if you want to hear back from me. I enjoy going to restaurants, movies, museums, and WWF Wrestlemania when it's in town. Please include a picture in your response, preferably a picture of yourself. Here is a picture of me with international musical sensation Quincy Jones (yes, I did have one too many drinks when this photo was taken as I am a lightweight). And the other is George Bush and I.

Traditional, fun-loving, intellectual, boyish male seeks date. - 32 (Conshohocken, PA)

I'm a single male, 32 years old, 6 feet tall, 180 lbs., brown hair, hazel eyes, boyish-looking, non-smoker and non-drinker. I studied computer science and moved from northeastern PA to the Philly suburbs to work as a computer programmer a few years ago. I am qualified to join the high IQ society Mensa based on my test scores and intend to join shortly. Because I am an intelligent, logical thinker, I'm naturally a Republican. I campaigned door-to-door for John McCain and hope to work triply hard to get Sarah Palin elected president in 2012. I believe the liberal obsession with so-called "tolerance" is leading to an "anything goes" attitude that carries with it the devastation of the healthy, traditional values that have made the U.S. the greatest country on earth. As I write this I see an ad from a man who says he's looking for a girl to smoke pot with while he celebrates the Obama inauguration. What more do you need to know to decide where you stand in this very morally challenged country? I believe abortion is murder and the death penalty is justice. I believe a war for democracy is more honorable than making peace with a dictator. I'm not religiously devout or observant, which makes me less of a fanatical zealot than most Democrat activists. My favorite decades are the 1950s and the 1980s.

WALL-E was far and away my favorite movie of 2008 and of the past several years. Other recent favorites include Peter Jackson's King Kong, 40-year-old Virgin and Spider-Man 2. I have absolutely no interest in watching or discussing sports. I watch the O'Reilly Factor as much as possible and expect any girl I'm with to enjoy watching it with me.

I DONT LOOK LIKE MCCAIN - 32 (LA)

PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME. (NORMAL AND WHITE MAN WITH DOG & 2 CATS)

INAUGURATION EDITION

2009-01-21T01:46:00.003-05:00

Obama Supporter Seeking Entreprenuer W/F With HOPE - 53 (Caledonia)

You only have one life, will you waste MOST ALL of it waiting for "Mr. Right"?

Is your image of Mr. Right someone who spends money and takes you out for "an evening" of entertainment, or is "he" the kind of guy that is there morning noon and night for you, making every waking moment enjoyable?

You've had enough "bad relations" and not enough solid, regular involvement or attentions. The kind of connection you can feel even when away from each other.

Are you bold enough to take your share of a "Mr. Right" if offered?

Well, I'm being offered to one of you, by someone who is like you. Loving, honest and willing to share me with you, in exchange for the friendship and love you bring. (If you're thinking a sex-tryst - you're sadly mistaken - she's straight and so are you!) Do you want to try something different that is more safe, secure and wholesome than you might think at first. Are you afraid of what people may think (who cares if it's what we want together?) If you're afraid of something here, then you are not ready for me. I have nothing in my life or behavior that will ever hurt you. You see, I may be the father of three grown women, and grandfather to 2 adorable"angels" - and respected for who I am and the good things about me.

Long term, genuine, honest, "down to earth", no "head games" type of man. I'm still waiting for a woman with guts enough to take a chance. To get involved with someone brighter than the dim bulbs we seem to have for men in this world.

I consider myself to be a "woman's man" - considerate, happy, respectful, upbeat, helpful, chivalrous, sensual, handyman - just about everything you may want in a man (EXCEPT beer drinking, football watching, balls scratching horn-dog or "womanizing" - and other insensitive and disgusting habits of typical "men" today).

I have been asked to find another partner, friend, companion and lover who seriously is tired of the dating scene and wants a SOLID MAN in her life EVERY DAY, and get the attention, affection and respect you know you want and deserve.

I could go on, but if you're not interested by now, what's the point? If you think this is BS, then fine - close this window and get on with what you're doing..... looking again.

Won't one of you "find" me? I'll admit this is "non-traditional", but you know what? Dating dozens of losers and most likely getting involved with someone who is lying to you doesn't sound like fun to me....... Remember - once someone has trashed a love relationship, they can do is SO MUCH easier to you when they're tired of you.

No airy promises, just a solid, honest and genuine man that will last you a lifetime...... I'm ready. Are you willing?

Are you a 37-50ish, in good shape, healthy mentally and physically (average is good), HT/WT proportionate to a "few pounds over", average nice looking gal?

Learn more about living honestly and in the presence of someone who truly wants and cares for you - my theory, once you've made love to someone - only a monster would destroy it.......

A creative, dedicated and loyal mind is looking for you. Will you answer? By the way I am a W/M ..... and OBAMA'S MY MAN. Do YOU have hope for our future?
I am glad that Obama is synonymous with non-traditional in West Michigan.

seeking a Michelle Obama type - 38 (Memphis)

Mrs.Obama showed so many wonderful quailities these last few months. As a wife, mother, confidant her spirit shined. I thought to myself that's the type of woman that I need in my life. I know that with the support of a good woman my goals would be so much easier to obtain and then I could offer my strength and support to her as well.

Moving to a town near you Black Male seeks White Princess !!!!!!! - 40 (St.Paul)

I'm a black male looking for a single attractive white women to get to know.Very single and not into games just want to love,honor,and respect you and treat as my equal.I want to get married and make an OBAMA!! send pic holla back

Obama yay! - 26 (Boston)

Lets do something fun tonight! Bar. Movie. Something like that. Boston area. I’m 26 years old.

Ghost town NYC

It really is a ghost town out there. What gives?
You couldn't all be freezing your asses off in DC, or home watching Obama slow dance over and over.
I thought for sure the bars would be hopping, but I just ran to the store, and almost got hit in the head by a tumbleweed. Twice.

Now look, there's no reason a sexy, educate, handsome sock puppet like me should be home all alone, bored no less. I'd like entertainment, a best friend, a girlfriend, hot sex, a trophy wife, a portable encyclopedia, and a fairy princess all rolled into one. At this point, I may be less picky seeing as I'm suspecting we might be the last two people left on this island.

White Obama in every way - 27 (Windsor Terrace nyc)

Change! We need to change stuff! Iraq War = Stupid idea! Hope! Hawaii! Harvard!

The only difference between me and Barack is I don't have a Michelle.

white male seeks black female for private OBAMA celebration - 34 (Brooklyn)

i thought it would be an ever better day if we kissed , drank Champagne and anything else that comes to mind......... as the inauguration was happening.
it's time to celebrate!

True Love : ) (Everywhere )

2009-01-20T00:50:00.003-05:00

The first step to finding true love anywhere is finding it in the one who first truly loved you. If you don't know who i am talking about I will gladly talk to you about who that is. Its God. he knew and Loved you before the world was even put into existence. Think about it.

In Christ Love.

Surprise! This post is from Grand Rapids.

Pushy Evangelism + Poor Syntax = Undesirable Husband

LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT SEX - 25 (Evanston)

2009-01-17T00:18:00.000-05:00

Often in the throes of yet another heady sexual encounter, as I am eliciting hearty moans from (one of) my extremely satisfied sexual partners, I get in the mood to talk politics, or maybe I want to discuss that book that I suggested you read. Did you like the ending, or like me did you find it pat and contrived?

Alas, the girl I am fucking is too dumb.

But, imagine what we could do together!

As I'm gyrating my hips and thrusting deeply into your body, I gently lick the tears of joy, the soft but pleasurable double-edge liquid agony that runs down your flawless cheeks and I whisper in a low voice, "People are underestimating the latent racism in America. If you think that Obama is going to sail away with the election, you're delusional. My money is still on the old white guy and even if I'm wrong it's only going to be by a hair."

Your breasts heave with your quickened breath. Can this pleasure be real? The sweat from my trim muscular body covers you, making you grasp me only that much harder, hands slipping over my chisled physique to make sure I do not escape you in this moment of perfect union.

And I take the opportunity of our intertwinded dependence to remind you that, though it plays well on television to deny this, the fact is that the financial markets in this country have so enmeshed themselves in the global, credit based war-time economy, any domestic bailout or rescue plan must take into account the actions and decisions of our trans-national business partners and competitors, not to mention the consequences of any change in our current military actions abroad that would destabilize the crucial arms market that acts as the backbone of so many of our industrial and service industries. Is this moral, I ask? Where does the blood of so many end and our monetary security begin? And does that feel good? Does it? Does it, slut!

By now the scented candles, so tall and full of portent when the lovemaking began, has dwindled away and been rendered to a fused amalgam that is eerily reminiscent of the psycho-spiritual-corporeal being our two bodies have become...One.

We laugh gaily as we both approach the end of our journey. In the background, Wolf Blitzer cow tows to yet another career politician spewing rehearsed soundbites to bubblegum questions.

"The sheep," we think. And then I cum in your face.